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England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 06:59 AM |
*stolen wholesale from the Thain forums, but really made me laugh*
A note from PM Tony Blair:
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a competent or sane President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "feces". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure (not 'insure' as you have been incorrectly saying until now) the
acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation. |
'The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.' - Richard Bach, Illusions. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 08:35 AM |
Hehe I've seen this before, kinda funny :D
Although:
"This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. "
It's actually called Budweiser Budvar everywhere except the US where Anheuser-Busch consistently try to take them to court for infringement of copyright etc on the name...... so far it's been unsuccessful in many attempts, but nonetheless they changed it to Czechvar in North America.
Also it isn't brewed in Pilsner, that would be Pilsner Urquell, the original Pilsner/Lager...... Budvar is actually brewed just outside Budweiss in Czech. (Hence the name :P)
- Ara |
Vives Screenshots!
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 08:44 AM |
Dear England,
Neville Chamberlin.
Sincerly,
Chief USA
P.S. Who really killed Diana? |
ONWARD AND UPWARD! |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 08:45 AM |
*Prints out the note, buys a crate of tea, duct tapes the note on top and throws it into the Hudson River*
Though I DO agree with waging war on Canada... But the whole traffic circle thing keeps me away from your English ways. I'll be sure to call my neighbor and ask him to bring donuts, and be sure to stock up on ammunition and vegetable pealers.
Perhaps we should aquire Britain instead? Make sure that all people of England can understand a good Southern twang, a Brooklyn whine, and "Hick". Ebonics shall be force fed into the English system, and all generally ignorant people shall be shipped over to England where they will presumably die, it'll be the Australia of the 21st Century. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 08:51 AM |
...all generally ignorant people shall be shipped over to England where they will presumably die
Well, that's one way of getting rid of your president I suppose! But you do realise England is quite a small isle dont you...?
*grins, runs off and hides*
Sirac |
'The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.' - Richard Bach, Illusions. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 08:52 AM |
Since moving to Canada you know what I yearn for?
Roundabouts!
They are one of mankinds greatest inventions Sitting waiting for a green light every 200m when nothing is coming is not my idea of fun :P
But hey! That right turn on a red light thing is coolThey don't have that in the UK hehe
- Ara |
Vives Screenshots!
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 09:00 AM |
Vote Barnas on May 5th and get left turn on red when no pedestrians are present. :P
That's very amusing- though American Football is played throughout Europe. Hence NFL Europe, though that does have a lot of American players alocated to it (Which I think is a bit daft.)
-Barnas |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 09:03 AM |
Nobody watches it though Barn More people probably watch Curling :P |
Vives Screenshots!
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 11:20 AM |
Vote Barnas on May 5th and get left turn on red when no pedestrians are present. :P
-Barnas
Bah, I turned left on a red this morning. I don't need to vote Barnas.
Lisen |
Beware the vortex of bureaucracy |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 12:45 PM |
NFL Europe gets capacity crowds in Germany. :P
And you're not in England, Lisen. I care not for your vote!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
-Barnas |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 01:59 PM |
...all generally ignorant people shall be shipped over to England where they will presumably die
Well, that's one way of getting rid of your president I suppose! But you do realise England is quite a small isle dont you...?
*grins, runs off and hides*
Sirac
Now that was funny. *grins*
I feel we should give the Yanks a break. I mean after all 52% of them believe Britain is in the middle east. |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 02:20 PM |
| Considering the number of immigrants in the last 20 years, it is easy to understand why people would think that. |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
--
<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 02:34 PM |
If only that wasnt true.
Come on Conservatives!!!! |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 02:42 PM |
Conservatives? You really must be joking.
I mean, seriously. Have you ever seen such a disorganized, confused, useless excuse for an opposition?
They remind me of the Tories after 1832- and Michael Howard is no Robert Peel. This one just isn't coming together anytime soon.
If you want proof, look at the number of parties either splitting from the conservatives, or leeching their votes- You've got the UKIP split, then Veritas, and the Lib Dems, Labor, and even the BNP sapping votes out of traditional Conservative strongholds.
