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Cora - solace of the shadows
Posted: 13 May 2005 05:32 PM |
The shadows always gave solace...
She had learned to embrace the shadows. It was a mask of sorts. Shelter from the chaos. Comfort from the sea of thoughts and emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. Here all was quiet. Cold. Protected.
She embraced the shadows... to the point of drawing forth the very shadows to aid her in a fight... though she wasn’t entirely sure how that came about. All she knew was that one day, when she was mentally preparing to ...take matters in hand... the shadows became solid and aided her in her task.
It has been said that the shadows have ears. But this shadow... had eyes. Eyes that pierce your very soul. ...cold... dark... lifeless... full of hatred and malice.
Her first encounter with it, a cold dread came over her. Fearing that this... embodiment of the shadows would turn on her, consume her, suck out any good that may reside with in her.
She tried to withdraw from it, but where could she go? Deeper into the shadows? The very thing it seemed to be made of?
There was no escape.
But it simply stood there... if it was even standing at all, seemingly awaiting her command
Amidst the swirling thoughts in her head, the questions arose... ‘Where did it come from? How is it possible for such a thing to exist? What does it want from ME?'
A voice echoed in her head... ‘Only to serve’
A sudden chill ran down her spine. It was as though it had answered her, only... wasn’t this her voice? Whoever it belonged to, somehow she knew it spoke the truth. This thing... this pure unadulterated hatred, the vilest of evil... was hers to command. An ally.
Yet again the question... ‘but WHERE DID IT COME FROM?!’
Such malevolence... The feeling she got when in its presence was one of utter darkness. Not despair, but certainly no hope was found in it either.
Where did it come from? Was this a part of HER?
She tried not to think of what black stain on her soul could call forth such a thing. Tried to put it out of her mind.
She tried... but failed.
For at that moment, the shadows brought fourth another evil. Only this one was not within her control.
The simple voice of a child. Whispering from the shadows... these very shadows that used to give such comfort.
‘Ignore them... maybe they will go away.’ She thought.
She tried desperately to go on as though there were no whispers. No faceless voices reminding her of a great evil she had done in her past. Cold... callous... unfeeling... She had made a choice. A choice that now returned to haunt her.
Then the day came when it was no longer a faceless voice, but the form of a child pointing directly at her... “murderer”
The shadows enveloped her... the shadows always gave solace. She could hide from the world... as well as herself.
No longer.
‘Perhaps this is the origin of the shadow that fights along side of me... my own personal demon... from the darkened depths of my soul.’ She thought
‘where did it come from?’
‘Maybe it came from you...
Cora Delving’
‘The blackness of your being.’
“But I’m not evil” she whispered her thoughts aloud... trying to reassure herself.
Her thoughts swirling in a torrent around her head. An accusing voice stands out amongst the chaos ‘what else but pure evil would snuff out such an innocent life?’
“I was young... confused... afraid. It wasn’t my fault... I didn’t know”
'Excuses. That’s all you can come up with?'
“I have to find a way to set this right... I must find a way... no, I will set this right... no matter what it takes”
The thoughts continued to swirl, and then a sudden calm
‘You must embrace the shadows within you, not just the ones around you. There is strength here, if only you will take hold of it.’
Cautiously, she embraced the shadows once more... uncertain of how this would affect her. Not wanting her soul to get any darker, but feeling that strength could be found... she resolved to embrace the shadows within.
And once again, the shadows gave solace.
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"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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Re: Cora - solace of the shadows
Posted: 13 May 2005 06:18 PM |
| ((Yus! Good work!)) |
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Re: Cora - solace of the shadows
Posted: 01 Jun 2005 05:04 AM |
It was a routine search... should have been easy enough. Yeah, so it was the home of one of those dafy mage types. No big deal, probably just lots of magical trinkets, books, paper and junk lying around.
Cora reached the door of the house, glancing back she could hear Connavar chatting up the oxen-driver... keeping him busy, and anyone else that might head this direction.
The door was locked so she tried to pick it.
After a few moments, she didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with the lock. Then suddenly the lock seemed to open on its own. ‘I didn’t do that... did I?’ she thought.
Well, if it wasn't her doing, Cora was certainly never one to pass up an opportunity. In she went.
First thing that caught her eye were the four strange looking stones imbedded in the threshold.
‘Ward stones I bet’ she thought with a frown. ‘damned mage types’
Crossing those stones would surely set something in motion. But as it seemed the lock pretty much opened itself, her presence in the house would have already been noted... so no reason to turn back now. All the same, Cora carefully stepped over the stones, as though she feared touching them directly would make her fall down dead on the spot.
The second thing that caught her attention was the trap. Throughout the house there were a few traps. ‘Well, that’s interesting. Didn’t really expect a mage type to know how to set traps.’ But then she took a closer look. These traps weren’t exactly normal. Oh, they were easy enough to figure out... and spring, but it was as though they were just there. No mechanism that set it. There’s no way someone could have placed them like that.
‘Alright alright... so they CAN set traps.’ She just had to smirk about that. ‘Who would have thought you could magically summon up a trap? Well, all those mage types I suppose.’
The third thing that really stood out, were the books. Not just a bookshelf or two worth, but tons of books... everywhere.
Looking through the shelves and stacks and the papers on the desk was time consuming.
‘Who has time for all this?’ historical manuscripts, research on Elven history, language research, arcane references, spell notes and research, and even...
‘romance eh?’ She giggled quietly to herself.
After gleaning all she could from the downstairs area, it was time to check out the upper floor. Again, it was locked, and once again... the lock seemed to open by itself once she attempted to pick it.
More strange traps and scattered papers, and then the master bedroom.
Cora entered the room and suddenly became aware she was not alone. Quick as a flash she had flattened herself up against the armoire as to all but become a part of it.
Peering around the side she saw it. What almost looked like a man, but with a dogs head... and a rather large sword in its hand. It stood there... scratching itself, which, admittedly, is somewhat of a peculiar sight in itself. However, it appeared bored. Cora relaxed slightly, realizing it hadn’t seen her.
‘Well, you WERE keeping to the shadows after all’
Cora smirked slightly, thinking how much a part of her nature it had become to blend into the shadows... so much so, that she sometimes forgot that others couldn’t see her.
Making her way across the room to the stack of books and papers on the dresser she noticed parchment wedged between some books. From what writing was visible, it was clearly about the auction. She turned around to see the hound staring straight at her, and her heart skipped a beat. But it just casually glanced away.
Heart pumping faster now, she took this opportunity to try to slide the parchment out from between the books.
The hounds gaze snapped back to the dresser. Immediately she stopped pulling on the page and held her breath.
No good, the hound started to growl, its suspicions clearly aroused.
Her heart pounding so loudly in her own ears she could swear that the hound could hear it too, she tried to think of what to do.
‘Yank it out and make a run for it?’
The hound took a step forward.
‘Let it go and try to slip further into the shadows?’
The hound took a swipe through the air with its sword, missing Cora by just inches.
Almost in a panic, as the sword had passed right by her face, she wished she could become the very shadows themselves, however, what happened instead...
The shadows became solid.
To Cora’s horror, the shadow suddenly leapt out at the hound and began to grapple with it.
Gritting her teeth in frustration, and cussing silently to herself, she quickly slipped around behind the hound as it howled in frustration and continued to wrestle with the shadow, neither one of them gaining the upper hand.
There was nothing for it... she let a bolt fly from out of the shadows, catching the hound square in the neck. Still grappling with the shadow, it tried to spin around to see where the bolt had come from, only to catch another bolt in its side.
