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Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 09:05 AM |
[This comes from the same place in the deteriorated American mind as Realultimatepower.net. What PC in Vives could match these claims?!! Chuck Norris is sooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants.]
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
Bubb Rubb with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the
irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. |
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about dying."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means lying in the ground with dirt on your face and holding your breath forever."
-Burt Reynolds, "The End" |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 09:34 AM |
| *wonders if she should ask* umm who is Chuck Norris? |
- Solitaire, Wizard
- Ilyana Fiirhaart, High Priestess of Naruth |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 09:50 AM |
Make sure the sound is on so you can hear Chuck Norris' personal message for you:
http://www.chucknorris.com/
In all seriousness (did I just write that?) he was a martial artist that I think was discovered and put into one of Bruce Lee's movies, Return of the Dragon, as the "hairy American martial artist", whom Bruce Lee defeats with some difficulty. At one point in the fight he actually rips out some of Chuck Norris' inferior caucasian chest hair. Norris receives this abuse with discipline, but in the end his inferiority results in his death.
I am not a martial artist, a reader of martial arts nor paintball magazines, nor a scholar of Bruce Lee movies. However Norris is fast approaching the stature and significance of William Shatner in certain circles within the United States. It is in that spirit, that I submit this discussion of Chuck Norris and his many fine qualities. |
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about dying."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means lying in the ground with dirt on your face and holding your breath forever."
-Burt Reynolds, "The End" |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 10:03 AM |
| oooookaaaaay *walks away quietly trying not to make any loud noises or sudden movements* |
- Solitaire, Wizard
- Ilyana Fiirhaart, High Priestess of Naruth |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 11:37 AM |
He also is a several times world karate champion.
And he moonlights as "<something> Walker, Texas Ranger" where he uses his roundhouse kicks to great effect.
- Paul |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
--
<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 12:36 PM |
| Aha .... Chuck Norris = PDWalker ! |
- Solitaire, Wizard
- Ilyana Fiirhaart, High Priestess of Naruth |
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Mr. T is cooler
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 01:08 PM |
5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.
Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."
Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him and is trying to get as far away as possible.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.
Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three. |
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
-Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 06:24 PM |
However Norris is fast approaching the stature and significance of William Shatner in certain circles within the United States.
That sentance right there was enough...
lmao
Thanks for the laugh. both Chuck and Mr. T |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 07:11 PM |
| Heh heh heh, this is all too funny :D I feel so very tempted to make a contribution to this, but I have nothing relating to Chuck Norris OR Mr. T :| |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 16 Dec 2005 07:51 PM |
You should check the site www.4q.cc/ It has them all.
There's also a Vin Diesel list!
My life is complete. |
Do not ask of them questions. You will receive three answers, all of which are true and horrifying to know. |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 17 Dec 2005 03:14 AM |
| anyone who watches Conan O'Brian should always look forward to the "Walker, Texas Ranger" latch(?) that Conan pulls to play a random horrible (as if any of them aren't) clip from the series. I think that Chuck Norris might have cured this boy's cancer in one of those...but i'm not sure. I think he also beats up some man in a wheelchair at some point. Maybe he just told the boy or heard that he had cancer...regardless...some of the worst acting of all time had to have been in that show. |
-Gnimini // gnomish wizard facinated with tailoring
-Mirg // young human ranger
-Dredger Hack'nchant // dwarven spellsword
-Hallelujah // gnomish singer and songwriter
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"i just can't wait till this squirrel mating season is over, those bug |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 17 Dec 2005 06:11 AM |
Heh heh heh, this is all too funny :D I feel so very tempted to make a contribution to this, but I have nothing relating to Chuck Norris OR Mr. T
Why post then ? . |
- Solitaire, Wizard
- Ilyana Fiirhaart, High Priestess of Naruth |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 17 Dec 2005 12:04 PM |
Hilarious stuff :D :D Thanks.
I am a martial artist and a scholar of martial arts movies, and it has to be said that, in his time Chuck Norris was nigh undefeatable, at least in Karate circles, and generally one of the baddest dudes in existence. Too bad that he has gained sort of a goofy status now that Conan O'Brien uses him in his Walker-jokes (but they are hilarious too, I have to admit).
Here's some tid bit info about the man:
In 1968 he became the Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion, holding the title undefeated until he retired in 1974. He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwan Do, both Korean fighting arts, and knows all forms of the martial arts. In 1969 he earned the Triple Crown for the highest number of tournament wins, and was named Fighter of the Year by "Black Belt" magazine. By the time he was 34, Norris had established 32 karate schools and had been a champion for six years. In 1996 he became the first Westerner to be awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do.
Aye, he was a bad dude indeed...
Respect. |
Characters IG:
Ertzi
Cerno Rapidshill |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 17 Dec 2005 09:38 PM |
^
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point well taken. i certainly didn't doubt his abilities...well...i should say his martial arts abilities. just his acting abilities...and the lack of ability of the "Walker, TR" writers and casting crew. i look at him as i look at a marvolous singer or athlete who thinks they can also act. people sometimes think because they excel in one area, that their potential is to do so in all areas...which just isn't always true. |
-Gnimini // gnomish wizard facinated with tailoring
-Mirg // young human ranger
-Dredger Hack'nchant // dwarven spellsword
-Hallelujah // gnomish singer and songwriter
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"i just can't wait till this squirrel mating season is over, those bug |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 17 Dec 2005 10:16 PM |
| Whenever I think of Chuck Norris, I can't help but recall possibly his greatest movie to date - "Forest Warrior". I was close to buying it, considering i've got "Sherlock - Undercover Dog" sitting on the shelf too (had to reserve the honor of owning the worst film i've ever seen). |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 18 Dec 2005 11:11 AM |
I'm also the first one to agree that the man can't act very good. In addition, I think that people nowadays in Hollywood ALWAYS think that, if they are good at something, how hard can it be to excel in some other area too. I don't like it.
No more model/singer/actors please. Some rare people have pulled it off, but come on, stick to what you are good at and we are all happier. I mean, just watch the movie Glitter with Mariah Carey. Nuff said. |
Characters IG:
Ertzi
Cerno Rapidshill |
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Re: Chuck Norris
Posted: 18 Dec 2005 12:08 PM |
There are rare instances where people can pull it all off. Look at the big stars of the last 10 years in Hong Kong cinema (we're talking Andy Lau, (the late) Leslie Cheung, Sally Yeh to name but a few). The culture of the Hong Kong superstars is dying out though, much as talent is drying up in Hollywood.
It seems we're seeing more and more inexperienced, younger actors taking to the screen with the great actors of the 80's / early 90's clinging to whatever awful roles they can scrape up. I think its because of this, along with the repeated productions of terrible sequels, poor and unnecessary remakes and those ever-present "FX" movies that is driving people, certainly in the UK, away from the mainstream. You only have to look at the success of independent films, chinese and european cinema (namely french, spanish and the whole crazy denmark "dogma" lot) to see the loss of interest in Hollywood here.
Personally, I hope that the move is severe enough to send a message, loud and clear. Its time that the quality of writing improves.
(btw, i'm not saying that Hollywood movies are rubbish, just that the quality has been slipping. I'm looking forward to the release of "A Scanner Darkly" (being a HUGE PKD fan :D) though I had hoped Gilliam would get to direct it).
Right, enough rambling! :P |
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