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Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 01:57 AM |
Dirty Tricks
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
Things you learn from Children
Things you learn from Children
For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade... true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 02:13 AM |
The Pharmacy
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."
The Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Halloween Party
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel
with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover
your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note,
which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
Cemetery
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep crap." |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 02:54 AM |
Different degrees of blondeness
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
A Chief Samurai
Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;
1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.
The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why
he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
A Trucker
As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Why a beer is better than a woman
You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine a beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Beer never changes its mind
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
Beer is never late
Hangovers go away
Beer labels come off without a fight
Beer never has a headache
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you always get good head
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
A beer always goes down easy
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer
Beer doesn't demand quality
You can have a beer in public
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support unt! ! il the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 03:36 AM |
What makes 100%?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, Look how far a$ kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 03:38 AM |
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 03:59 AM |
The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No crap...what happened next? |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 04:03 AM |
The Rewards Of A Healthy Lifestyle
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bloody bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!" |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 09 Nov 2004 02:14 PM |
| *Coughcoughpostcountcoughcough* |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 16 Nov 2004 08:19 PM |
Three women going to Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 16 Nov 2004 08:21 PM |
What is God?
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?" |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 17 Nov 2004 09:39 AM |
A kindergarden teacher is trying very hard to instruct her young students in proper speaking. The children are used to "baby talk," and the teacher has committed herself to teaching them the right way to speak. "Billy," she asked one of the kids, "What did you do this weeken?"
Billy perked up, "My daddy took me to see the choo-choo!"
"The train," the teacher corrected, "your father took you to see the train." She turned to young Andy, "Andy, what did you do this weekend?"
"My mommy and I went to see Na-Na!" Andy said enthusiasticly.
"You and your mother went to see your grandmother," said the teacher, to which Andy nodded. She was pleased with how her students were learning, so she turned to young Alexis. "Alexsis," she said, "What did you do this weekend?"
Alexis answered with her normal polite manner, "My mom read me a book."
"That's interesting, Alexis, what book did she read you?"
Alexis's face was screwed in thought for several seconds. Finally, with a satified smile, she responded, "Winnie the feces!
((darn censors! Anyways, I think you can get the gist of the joke :P)) |
My name is Byron Lorian....I am the Last Son |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 17 Nov 2004 03:13 PM |
I admit. My immediate responce was "Hm.. I'm gonna mix clorox and brake flu- No... I don't want to die."
"Holy crap, a talking pig!" Ahaha. |
- [Rob], Balthor, Jake, and Thomas. |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 20 Nov 2004 09:34 AM |
For those of you that enjoy Manga, this might provide a smile or two
http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=637 |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 20 Nov 2004 01:11 PM |
*chuckles to himself *
'perhaps it is time'
*takes the picture of spike milligan from the wall to reveal a cobweb covered vault bearing the words ACME JOKE SAFE*
*dials in the ultra confidential combination of digits and turns the robust handle to the left*
*the door swings open with an earsplitting creek*
*sweat breaks out on his forehead as he takes out a lead lined wooden box with the legend 'EXTREME CAUTION , WORLDS FUNNIEST JOKE' carved into the lid*
*as he lifts the lid an unearthly light spills forth and fills the room. The sound of angels singing can be heard*
*a small piece of paper folded over once is all that lies within *
*very carefully he removes the artifact, opens it, and reads the first line out loud*
' What do you call a fly with no wings ?'
*as he tries in vain to read the punchline the box falls from his grasp in slow motion smashing into a thousand pieceson the ground*
*the extreme extent of the humour is too much, his lungs burst, his eyes bleed, his heart expires and he collapses hitting the floor dead long before the scrap of paper lands next to him open wih the words of the punchline mocking him for all eternity*
'A Walk' |
If you catch a butterfly.
You can either keep it and watch it die.
Or let it go and watch it fly away.