She could tell it wanted to come after her... if only it could see her.
Then as she raised the crossbow again to fire, its eyes locked on hers.
“dang!”
It had seen her.
Never one to pass up an opportunity, she fired the bolt straight in its eye
With a forlorn howl it faded from sight.
Shaking, she lowered the crossbow and glanced around the room, and then glaring at the shadow, a sudden surge of anger washing over her, she found herself yelling at it.
“I DIDN’T NEED YOUR HELP! dang you... I could have gotten out of this”
It simply stared back at her, almost disinterested.
‘Well, the damage is done now’ she thought. ‘Better find out what you can and get out’
“Lets hope nothing else was alerted by that” she muttered as she pulled the parchment out to read it. The shadow just stood there staring at her as she read.
And there it was again, that feeling. The chill down her spine, and the feeling of dread as its eyes were fixed on her. She could sense it was impatient. It wanted something else to kill, to release its malice upon, but it waited for her command.
She put the parchment back after she learned all she could from it, and continued searching the house, hoping the shadow would just go away if she ignored it. And sure enough, after a time it had vanished again.
“Good riddance” she muttered, and a chill ran down her spine once more.
She left the house in a rather foul mood. Even though she had retrieved the information she wanted, she couldn’t help feeling it was a failure.
And then the little voice in her head...
‘They are a part of you now. You had better learn to control them, or they will control you’
She let out a sigh and nodded in agreement
Then disappeared once again into the shadows
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"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Re: Cora - solace of the shadows
Posted: 10 Jun 2005 04:51 PM |
She walked along in a daze, not even paying attention to where she was. She had met a fellow who said he could hide in full view. One would have thought she was attempting the same feat, for there she was, walking past the four winds inn, forgetting all about the shadows. Though it wasn’t a deliberate attempt to hide without hiding. Her mind was simply somewhere else.
On Drogar.
Flashes of anger, then of despair, then bewilderment, and occasionally a glimmer of hope, visible on her face as she wrestled with her thoughts.
And then there it was again, that all to familiar accusing voice rising to the top of the swirl of thoughts circling her head.
‘You’re weak. You’re weak to even consider such a thing’
'I am not'
‘Emotions are a weakness, attachment is a weakness... love, is a weakness’
“He never said he loved me” she snapped angrily.
‘No, but you want him to.’
She looked down, and somberly replied “...I do not”
‘YOU DO! Don’t deny it, who do you think I am? I am YOU! You can’t hide from me like you do everyone else. I know who you are. I know who you are, and it disgusts me. You’re a weak, pathetic little girl.’
Trying to muster up her strength she said flatly “I am not weak”
The voice continued, not even acknowledging her response.
‘The first fellow that came along and confessed his undying love for you, you would be wrapped around his finger.’
She tried to ignore it
‘And THEN what? You would be helpless.’
“shut up”
‘At the mercy of your emotions. He could get you to do anything!’
“SHUT UP!”
‘And gods forbid if anything were to ever happen to him. Just look at what happened to you when Claudia was killed’
Cora stopped walking, a look of despair suddenly coming over her as she reached out for the nearest tree for support. The voice continued, relentlessly.
‘You were completely useless for about a week. And she was just a friend.’
Feebly she replied “she wasn’t just a friend... she was the closest thing I ever had to family”
‘Yes, you were very attached to her. AND DO YOU SEE WHAT THAT ATTACHMENT BROUGHT YOU?
Pain. Suffering. Misery.
...weakness’
Cora rested her forehead against the tree, her eyes shut tight, trying desperately to hold back the flood of emotion threatening to wash her away.
‘You have to be stronger than this Cora. You CAN be stronger than this Cora. Don’t give in to your emotions. Don’t let them control you.
Love is a weakness, and a waste of time.
Besides... They don’t know you like I do. The REAL you.
...Who could ever love someone like you?’
It was no good anymore. The floodgates burst open and her emotions hit her with full force.
Somewhere along the northern highway a female hafling was slumped over in a heap, sobbing uncontrollably.
And this time, not even the shadows gave her comfort.
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"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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Cora - in a sea of black
Posted: 24 Jun 2005 06:51 AM |
The world seemed to be a swirl of colors, bending and sliding about her. She could distinguish nothing from the chaos of color and light... or was it darkness?
Darkness...
She had been trying to avoid it lately, but that was about as futile as rain trying not to fall, the shadows were too much a part of her now.
Curiously, she reached out before her, trying to touch the swirling colors that danced about, but... she could see no arm. In confusion, she looked down, but... there was no body either.
‘Whats happening to me?’ looking around the colors continued their bizarre dance.
A sudden wave of panic hit her, and she tried to reach out around her, looking for something... or someone, but her body wasn’t responding. She tried to move, to run, to fall down, to sit up, ANYthing! But nothing happened. The colors, which seemed a curious oddity a moment ago, now seemed sinister and mocking. And within moments everything turned to black.
She shut her eyes, if she even had eyes in this place, but that was no use, for the same darkness awaited her there.
Once again the familiar chill ran down her spine, (and for a fleeting moment she found this curious, considering it appeared she had no body in this... whatever it was, this sea of blackness) and then she heard it. That voice she had come to know so well. Only this time, it seemed to come from outside herself, instead of in her head.
‘tsk tsk tsk’
Slowly it spoke with a disappointed tone ‘you refuse to learn, don’t you’
She tried to scream ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ but heard nothing.
Moments passed
Suddenly the voice was whispering in her left ear. ‘I cannot leave you alone Cora Delving.’ And then in her right ear ‘don’t you get it?’
The voice seemed to speak from somewhere new with each sentence, getting louder and more spiteful as it continued ‘haven’t you accepted the truth yet?’
She fruitlessly tried to cover her ears, when that didn’t work, she shut her eyes as tight as she could, trying to wish the voice away by sheer force of will.
‘You’re an intelligent girl Cora, why is it that you can’t grasp this?’
Feebly she tried to speak ‘please, just go away.’
The voice snapped in disgust ‘believe me, if I could, I would... look at you, your pathetic. What happened to the girl who swore that she would be strong. Never having to rely on anyone again?’
‘I am strong’
The voice spat out, full of malice ‘YOU ARE WEAK! Worthless and weak. To think that you are a part of me... you make me sick.’
She tried to shake her head violently, in an attempt to get that last statement out.
‘I am NOT a part of you... we are nothing alike’
With a calm cruelty it replied ‘oh but we are’
‘don’t you know me yet Cora?
I’m the only one who truly cares about you. I am your only real friend, the only one you can trust.
The others would betray you in a heartbeat, but not I... I will always be here.
You see... I am your eyes Cora, when you steal.
I am your truth, telling lies.
When you cannot feel, I am your pain.
I am your hate, when you want love.
I am the malice that empowers you to kill.
The darkness that wells up from the depths of your soul to give you strength.
The one that hides you from the rest of the world.
I am your dreams...
I am your life...’
‘I'm you.’ The voice now echoing in her head as before, and sounding exactly like hers.
‘No.... no... that’s not true’ she tried to keep from crying.
‘Deny it all you want,
but deep down, you can feel it’s the truth’
Trying as hard as she could to keep her emotions in check, she knew she had not the strength to hold it back. But that strength was within her. And as she realized the truth, her heart sank deep into her stomach where it became like a rock, getting heavier by the moment. Her guts felt as though someone was twisting them in knots, she became aware that she could feel her body, and immediately wished that she couldn’t.