I myself say vote Lib Dem. Can't go wrong with liberals, really.
-Barnas |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:05 PM |
*yawns*
*starts awake when Sol punches him*
Sorry, think someone started talking politics...
Sirac |
'The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.' - Richard Bach, Illusions. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:12 PM |
It was the evil lawyer! :P
-Barnas |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:14 PM |
I myself say vote Lib Dem. Can't go wrong with liberals, really.
-Barnas
Did you know it is nearly the centennial anniversary of the last Liberal elected government. There is a reason for that!!!
And when it comes to leadership personalities I wouldnt trust Charles Kennedy (the wettest leader in the history of politics) to run a boy scout group effectively let alone a government. Not to mention they have the most obscure policies ever.
But leaving aside personalities lets look at the choices.
1) Labour, who would give away even more of our powers to the Europeans, more power to the criminals over the public, and who would open our borders to everyone who says "can we come in please" (though the please is probably unnecessary.
The only thing the Labour party are good at is spin. Hell they have convinced nearly 60% of the population they have created "a real sustainable economy" and announce how good things are in the same week the World Trade Organisation announce we are on the brink of an economic collapse due to Labour's strategy.
2) Liberal Democrats, who would give away even more of our powers to the Europeans, power to the criminals and would allow anyone into the country but would stand firm on them having to say please.
They are so resigned to Third place opposition that they can afford to come out with stupid ideas such as scrapping tuition fees.
3) Conservatives, who are lead by Michael Howard who is a loathesome individual and who probably should be locked up. However, they will withdraw the controls of the EU, they will lock up offenders and make them pay and they will close down our border controls.
Its a crap election because there is not a single leader among them worthy of No 10. Its just unfortunate that Michael Howard is the leader of the Conservatives who know how to put Britain first.
If David Davison was the leader no other party would stand a chance.
*takes a deep breath*
There, rant over. |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:15 PM |
| Bring back Maggie! |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
--
<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:16 PM |
| *laughs.* You are a very brave man. Very brave indeed |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:19 PM |
No. No more please. Next political broadcast will result in me making it my focus as a DM to make that player suffer worse than has ever been known in the history of Vives!
*looks around*
Anyone?
Sirac
PS Yes, I know this threat is less effective against other DMs... *glares at Barnas*...but dont make me get imaginative!!
*smiles extra sweetly* |
'The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.' - Richard Bach, Illusions. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 03:22 PM |
commie!
fascist!
/me goes back to behaving |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
--
<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: England v America
Posted: 21 Apr 2005 04:01 PM |
| Thats what the lake district is for |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 23 Apr 2005 01:18 PM |
| Canada wins again! |
CHOO CHOO!
- - - - - -
Bereil Yadashem.
Markus Mortriety, Herald of Novus Aristi. |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 24 Apr 2005 03:37 AM |
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer",
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine"
well, here's one american who is all for it... just on the merit of these two items here.
Imagine,
...television worth watching, (Red Dwarf rules... wish they would start on that movie sometime soon. Maybe Hitch Hikers Guide will open some doors)
...and people finnaly realizing that near-frozen gnat's urine is not beer.. but simply a type of colored alcoholic water. Give me a good IPA, ESB, Porter or Stout over that horse piss any day (sorry, still prefer it chilled... though, when it has flavor, it is still good at room temp... as opposed to that gnats urine/horse piss) |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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Re: England v America
Posted: 24 Apr 2005 08:51 AM |
Well hell. We don't have to be smart or well mannered when we can kick everyone’s a$. Sure sure sure some day somebody is going to knock us off our high horse once and for all and we won't be able to get back on. It is bound to happen. When it does everyone else will point and snicker for a day or two until all hell breaks loose and you figure out that this school yard bully that’s been in the third grade for three years has been beating the snot out of the really evil kids all this time.
With that said I'd rather live like a god for a day then like a serf for one hundred years. |
Signed,
Bhrodi Ferocitas
"From discipline comes all else."
"He who wins the war writes the history."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum."
("If you want peace, prepare for war.") |
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