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Posted: 13 Jun 2006 02:52 PM |
*The following is written in a tiny, flowing, practiced script, then folded and tucked carefully between the pages of a book in Vivica's room at the Four Winds Inn.*
My dearest Noah,
It breaks my heart to write these words, knowing you may never read them, just as it breaks my heart to be kept so forcibly from you. I must believe you retain enough faith in me to know my reasons, to not hate me for what I am doing, for what I must do. Even if I dared risk your safety to send this letter, I do not know to where it should be addressed. I must trust you know my heart still.
I find myself in a land not entirely alien to me, but now seen starkly, for what it is, not with my prior, colored view. There is much to keep me occupied here, small services for the local merchants and guard, self-granted duties of keeping the passageways and under-ways of the city clear of vermin and filth, and perhaps now, time to be spent at the orphanage. It did me much good the short time I spent there, the humble but genuine happiness in the matron, the laughter, and squabbles to be heard amongst the children... such a beam of light in this dark city. Would that my heart was light enough to be so occupied for longer, but...
You know me too well to be fooled, of this I am sure. I leave my room in the early hours of the morning, and return long after dusk, but my attempts at wearying myself are in vain. No matter how hard I push, how hard I try to occupy my mind, cloud my thoughts, I cannot escape. For months I wandered, purposeless, destitute, hopeless in my uncertainty. And nothing in me has changed, nothing but this dullness that is a slowly-built tolerance to my situation.
I must believe it will, someday. I must believe it... yet I cannot. It is too soon to foster such a hope, if such a hope can ever be.
The prayers in my heart are for your continued health and safety, and for that of our father. Until that day when we might meet again, I remain
Your devoted sister,
Vivica
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Consequences
Unsent
It's hard to say it, time to say it...
Goodbye, goodbye |
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Unsent
Posted: 26 Jul 2006 03:55 AM |
* The below is slipped carefully behind several prior letters in the same book. Vivica's writing follows the same general form as above, though the shakiness to the letters might betray her emotional tangle during the writing. *
My dearest Noah,
I write this, and my mind is filled with a thousand thoughts, swirling together until I can make no sense of them. I write this, and pray you are safe, for there are whispers now, whispers that the situation has worsened, that new targets have been acquired in the absence of the old, and try though I might to combat it, I fear for you. I should not fear, I should have faith in you, faith that you are aware and have taken the appropriate measures, faith even that you have left and are far from their reach. I write this, and wish nothing more than to have you here beside me, to put your arm around me and tell me we will persevere, to remind me to keep faith.
Faith, yes.
Where to begin? If only I knew. To extend one's self, to reach out with all that is in you, to believe, truly believe in the cause, and to actively seek out and uphold the virtues of a Code... is this faith?
And if it is not, what is?
I spoke with him again tonight, this visionary, this bastion amidst the uncertainty. Or he spoke to me. I wonder if, even now, that crease of disapproval would mar your brow were you to read this, to hear I consort with – no, seek out and thirst for those and this which I once considered my enemy, such heresy and so threatening. So much has changed. I do not know, truly, what I sought, nor do I fully understand what he is offering, or what I will do.
But he spoke to me, and as I vowed, I believed him.
And he walked away, to attend to other matters, to give me space and time to consider, to weigh my options and my future. But I knew, even in that moment, that I would follow him. A part of me whispered I would follow him no matter the cause. But it is untrue, though it is undeniable that he has a tremendous air of magnetism and charisma. No... I saw something else, something that touched on old, half-forgotten memories, stirred emotions I have long since buried.
You and I, heads bent together in the filtering light of father's study, pouring over a text, studying, memorizing, and picking paragraphs apart until our eyes gave in; walking along the seafront for hours, books and notes in tow, debating the finer points of theology until we were both so frustrated we couldn't speak to each other; hours spent in the vestry, studying and researching relics of the faith, centuries-old documents, for the sake of knowing... knowing that a truth was such; weeks of lectures and classes under the tutelage of the Fathers until the rites were second nature and you whispered them in your sleep... and then... and then... hearing the passion in your voice as you spoke to a woman in the street, the raw power behind your words, the light of belief in your eyes when you told her none of it mattered – the trappings, the ritual, the traditions – only your heart, your intent, and your actions. Your living faith.
I saw it again tonight, but in his eyes, not yours. But how misdirected you were in your faith, my dear brother. How wrong we both were. And who is to say, I can hear you ask, who is to say he is not as well? It is a question I cannot answer.
But I know already that I cannot turn away.
Prayerfully, in consideration, and in light, I remain
Your devoted sister,
Vivica
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Consequences
Unsent
It's hard to say it, time to say it...
Goodbye, goodbye |
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