It felt as though it was on fire... or was it her blood that was on fire? It didn’t matter, the pain was more intense than anything she’d felt before. Then suddenly, that rock in her stomach wanted out.
She threw up with such violence she felt sure her body was trying to turn itself inside out.
Ender stood a few feet away, as one of his wives, attempting to contain the mess, turned to him to say the antidote didn’t seem to be working.
He just smiled reassuringly “Give her another one, she’ll be all right. Just had an unusually large amount of venom, especially for such a little thing as her. It may take a bit of time for the poison to be purged from her system.”
In the pauses between convulsions, Cora had the vague impression that there was someone there. When they finally subsided, she opened her mouth to call out for help, and was surprised when the taste of apples washed over her tongue. For a fleeting moment, the surroundings threatened to come into focus as the black veil lifted enough to become a dark gray haze, and as her head rolled to the side she could almost make out the form of another body beside her. She tried desperately to speak, but couldn’t manage much more than a moan before her eyes glazed over and the darkness engulfed her once more.
She lay in a sea of black, curled up in a fetal position. Muttering his name over and over. She had the sense that the voice, HER voice, was circling her menacingly, as though it had taken on one of the very shadow forms that had come to her aid in the past.
‘Forget about him, would you?’
‘It will bring you nothing but pain.’
‘It's unfortunate that snake didn’t swallow him whole’
The scene came flooding back to her now. They had gone to the jungle... to look for quartz. He had sprung upon the snake so quickly and quietly, she was sure it would be dead in just a few strikes from his blades. But then, he just... froze.
She could recall the feeling of panic as she hesitated, and all the thoughts that flashed through her head in that instant.
‘oh gods! what if he dies?’
‘what do you care? get away now, while you still can’
‘I cant just leave him, I have to help him’
‘he’s as good as dead’
‘he’s not dead YET’
‘at least go get help, you cant...’
Gritting her teeth she lunged at the huge snake, piercing it through with her blade, but the snake continued to strike him. She was in such a panic that she forgot all about the shadows, standing instead, out in plain sight as she desperately tried slashing the snake once more... but no matter how hard she tried, it seemed to writhe around so much that she couldn’t hit it again. The next thing she knew there was a loud thud, and she watched in horror as the snake, now satisfied that that particular prey was going nowhere, turned on her with such speed, she had no time to react.
In the blink of an eye the fangs were buried deep in her thigh... and the venom began to course through her body. She wanted to drive her blade straight through its head... even if that meant driving it through her own leg in the process.
She wanted to, but no amount of willpower could get her arm to move.
The last thing she remembered was a sickly numbness, as everything got blurry, and all the colors of the jungle melted together into a hazy swirl.
‘You’d be better off if he was dead’
The voice yanked her back into the void of black. She lay there, resigned to listen to its discourse. Too weak to argue.
‘We’d be better off. Before you go and start getting your silly ideas about love again’
‘I mean... just look at what your feelings for him got you already’
‘you could have gotten away, but instead you rushed in blindly to try to save him’
‘pain... that’s all that love brings. Pain and misery. You know this, but do you listen?’
‘Noooooooo... of corse not. You’ve been hanging around that soft human Connavar too long. And that Blanche woman. Such compassion that it makes me want to puke. You mustn’t let yourself become like them Cora. They are weak.’
‘...and that weakness is beginning to coarse through you just like the venom from that snake.’
‘What makes you think he would want you anyway? Surely you could never compare to Claudia. And if he ever knew what you really are, he’d be as disgusted with you as I am. Besides, he has Meram now. You’d do far better to go back to hating him. At least that hatred gave you strength.’
She lay there in a near catatonic state as the voice droned on. The numbness seeming to spread to her very soul.
Till somewhere off in the distance... another faint voice could be heard.
It was calling out her name
“Cora... ?
Hold on lass”
She tried to turn her head toward the sound, and spoke in a feeble voice. “Johe?”
Connavar sat down beside her with a grin and replied. “Nah, much handsomer”
Opening her eyes a flood of light greeted them. It was too much, and reaching up to put her hand over her eyes, finally her arm obeyed her. Realizing she could move again, she tried to sit up, only for a stabbing pain in her thigh to flatten her once again. Suddenly she groped at the mat next to her, where once she thought there had been a form, but there was nothing there. Was her mind playing tricks on her? Was he still laying in the Jungle somewhere?
She tried to convince Connavar to go and look for him, until Ender informed them that Johe had recovered and departed already.
Her heart sank once again, her whole body feeling heavy with fatigue from fighting the poison. Possibly thinking Ender had not done enough for her, Connavar tried a different method than the antidote to help her recovery, playing a strangely soothing tune on a magical lute. As the music washed over her, she got a strange tingling sensation in her extremities. Closing her eyes, she wrestled with her thoughts once more.
What could she do?
She knew that she couldn’t make it on her own. The voice was right... SHE was right. She WAS weak, and the only way to persevere would be to draw strength from somewhere else. But there were only two places this strength could come from.
The blackness deep inside her being,
Or....... |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Re: Cora - in a sea of black
Posted: 24 Jun 2005 09:53 AM |
| Oooooh Great Stuff! :D |
Vives Screenshots!
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...per chance to dream
Posted: 28 Jun 2005 07:21 PM |
It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining, and barely a cloud in the sky. She sat in the rocking chair right outside the door to their home. Looking across the rolling green hills of Brandibuk, she could see their children playing happily, a game of stone throwing or some such thing. Sensing him come up behind her, she tilted her head to the side as he bent down to kiss her on the cheek. She smiled and closed her eyes, wishing this moment could last forever.
Then that chill ran down her spine.
As she opened her eyes, something was wrong. The sky, once clear and blue, had turned dark and menacing. She reached out to the side of her where he was just standing, to find nothing. A panic gripped her... she jumped to her feet, looking out to where the children were and watched in horror as shadowy figures emerged from the dark and started to carry the children away. She could hear a desperate scream echoing in her head, and realized it was hers as she tried to run to them... to save them, but something was holding her back. Sobbing uncontrollably, and straining to break free from what bound her there, she could only plead hysterically for the shadows not to take them, but they were gone, slowly enveloped in the darkness.
And the darkness kept spreading. Moving toward her now like a wall of black. She watched as it swallowed up everything in its path. Not only brandibuck, but strangely now she found herself in Port Royal, outside Pickston N Jessups. The darkness kept coming. She ran down the alley trying to escape, but as she ran her limbs grew heavier, until soon she fell to the ground and it took every ounce of strength to pull herself along. It was almost upon her as she struggled to move, and suddenly around the corner he came. Quick as a flash he had picked her up with ease and carried her down the alley to the Guyver shop. It was all she could do to hold onto him. They reached the door and he tried to set her down to unlock the door, but she wouldn’t let go... it was too late anyway, the darkness had caught up and enveloped them until nothing remained. Only the two of them... floating in the sea of black. She held on tight, sobbing desperately. She wasn’t going to let it take him. By sheer force of will, maybe she could keep it from enveloping him too. As he faded into the black, she cried out his name in a blood-curdling scream.
She awoke with a jolt, clothes drenched in sweat, her arms gripping Johe tightly. Realizing he was still there in her arms, she relaxed her grip and began to sob quietly. Thankfully he was sleeping like the dead, so she wouldn’t have to explain anything.
She had been sleeping peacefully... up until the dream anyway. A good nights sleep is something she hadn’t had in a while. But with him, it seemed she had found it. With him she felt... safe.
