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A History of the Future
Posted: 29 Dec 2007 07:13 PM |
Selected entries from the journal of Trixie Tiktoc, Arcanologicalistic Specialist (Grade Two), Fifth Pedal, Sixty-Fourth Gurglewibbel, Seventeenth and a Half Crobbobobbel Doodal Mocwocket (Plus One), Nineteenth Boopfwuddel to the Master Oozal Research Manager of the Nicodemic Viral Vector (Briannic Strain), BTe, RrC, AaDCTk (N^43), Nx.
*Penned in a meticulously precise hand.*
Wound's starting to fester.
I didn't honestly believe Jacos when he said that Atranoxian Halflings have a poison bite. Noxious Halflings, more like. Why the good people of Atranox haven't exterminated them yet eludes my comprehension. That's the problem with not being a Gnome: a distinct lack of efficiency. If we'd laid claim to this island, we'd have wiped out the furry, feral rats long ago.
*The end of the paragraph is smeared with a crusty brown splatter.*
*In furious and uncharacteristically blotchy writing.* GOBLIN SPIT! When I get my hands on those wuggling vermin -- this journal cost me a small fortune and now I'll never be able to keep it tidy. What IS that? Is it toxic? It's seeped through thirty-three pages already.
*The remainder of the entry is filled with Gnomish cussing.*
...
Ignorant Humans. They seem to think that I'm supposed to have the stamina of a Dwarf. Do I have a beard? Do I pick up rocks on our travels and converse with them? Pfah!
Perhaps we were related to those lumbering buffoons once, but now the closest Gnomish relatives they have are the Bebbodiacs. Despite all of the evidence, I harbour a theory that those mad berserkers are not truly Gnomes. They are savage beasts of the depths, without the superior intellect that distinguishes us Gnomes from lesser, ignorant beings. For two hundred years I have been seeking evidence of their Dwarfhood, for indeed, they have more in common with the Dwarves than with Gnomes.
I am confident that one of these days, I will find the evidence that I seek. Then we can proceed to educate the lesser races about the lack of connection between those savages and true Gnomes like myself.
...
Have been delving into the details of the Second Undead War to try and look for clues of the proof of Orclun existence. Humans are a superstitious lot, but sometimes there is truth in their silly myths.
They have one persistent myth in particular that speaks of psychopomps called Orcs: fierce and large warriors whose role it is to guide the spirits of the dead to the afterlife. Typical Human foolishness. Their manuscripts are useless, filled with emotional propaganda and hyperbole -- and little in the way of actual fact.
Still, saner minds have prevailed, and there are Gnomish records of Orcs physically manifesting during the Second Undead War. The Humans claim that these are not true Orcs or we would not be able to see them: that these are Half-Orcs -- Orcluns -- who have obtained a soul either voluntarily or involuntarily and are now trapped in the realm of mortals.
RUBBISH!
Anyone with a working brain can clearly see that these "Orcluns" are a new form of Undead, and because of their similarity in appearance to the Orcs of legend, the Humans named them thusly to confirm their own baseless beliefs.
After four hundred years amongst these strange and stupid creatures, their peculiar beliefs are beginning to wear thin. I have a theory: because of their ridiculous height, their brains do not receive adequate airflow and blood circulation to function properly. I must get one of my assistants to research this. Ambabaloc Tekketa seems keen to prove herself. She'll do.
...
I got into an argument with Jacos today. Never give a Halfling a reason to cause mischief! I told him that there is no such things as Elves, but he just laughed and pointed out the existence of Elyrian Elves.
Does he think me a fool? I know well about the Elyrian Elves, but I do not consider them Elves, any more than I consider Bebbodiacs to be Gnomes. I speak of true Elves, proper Elves of old, such as those that exist only in tales from Atranoxian records. I told him of Arcane Archers and Elven warbands, but it only made him all the more hysterical. It is true that Elves -- as we know them -- are a cultured and pampered lot who will only deign to touch a bow if it has intrinsic artistic value. I failed to see what was so funny, though.
I once spoke to one of the Elven-blood, the Elf-kin. For the entirety of his life, he had searched for these wild Elves in the hopes of reviving the Arcane Archers of old.
I bring the subject up now because I received news of his passing just yesterday, at only one hundred and seventy-one standard years of age.
He never found any proof of their existence.
...
We rescued a Human from Goblins today. Quite young by Human reckoning, or so I'm told. Frankly, she was as good as dead, and I don't understand why everybody protested when I suggested boiling her into stew for dinner. Waste not, want not.
Dominic has been intensely overprotective of the corpse ever since we picked it up. He doesn't like me calling it "the corpse", but what else am I supposed to call it? It's just meat, and I'm getting hungry. We've been living off nuts and berries ever since we entered the foothills of the Stonewall Mountains. This route has been picked clean by Goblins and Ogres, and there's precious little to eat. I don't understand this suicidally impractical stance they've taken. Dominic has insisted that we take a detour to visit a healer by some fjord I've never heard of, and the rest of the fools have agreed.
It makes no sense whatsoever. He's usually very smart... for a Human. I will never understand their illogical and contradictory ways.
...
We are four days behind schedule, thanks to Dominic.
Ordinarily I would be furious by now, but the time we've spent waiting for the Human girl to recover has been well worthwhile. Her name is Qualeela, and she has received extensive education from the monks of the Quinlann Monastery. I will admit to being impressed. I was not aware that Humans were capable of holding ^almost *the word is written above the line with a caret pointing up to it* as much knowledge in their heads as Gnomes. The few Human wizards I have met from Versai have been scatterbrained dolts who wouldn't be able to find their backside with both hands.
But of course, I should have expected it. You see, there are Gnomes who deviate from the unanimously accepted truth of the Gnomish Philosophy of Absolute Universal Mathematics. Most of those Gnomes go to Quinlann to study. Coincidence? I think not. Up until now, I'd thought that perhaps they'd lost their keen Gnomish minds and were seeking to delude themselves with the superstitious lies and beliefs of the lesser races. Having met this girl, I have come to a different conclusion. She has probably received Gnomish tutoring, and it has obviously been of great benefit to her. There are things she knows that I have never even heard mention of, and how else can that be possible unless a Gnome had discovered something in those mathsforsaken desert lands and passed the knowledge on to her?
This is quite a groundbreaking insight into the workings of the Human mind, and I shall have to pass it on to Ambabaloc as soon as we reach the other side of the mountains. Just think! We could make the world better place if more Gnomes dared to venture forth from Tekkradioc to educate the lesser races. And I have living proof of it. |
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