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 11 Dec 2004 07:39 AM |
| *bumped for new players* |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Funny Man
Posted: 11 Dec 2004 11:46 AM |
Since I have childen...I must say that this isn't funny. It's like me reading an article about a murder, and then realizing "Oh Snap! I was there that night!". And then looking down and wondering why my clothing is covered in blood as I scratch my head in confusion with a bloody knife.
It's all true...horribly horribly true...
(lol)
-V |
I'm The Cult of Personality. |
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Arnt we weird...
Posted: 28 Jan 2005 10:48 AM |
Thought you might like these:
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. What is the speed of darkness?
11. Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "able bodied"
people at the Para-lympics?
12. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
13. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
14. If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
15. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
16. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
17. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
18. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
19. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
20. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
21. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?
22. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
23. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
24. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
see you naked anyway.
25. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
26. Why is abbreviation such a long word? |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 28 Jan 2005 12:07 PM |
I love these. Very funny.
Though to be pedantic.....
18. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Of course money grows on trees. Where else do they get the paper from? *grins* |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 28 Jan 2005 12:14 PM |
| 27. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled phonetically? |
My name is Byron Lorian....I am the Last Son |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 29 Jan 2005 10:41 PM |
Two women in a car looking at the snow falling and one says to the other
Did you know that sex is like snow?
Really?
Yes, you never know how many inches your going to get
and you never know how long its going to last. |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 29 Jan 2005 11:35 PM |
(True story)
We have a dog who likes to chase things... We live by railroad tracks... He once decided to chase a train... But he did it head-on... We called him away before he got splatted, but what we'd REALLY like to know is what he would've done if he caught it. |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 30 Jan 2005 05:09 AM |
| LMAO. |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 30 Jan 2005 11:20 AM |
How about a NWN related true story hmm?
A certain person who is here on Vives that will remain nameless... -=GASHER=-...and myself were playing the SoU campaign. I was a paladin, a paragon of virtue. The throw himself in the mud so that a person could walk across him and not get dirty kind of guy. And Gasher was a vile, dastardly, and thoroughly evil rogue. So we get to the part of the game where we're asked to make that prophet guy leave. So I was doing so and had talked guy into just leaving peacefully. When suddenly, Gasher, without provocation, plants his short sword in the prophets back, slaying him.
Now, for over a year now, I've pondered why Gasher had such a violent outburst, and it has come to my attention of a fundamental truth of the Universe: Gasher is a very twitchy dude and should not be allowed within 10 feet of a mouse or keyboard.
*nods sagely and walks off the stage* |
I'm The Cult of Personality. |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 30 Jan 2005 11:33 AM |
Reminds me of an occurance that happened a week or two ago... Was doing some PnP with my friends with one friend DMing. Well, we needed to go see some councilmen to settle and issue, and he happens to live on a farm in the outskirts of town... Okay, fair enough.
The party: A half-drow bard, a really really tall bard, a cleric of the god of money, and myself, a gnomish inventress with a horse pistol.
The two bards essentially piss off this councilman, and he orders them to leave. They walk outside. A hail of arrows plumets into them, something around... 20 or so... One falls uncouncious right there, the other just manages to survive. He draws his longsword and looks for the enemies. (DO'H)
Meanwhile I and the cleric are inside safe and sound. Well, eventually, the attackers get bored of shooting at the house, and skeedaddle. That was fine with me. I ask the councilman for his cart to schlep the two bodies to the main town, and he basically said in a snide way, no. Well, that pissed me off. Whip out my horse pistol, point blank range, bam. He was dead.
I never did like politicians. |
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Re: Arnt we weird...
Posted: 30 Jan 2005 05:28 PM |
The party: A half-drow bard, a really really tall bard, a cleric of the god of money,
Now thats odd. I DMed for a party made up of the same. A Half-drow and a Priest of Waukeen (god of Money). I thought what an unusual combination. Appears its perfectly common. how freaky. |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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