She had ignored the voice in her head and taken the plunge. That day in the cave, she had made the decision. Even when the shadows came out and glared hatefully at him... She could sense that it wanted to kill Johe, to keep her from making that mistake, from going down that path. But even if it WAS acting to protect her, she felt she had listened to it long enough, always trying to convince her that attachment brought nothing but pain and weakness. However, she was ready to try something different. To draw strength from someone else... someone who wanted her, as much as she wanted him. Though, she still couldn’t quite figure out how she came to feel this way... it just sort of happened.
And it felt...
right.
But now the images from her dream haunted her.
She sat up slowly and tried to get a handle on herself. Looking around she noticed they were laying at the foot of the bed, feet dangling off the end. Had they been THAT exhausted? Recalling the days events she sighed heavily and glanced down at the pouch on his belt. The finger was in there. Wrapped tightly in some blue cloth.
...She may have let her emotions out of that cage she had kept them in all those years, but strangely enough she could feel nothing for Meram. All she could think about was that this could happen to HER... Cora.
She remembered trying to make him promise that if anything DID happen, he wouldn’t get himself killed trying to save her. She wasn't worth that.
“Luv, ya can't make them kinda rules in luv” was his reply.
She lay back down and put her arms around him again.
Did he really love her?
Suppose there is no real way for any of us to know that answer for sure.
All she could do was hold on tight, and see what the future brought.
As she began to drift off, the voice, now very faint, spoke again.
‘Your going to regret this...’
She ignored it, and slipped into a fitful sleep. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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Dance of the shadows
Posted: 29 Jun 2005 11:06 AM |
Barely a sound was heard as an almost imperceptible fluctuation in the shadows rippled across the room.
The door swung with such care, and such patience, so as not to make a sound, that few would have noticed it had moved at all if not staring straight at it.
The floor never creaked.
The lock gave the faintest of sounds as the pins clicked into place... and shortly thereafter, another door was parted ever so slightly and shut with nary a sound.
Inside it was black.
Familiar.
Welcome.
A sudden breach in the darkness as a match was struck, and tossed in the fireplace. Soon the room was alive with the dance of a thousand shadows. Shadows created from the lights powerlessness to pass.
Amongst them danced a different shadow, spinning and twisting and weaving within them, like a graceful performer moving in a shared rhythm to the transcendent chorus of a thousand breathless voices.
...Until it came upon the mirror standing in the corner of the room.
There they were...
Those eyes...
Black...
And black they would remain
A carefully pressed and dried flower became a flash of light, adding its unique arrangement to the dance. Then a dress was hurled into the midst of the flames, the black coloring of the fabric seeming to find its way across the room and give life to its kindred as they moved across the walls.
She stood naked with her back to the fire, watching the performance all around her with a collected grin, and despite her proximity to the flames, she felt no heat.
In that moment, somewhere far away, yet paradoxically, within that very room, a lock clicked back into place. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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In the arms of Darkness
Posted: 06 Jul 2005 06:15 AM |
Darkness...
She lay in bed staring into the black. She could hear him breathing, feel the warmth of his breath on the back of her neck, the intimacy of his body against hers as his chest rose and fell with each breath.
For so many years now, she had been her own. Having vowed never to let a male touch her in that way again. But here she was, back to her old ways.
Only this time... it was different.
This time, it was just one fella. And he talked of a family... and forever, and always being there to protect her and provide for her.
Somewhere deep down inside, she wanted to believe him. The tiniest part of her wished for those things too. Wished to draw comfort from lying in his arms...
But the chains were too tight... the lock all but impenetrable.
She had learned to fake it so well in the past, to make every man feel like he was special... the only one. This would be no different... and as surprisingly inexperienced as he was, he should never suspect a thing.
She lay there with a cold, detached expression, and felt the black all around her... calling out to her... as tangible, if not more so, than the one who lay beside her.
As nimble as could be, she slid out of his grasp, eliciting little more than a sigh from him. In a flash she was dressed and out the door.
Yes... this time, it was very different.
Absently she whispered under her breath as she made her way down the alley, black eyes glinting with steely resolve. “Your not taking MY destiny... I’ll be the one doing the taking around here”
As she slipped into the shadows, she could feel the darkness envelope her. And it gave her the comfort she sought.
The comfort that his arms couldn’t. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Battered by the waves
Posted: 12 Jul 2005 04:26 AM |
"I jus' wants 'er ta be 'appy"
The words echoed over and over in her head.
‘How could he have said that?’
She closed her eyes, as she wandered aimlessly, replaying it all over in her mind.
It had been a great day. He had taken her places she had never been before. Places she would never dare go on her own.
There were things there that could see her, no matter how hard she tried to hide.
The darkness couldn’t protect her there... but Johe could.
Maybe she DID need him...
They worked so well together, as if they could sense each other in the shadows... she could feel when the moment was right to strike, the moment that he was in position.
And in those places, or against those creatures, where she couldn’t rely on the shadows to hide her, HE was the one that stood between her and the rest of the world.
At times it felt almost as if he was a part of her, an extension of herself.
‘You know why that is, don’t you...’ the familiar chill down her spine chilling her more completely than the snow or ice they traversed ever could.
Irritated she had replied within her thoughts, ‘yes, I know’
‘Careful that you don’t let your feelings get in the way again’
‘I know what I’m doing’
They had made their way to the Inn, after checking on the Reds, and got cozy by the fire.
She remembered how she couldn’t help but smile when she looked at him. It was all she could do to keep her emotions under control. He felt like the perfect compliment to her.
He reached for her hungrily, pulling her towards him and kissing her deeply. She felt the tingling in her toes, like she always did when he kissed her like that, and fought to keep her passion in check. But even when her heart was removed from the equation, her head added the pieces up, and it still made sense. Was this really meant to be? Could the voice in her head be lying to her? How long could she continue this charade?
He looked into her eyes stroking her hair gently.
He wasn’t helping the matter either. Even with her emotions locked up, he had a way of making her heart swell to the point of breaking loose from those chains at any given moment.
She felt so torn.
‘he doesn’t really love you...’
‘Maybe he does...’
And then...
"yer my cyfi", he whispered.
Time stopped dead
It was as though she ran headfirst into a stone wall.
‘How dare he!’
After what seemed like an eternity of soul wrenching agony, the deafening thump of a single heartbeat pulled her back to reality, as she shuddered involuntarily.
"Wut is it luv?"
She shook her head, trying franticly to collect her thoughts.
"What's what?" she smirked.
"Sumthin's buggin' ya, wut is it?"
She froze, fighting back the surge of anger that was welling up inside her.
“Nothing’s bugging me”, the irritation in her voice betraying her.
"Yer sure? ...cus ya seem ta...", he asked, his eyebrows raised with concern.
She frowned impatiently, drawing back from him slightly.
‘how DARE he call me that!’
It had to be a mistake, he hadn’t meant to call her that. Yes that had to be it.
Collecting herself, she placed a hand on his thigh.
“It’s nothing... now where were we?” she said, smiling seductively, thinking she could quickly get his mind off this.
“luv...”, he persisted firmly.
For the briefest of moments she wanted to give him a piece of her mind. Put an end to this game and just let loose on him. Let him know exactly how she was feeling. But right then, it felt as though an icy hand had gripped her heart, telling her that wasn’t an option.
‘I can’t give in... WON’T give in. emotions are a weakness.’
She sighed staring at him, wishing he would just let it go.
“Cyfi… I jus’…”
The dam burst once again, only this time she knew how to keep from being washed away with it. Grabbing hold of her anger, it allowed her to rise above the torrent of emotions... the sorrow, the pain, the guilt, the desire...
She stood abruptly flashing him a cold look.
"I'm going to get some air."
An echo of what the voice once told her, rang in her head...
‘...You’d do far better to go back to hating him. At least that hatred gave you strength’
At that moment, she was trying her best to simply hate him. He had called her Cyfi... and all she could think of was Claudia. Or those fellas that, in the throes of passion, mistakenly call out their mistresses name when they are with their wives. What in the HELLS was he THINKING?
But the question that pressed her even more was...
‘WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS BOTHER YOU?’
Try as she might, she couldn’t come up with a rational answer.
A few days later, she had seen him with Meram, and decided to follow them. Meram could see that something was wrong with him, he wasn’t himself, he kept forgetting things, and finally asked him what was eating at him.
As he sputtered on about how she had run off, and he had no idea why, she grew more and more angry. Until he spoke those words... those words that turned everything upside-down.
“I'd ratha she wus 'appy without me th'n misrable with me, I jus' wants 'er ta be 'appy.”
She closed her eyes and felt her heart melt, dripping down into a puddle on the floor.
Letting out an audible sigh, she quickly looked back up at him, and seeing him tilt his head to the side, she realized he had heard her. For a moment she could think clear enough to know she had to get out of there, and quickly slipped through the door before he could use one of his scrolls, or that robe of his, to see her.
Once she was outside however, she was lost. She didn’t know where to go.
She needed time. Time to sift through all the thoughts swirling around her head.
So she just kept walking. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Into the unknown...
Posted: 14 Jul 2005 02:19 AM |
“I jus' wants 'er ta be 'appy”
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get those words out of her head.
She had been avoiding him for days. Torn between needing to be as far away as possible... to try and think straight, and the desire to be near him... even if he didn’t know she was there.
Some days she would wander the countryside... trying to make sense of it all. Other days she would become his shadow, following him around, watching his every move. Her body aching for him to touch her... the voice in her head telling her she was a fool.
At one point he nearly stepped on her foot as she hugged the wall trying as hard as she could to not let him bump into her, but secretly wishing he would... the whole time thinking he must be able to hear the pounding of her heart, it was beating so fast.
Time to think... that’s what she kept telling herself. She needed more time to think.
But what was there to think about?
Of all the thoughts in her head, his voice kept rising to the surface.
“I jus' wants 'er ta be 'appy”
She could picture it so clearly. Crouched behind the cauldron in the Port Royal Herbalist shop, Johe and Meram just a few feet away, talking about her. He had no idea she was right behind him when he said that.
‘How could he have said that?’ she thought.
‘Unless...’
The chilling voice rose to the top of the myriad of thoughts in her head. Drowning out even Johe’s voice. ‘Unless he knew you were there’
‘but he didn’t... couldn’t have known’
‘why not? You could feel when HE was near, when you were out fighting giants, what makes you think he can’t feel when YOU are near?
He’s just using you Cora. Deep down you know its true.’
She shook her head as those words pierced her soul. ‘No... I don’t believe it. He didn’t know I was there... he really DOES want me to be happy... he really DOES care about me... he really...’
Her heart skipped a beat as she muttered the words softly to herself, unable to fully believe what she was saying; yet wanting desperately to.
“He really does love me”
‘and what if he DOES? Just because HE is weak, and succumbs to his emotions, doesn’t mean YOU have to. You can use that weakness against him. He’ll do anything you want him too... all in the name of ‘love’.’
Gritting her teeth, she hit herself in the head, just wanting the voice to stop. It was more than she could handle, she didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was all so... so... complicated. There must be something to take her mind off it all, something to distract her.
A few days of larceny and collecting info for the hand later... It seemed to be working pretty well.
Until...
They met in the desert. She was in a hurry and wasn’t thinking to keep to the shadows... and there he was.
Her first instinct was to slip into the shadows and get away... but she couldn’t, something inside wouldn’t let her. Her heart began to beat faster as she frowned a bit, wrestling with her thoughts... the voice in her mind now screaming at her to disappear, yet she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
They both stood there for a long awkward moment. Though she was unable to look him in the eye, she could feel his eyes on her. Hesitantly she broke the silence.
“heya”
Then he spoke. “git that air ya were afta?”
Her heart did a summersault and she frowned a bit more... desperately trying to think of what to say. All she could do was fidget nervously.
He looked at her sadly. “look luv...”
He hesitated, and she braced for the worst.
“ya gots tha key to tha 'ouse, ya gots tha key to me 'eart...”
She bit her lip, her mind unable to accept what he was saying.
Then the voice again... only this time it wasn’t accompanied by the eerie chill, and while it still sounded like her own voice, it seemed to come from somewhere entirely new.
‘HE LOVES YOU, YOU IDIOT. WHY CANT YOU BELIEVE THAT?’
Her mind reeled as she tried to process what it just said; finally she managed to cut him off in a very soft voice, “Johe... I'm... I'm sorry... I just... I need some time to... clear my head. I... I don’t know what to...”
The voice screamed once again in her head.
‘TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM TOO’
With a pained look, she put her hand to her forehead as her thoughts engaged in a shouting match.
‘I CAN’T TELL HIM!’
Johe stood there and swallowed hard. With a nod he said, “fair 'nuff.”
‘TELL HIM’
She wanted to... and as her mouth opened, the words on the tip of her tongue, at the last second she blurted out something else. “You’re not... mad at me... are you?”
“No luv, I culdn' be if I wanned ta be. I... I want ya 'ome... I want ya with me, but...”
Again he swallowed hard, clearly struggling with the words. “But...” his head dropped, looking at the ground. “Don’ cum 'ome unles ya wanna be there. I culdn't stand bein' sumwun wut makes ya uncumfertable”
Her head was spinning now; she didn’t know what to think.
Why was this so difficult?
Her thoughts were complete chaos.
‘He loves me’
‘He doesn’t love you, he just wants to use you’
‘I think I love him’
‘You don’t love him, your just too scared to make it on your own. You think you need him, think you want him, but its just your emotions wreaking havoc on you’
‘We are perfect for each other’
‘You have to be strong, ignore your emotions, turn the tables, make him your slave, use him the way he is trying to use you’
‘I want him to hold me’
‘You should HATE him’
‘I want to spend the rest of my life with him’
‘He called you Cyfi, he was just thinking of Claudia’
‘He didn’t mean it like that... He was thinking of ME’
‘HE WANTS WHAT YOU HAVE, DON’T LET HIM TAKE IT FROM YOU’
Feebly she managed to reply. “Its not you Johe... I just... have some things I gotta work out”
He just nodded, trying to look strong, “take yer time luv, I ain' goin' nowhere”
Time to think... that’s what she kept telling herself. She needed more time to think.
But what was there to think about?
She was in love with him... The lock she had put on her heart just couldn’t hold it in... or was it that it was unable to keep him out?
As if it made any difference... she was in love.
Yes... Completely and totally in love.
What else mattered?
Well, there was the slight problem of being unable to function without him, nor for that matter, when she was around him.
She let out a forlorn sigh and rested her face in her hands. “How do people DO this?”
Unsure whether she would be able to sort herself out... not knowing when, or If, she could ever return... she slipped into the darkness, and for a time, disappeared off the face of Vives. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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...drives out fear.
Posted: 21 Jul 2005 09:24 PM |
She lay awake next to him, the room faintly lit by the lingering firelight, illuminating his face with a warm glow. Watching him sleep, and smiling despite herself, she couldn’t believe now, that she had been so scared to tell him.
But now the deed was done.
She knew it would either be the greatest adventure she ever embarked on, or it would be the biggest mistake.
Now there was no turning back.
"I love you."
Three words she thought would never again fall from her lips.
But she had done it.
She had told him. Despite the entrenched feeling of dread over what she may be getting into, she had handed him the key to her heart.
He alone would have her love... her allegiance, her trust, her devotion.
At this moment, she didn’t care about the Hand, she didn’t care about the list, and she didn’t even care about the shadows.
If she DID have a destiny, she wanted no part of it if he couldn’t be there with her.
Her thoughts were quiet, her head was clear. Clearer than it had been for... well, for as long as she could remember. This was where she belonged.
She wondered if the shadow... that voice within her, was gone for good. Part of her hoped that it was, however, there was still a part that wanted it back... felt empty without it. Was it really her voice? Was it really just the darkness within her soul? And did her love for Johe (or his love for her) drive it away... somehow silence it?
There would be time for that later. Time to sort it all out. Now was not the time to think of such things.
Right now she was happy.
She was in love... and felt loved in return.
She cuddled up next to him... his words echoed distantly in her head.
‘tagetha we c'n do anythin' as long as we luv eech utha’
With a smile on her face, she drifted off to sleep. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Re: ...drives out fear.
Posted: 21 Jul 2005 11:06 PM |
| bumped to keep the sequence :) |
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a whisper in the dark
Posted: 29 Jul 2005 03:27 PM |
She was finding it hard to get over what happened the other day.
And even worse... Johe seemed to have forgotten it altogether.
Did he lover her that much that he could so easily overlook these instances when she seemed to be completely out of her mind?
Or perhaps it didn’t phase him because he really was just using her.
She frowned and pushed that thought out of her mind.
No, it must be that he just understands what its like to have that little voice in your head... whispering things into your mind... urging you to do things.
After all, he even named his.
She smirked as she thought of this.
‘Mr Rafferty... and what was it… lady Eratia?
‘hells, one might actually think I was sane compared to Johe... he has a whole other world inside his head’
But that whisper... why had it sounded like Johe?
Even though it was the last thing she wanted, she couldn’t help replay the scene in her mind.
She was sitting in his lap, they had been arguing over how their relationship was going to work. Johe, of course, just had his usual blind faith that everything would be fine... why did he always have to be so ******* optimistic about it? At first it was a kind of a turn on. He simply believed that they were meant for each other... and refused to entertain the possibility that everything wouldn’t work out perfectly.
But the longer it weighed on her, the more irritating his chirpy, childish faith began to seem.
And there it was again. “so evrythin's awlrite, an' evrythin'll be awlrite as long as we're tagetha. 'kay?” he said.
She just gave a sad smile and a nod.
And then it happened.
Barely audible, she heard Johe whisper slowly, accusingly
“murderer...”
Instinct took over as she pushed away from him, trying to free herself from his arms. But... why would he say such a thing? She froze, looking thoroughly confused... Johe, now looking hurt, looked down at his feet.
Thinking she must have imagined it, she relaxed, but now it was her little voices turn.
With an “I told you so” tone. ‘he’s on to you ya know. He knows what you did.
I told you he could never love you.
How could he?’
The voice turned suddenly cold and malicious
‘...murderer.’
She looked up at Johe with a trace of fear in her eyes. Did he really know? Was he just toying with her?
‘of course he’s toying with you. He doesn’t care about you. Your only going to get hurt if you stay with him’
He looked back at her a bit perplexed as she jumped up.
She managed to stammer “I.. I’m sorry cyfih.. I just.. need some air” before rushing for the door and disappearing into the alley.
She made her way to a dark corner and threw herself down, head in her hands, feeling angry and hurt.
‘what must I do to convince you that…’
“Shut up... just leave me alone”
‘I cant leave you alone... I AM you’
Hitting herself hard in the head she screamed “THATS A LIE!!”
With a impatient sigh it continued ‘We’ve been over this before. You know it isn’t.’
She pulled her legs up close, and started to sob.
‘One day you will come to your senses, put aside all this nonsense with Johe, and start listening to me again... like you did before’
Weakly she mumbled “no... shut up..”
‘I wont shut up. Because unlike Johe, who is just using you, I actually care about what happens to you. We are one, you and I... I only want what’s best for you... for us.’
“You have no idea what’s best for me” she spat angrily
The voice just chuckled amusingly ‘We’ll see... the day is going to come when this all blows up in your face. We’ll see how you feel about it then eh?’
Angrily she muttered “yeah... I guess we will”
She wandered back home, and made up with him. (it was always easy to make up with Johe) And convinced herself it was just her imagination. Johe would never do something like that. And besides... how could he possibly know?
Yes, best to just forget about it.
But even with things back to normal, or at least as normal as life could be with Johe, she found she couldn’t shake the thought that the voice might be right...
some day this would all blow up in her face. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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...perchance -not- to dream.
Posted: 01 Aug 2005 02:33 PM |
Cora woke with a jolt, gasping for breath, the sheets drenched with sweat.
Sitting up and clutching her hand to her chest, feeling as though her heart had just been ripped out, the dream started to come slowly back to her.
She did her best to not think about it. Her mind grasped for something else... ANYthing else.
But the alternative wasn’t much better.
All she could manage to distract herself with was the little voice in her head.
Was it lying to her? Was she lying to herself?
The voice in her head just couldn’t be her own... could it?
Can there exist a part of you that wants something completely opposed to what you desire most?
Maybe it did know what was best for her. After all, it had never steered her wrong in the past...
Never.
It always had wanted what was best for her, and she had always followed its advice...
Until Johe came along.
But was it wrong this time? Or was she truly being foolish?
Love is a weakness it said.
It brings nothing but pain and misery.
Only fools let themselves be tossed about on a sea of emotion, never sure that the next day, all wouldn’t be lost, and their whole world turned inside out... utterly destroyed.
Looking down at where her hand was clutched to her chest, she sighed heavily, and traced her fingers across one of the new scars that now adorned her body.
There were so many reasons to walk away. This scar was merely a very visible reminder of one of those reasons.
Before Johe, she rarely got into situations where she found herself on deaths door... she knew her limits and stayed within the boundaries of common sense... but now? Now she found herself thrust into the fray more often than she cared to count.
Though, it was exhilarating.
She got a surge of near euphoric excitement from killing these beasts and monsters. And each kill made her lust for it more... something deep within her was awoken... a carnal desire for the shedding of blood. And that scared her.
But apart from that, and more disconcerting... it brought back memories.
Memories she wished would have stayed forgotten.
And here she was... back to the dream... her mind, in its attempt to stay away from it, had simply followed a path right back to it. For her dreams too were threaded with images of that terrible memory... so long ago.
So that most nights these days, she awoke gasping for breath, and covered in sweat... an image of empty, lifeless eyes staring up at her, imprinted powerfully in her mind.
She lay back down quietly after catching her breath and checking to see that she hadn’t woke Johe. Turning away from him, she wept bitterly, and as quietly as she could, while she tried fruitlessly to get the image out of her head.
And like most nights, she would again cry herself to sleep, praying that the dreams would stop. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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a lump in the mind
Posted: 02 Aug 2005 04:12 PM |
They were walking into brandibuck, having just dispatched some, as Johe puts it, “meenies.” Smiling, she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She always felt very close to him... right after...
Johe just smiled at her... the kind of smile that made her toes tingle.
“Dunno ‘ow ya dus it cyfi”, grinning at her shaking his head, “ya beaned that ettin’ rite in tha noggin, tha bugga didn’ ‘ave a chance! yer reely getting’ good at this luv.”
Her smile wavered a bit, but before he could comment on it, something else caught their attention... the voices of angry men running toward them.
They both turned to look and saw a group of about six or more men in uniform, brandishing swords, running their way, and shouting to no one in particular.
“best giv up now”
“don’ fink you can hide from us”
“Were gonna find ya... ‘n when we DO...”
“you’ll never get away”
“giv it back, and we migh jus let ya live”
As they stormed past, Cora turned to look at Johe, and suddenly he was looking angry as well. Pulling out his swords he followed in their wake, yelling threats the same as they, sounding as though he had always been one of them. He left her there alone.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something dart inside the door of a nearby house.
Strangely compelled, she slowly made her way to the door, and glancing around to see if anyone was watching, opened it carefully, and quietly. She looked inside, but could see no movement, just an empty room. Crossing the threshold, she couldn’t help the feeling there was something familiar about the place.
Inside, the air was heavy and still, and not a sound could be heard.
Her curiosity was building... who was it she saw come in here... and where did they go?
She rounded the corner to see a makeshift bed at the other end of the room. A mattress laid out on the floor... looking more like a place for naps than for sleeping... and with a curious lump in the covers.
Is that who she saw? Was it simply the owner of the house, come in to take a nap to avoid the noonday sun?
No, something didn’t feel right.
A desperate urge to know what that strange lump was overtook her.
Carefully she inched forward, her heart began to race faster with every step.
She was almost there... just a few more feet and she would know what those covers concealed.
Suddenly someone grabbed her arm.
She didn’t even care who or what it might have been, all that mattered was seeing what was under those covers. She tried to lunge at the bed, but the hand held her firmly in place
A voice called out as if from a great distance, but by the end of the sentence, she could tell he was right next to her
"cyfi wut is it? plees!"
She awoke with a start, looking up at Johe who had a hold of her arm and had been shaking her gently. He looked at her like a wounded dog, obviously on the verge of tears, his hands shaking with helplessness.
She gave a sigh... a mixture of relief and disappointment, then tried to smile as though everything was fine.
He sighed and looked at her from under concerned eyebrows, as if he was trying to hide, but was too curious to stay hidden. "yer awlrite then luv?"
“yeah.. I... um... just had a dream about... snakes, is all. No big deal” she smiled reassuringly.
The more she lied to him about her dreams, the more she was sure he wasn’t buying it at all. And yet, he didn’t press the issue. She was very grateful for that, for she wanted to think about them as little as possible.
Life, of course, had a different idea. It seemed like everywhere they went, there was something to remind her of it.
And now there was something big. This whole ordeal with bloodwood, and brandibuck, and trying to come up with a way to prevent all those creatures of shadow from passing through... wreaking terror upon the citizens on their way to Maldovia.
Did he have to mention the children? It would have been fine if no one had mentioned the children. It would have been just another incident that she could care less about. If the folk of brandibuck were going to be so pig headed as to refuse to leave and let these things pass through peacefully, then maybe they deserve whatever happens.
But not the children.
They don’t get a choice... its up to the adults... but children are far more susceptible to the kind of terrors these shadows could bring.
At first she couldn’t put her finger on why this was bothering her so much. Why she felt such a need to protect them.
Until night came again... and she had another dream. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Innocence lost
Posted: 04 Aug 2005 07:31 AM |
Once again, she found herself in brandibuck.
Only something was different. She was a kid again. Looking up at Johe, he appeared to her like a father figure, holding her hand, and smiling brightly as they walked.
Looking to her left she saw a strangely familiar house.
Then Johe vanished and she was left alone in the street, grasping around in the air for his hand that had been there moments before. Suddenly she heard footsteps and yelling... voices of men, angry voices... they were after someone.
A swift realization washed over her as her heart skiped a beat... they were after her.
She had done something, something she shouldn’t have and they were out to get her... to punish her... or worse.
What could she have done to make them so angry? To make them want to catch her? Surely they would hurt her if they found her.
She looked down to see a sack in her hands and a startling apprehension washed over her.
She took something... something they wanted back.
The angry voices drew nearer... without thinking she ran to the house, and entered. The voices grew very near as she ducked out of sight behind a cabinet. As they ran past the house, her fears were getting the better of her.
What would happen if they caught her? Would they demand justice be served, or would they just kill her themselves?
Surely they wouldn’t take matters into their own hands... she was just a child. No one would kill a child over a loaf of bread.
But what was the alternative? To get your hand cut off. Isn’t that what they did to thieves?
A morbid curiosity crept into her head.
What if it -wasn’t- a simple loaf of bread?
With a shaking hand she opened the sack, and gasped suddenly.
It was beautiful... and mysterious. A glimmering golden light filled the room as she stared at it in awe.
I stole that?
ME?
How was that possible?
It must be worth a fortune. Surely this object had been in the possession of a powerful mage, or locked away somewhere heavily guarded, or...
Something stirred across the room, looking up quickly she found a pair of eyes staring back at her in surprise. It was a boy, not much younger than her, awoken from his nap in the corner of the room.
Her heart stopped... and for a moment they each seemed too afraid to function.
They boy looked down at the glimmering light and abruptly started screaming.
A panic was mere inches away... she dropped the sack, after looking around the room quickly.
“shhhhh. No no.. its alright.. I’m not going to hurt you... please, just... be quiet”
But as she advanced on the boy, his screams only got louder.
Images of the angry guards dragging her through the streets to strap her to the executioners’ block raced through her head. The panic gripped her fully, and she did the first thing that came to mind.
Racing over, she jumped on the boy, pinning him to the mattress. Quickly she grabbed his pillow and mashed it over his face.
Holding it down, she spoke in a hysterical whisper over the muffled cries of the boy “Shhhh.. please.. you have to shut up now. Its ok, everything will be alright.”
His arms swung wildly about, trying to land a solid blow to her somewhere... anywhere, but she was too nimble, and managed to dodge his hands, or pin an arm beneath a knee, or keep him controlled somehow. But the screaming... it had to stop. She now pictured the guards beating her to death. Still able to hear him under the pillow, she pressed down harder until she could hear the screams no more.
“stop it... just be quiet. Its alright, just a little bit longer... they will be gone soon, far enough away that I can leave.. and you can scream all you want.”
The flailing arms and legs became more desperate, then began to loose their strength.
“yes yes.. that’s it... just calm down. Everything will be fine”
glancing up quickly she looked around at each of the windows, afraid to see enquiring eyes peering through, but there was nothing.
Her heart racing, mind unable to focus on what was happening, she suddenly felt the boy give a strange shudder, and his body went limp.
“everything will be...”
Looking down at the boy, he was completely still. Had he just given up? Finally realized that it was pointless to keep fighting? Whatever the case, she was relieved to hear silence once again. Hesitantly, she removed the pillow, ready to thrust it back upon him in a split second if he felt the need to resume.
But there was nothing. Not a sound, not a movement... nothing.
Nothing but his eyes looking up at her with a blank stare.
How could he be so calm all of a sudden?
He was sleeping. Yeah, that had to be it. She shook him. No response. She shook him harder. Still nothing. Shaking him forcefully she began to plead with him “wake up! come ON! everyone is gone now... its alright”
The panic was starting to take over once again, as she slapped his face hard
“GET UP!”
A wave of horror washed over her as she slowly realized what she had done.
“please wake up... please” she was sobbing uncontrollably now and desperately pleading with him to wake up.. but it was no use.
There is life... there is death... and the difference between either one... is one single breath.
In that moment, any trace of innocence she had left was ripped away, snuffed out forever, just like the life of the boy that now lay beneath her.
She stopped crying and felt a cold detachment wash over her.
Life would never be the same. The world, and everything in it, was now much darker.
Cora lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling... she felt numb, disconnected... how many moments passed before she realized she was no longer dreaming, but awake, she would never know.
She had spent her whole life running from that event, trying to forget it. Yet being unwittingly shaped by it in whatever she did.
And now it dawned on her... the reason she felt such concern for the children of brandibuck... maybe if she was able to help them, redemption could be found. Surely not complete redemption, but she would settle for even a tiny bit.
She got up slowly, and got dressed. Almost in a daze, she made her way out the door.
It could never bring the boy back. It couldn’t erase what had been done all those years ago.
But maybe,
Just maybe...
...it would be enough to get a small part of what she had lost, back. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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...Until madness do us part
Posted: 04 Aug 2005 09:47 PM |
She lay in the tub, staring up at the ceiling. Eyes unfocused... ears ignoring every sound... body lifeless but for the very faint rise and fall of her chest that belied the possibility she was dead. Her first thought when running the water had been to drown herself... but she didn’t even have the strength to do that. Instead, the water had long ago become cold as her mind fought desperately to find something to hold onto. Some anchor to bring her back to reality.
Madness is a curious thing.
How can one who is suffering a loss of sanity ever really know if it is actually happening?
What if she was completely sane, and the world was just out to make her think she wasn’t?
Or maybe this was just another nightmare... a really... long... excruciatingly painful one.
And why NOW?
Couldn’t it have waited for a time when there was nothing else going on? A little bit of insanity when all the rest of life is good... that could actually be enjoyable.
But now...
Her world was crumbling around her.
And her mind wanted to go in a hundred different directions at once, or nowhere at all.
There had been a glimmer of hope...
Never before had she thought that she could find someone to love... or even that she was capable of love. Or that someone could possibly love her.
But now that was gone.
Utterly destroyed.
Johe was gone. She told him goodbye... the sensation was like ripping her own heart out with her bare hands, but she felt she couldn’t be with him any longer.
And after she had fought so hard to make it work.
Would Johe ever really know what she had been willing to give up to be with him?
Perhaps he did know... that was why he kept at it. Kept feeding her the lie (was it a lie?) that he loved her... would love her forever. Just to get at the only thing she felt really made her exceptional... and steal it from her.
But he made a mistake. Thinking it would ease her fears that he was trying to take anything from her, he had shown her that the shadows were becoming so much a part of him that he too was now able to call upon their aid... and it only confirmed what her little voice had tried to tell her.
And then the newest glimmer of hope... to help the children of brandibuck, so that she could get even the tiniest part of her soul back... a minute speck of light to assuage the darkness that held her captive for so long.
Like everything else, that was falling right through her fingers as well.
Again, It was all his fault. He was the driving force behind making that happen, and now she had left him, and with him, all hope of helping.
How could he do this to her?
No.
It wasn’t his fault at all...
It was all HER fault. She hadn’t listened.
‘...the day is going to come when this all blows up in your face.’
That day came far too soon. She wasn’t ready for it. But can you ever truly be ready?
No more love. She had none to give.
No more compassion. Compassion was for the weak.
No more hope. Hope was for someone else.
No more concern. Nothing mattered anymore.
Nothing.
She wanted desperately to believe that... that nothing mattered. She wanted desperately to cut out the pain. Even with the initial shock over...
The horror she felt at seeing Johe call forth the shadows...
Her mind feeling like it would explode as the realization hit her that her whole world was being destroyed...
Her heart ripped to shreds by the one that claimed to love her.
But even now, when everything ran together and congealed into a dull aching knot in her chest...
something inside her refused to let go.
She had opened her heart too wide, and as much as she tried to patch the hole, it refused to close fully.
There was hope left.
Or was that a lie as well?
Maybe it was just another example of how weak she was...
She couldn’t even gather the courage to end her own life.
Perhaps, if she was lucky, she could get Mr. J to give her and impossible task... one that was sure to get her killed.
But could that end the pain, or would it simply follow her into death?
So there she lay, alone in the dark, enveloped in the cold still water of the tub, locked in her room, completely tuned out from the rest of the world
The minutes passed... turning into hours... into days... into...
. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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...Until -death- do us part
Posted: 08 Aug 2005 05:42 PM |
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“I wus wunnerin' if maybe...ya think ya'd wanna git married?”
Johe’s hand opened to reveal a ring.
The question had clearly stunned her. She didn’t know if she was ready for this. They had barely just made up, and now he was asking her to be Mrs. Johe Jaxon.
A million thoughts hopes and fears flew around her head...
It had only been a few days since Mr. J had let himself into Cora’s room and found her, oddly enough, sprawled out on the bathroom floor in a daze. Though his presence somehow helped to re-solidify her connection to reality.
But right now, the only part of the incident that stood out in her mind was...
“I think I know what I gotta do”
He tilted his head with curiousity. “wha dat?”
Trying to pull herself up using the tub she couldn’t quite manage it.
‘How ironic’ she thought. With a smirk and a distant look she replied “...find my strength”
Jessup had given a snort and helped her to her feet. “Well da a ztart” he had said. Only, in her mind, it wasn’t the start... it was the goal.
‘it is not what you must do, but whether you are strong enough to do it that is the question...’
She WAS strong enough. For all these years hadn’t she been working on that?
She had shown the world she could do it... had taken her life in to her own hands... to live it on her own terms. Sure there were a few setbacks here and there... but this time, she wouldn’t fail. This time, she was more determined than ever before.
Now was the time for her to be tested. She would prove she was strong enough.
She was ready!
Looking Johe in the eye, a bit scared she replied.
“Yes”
. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Trust
Posted: 29 Aug 2005 06:33 PM |
She didn’t trust any of the Guyvers. Hell, she didn’t even trust Johe... not completely anyway. But after all, she did share his bed. That requires a certain amount of trust no matter who you are.
Oh... and then there was that little matter of getting married. But she wasn’t going to think of that just now... ‘Your making the right choice,’ and quickly she pushed it right out of her head.
As for these Guyvers... what an eclectic bunch THEY were.
Coming from who knows what kind of background.
Were they all as passionate about fighting the “meanies” as Johe was, or did they have some different angle?
The Guyvers that had been around for a while were trustworthy... well, at least Johe trusted them.
But these new fellas... some of them just didn’t seem the type. What were they playing at?
Johe was far too trusting as far as she was concerned. But then, as far as she was concerned, NO ONE in this world was really trustworthy.
She couldn’t help but be intrigued, and a bit amused by Johe. He was so excited to have more help to fight that never ending battle against the “meanies” that he hardly even paused to consider who he was accepting into the ranks.
Good ol Johe, always the optimist. Never accepting that a thing couldn’t be done... always pressing forward and not afraid to take whatever steps were necessary. (It was one of the reasons she had been so drawn to him in the first place.) Any help was welcome as far as he was concerned... he didn’t give a dang what their angle was.
But then, if the principles that Johe ran the Guyvers by were disagreeable to them, that was a matter THEY would have to live with.
As for Johe, he always knew what he wanted, and was always prepared to live with the consequences of his actions.
Cora sighed, twisting the ring he had given her for their engagement around on her finger...
These were some pretty big consequences. She was sure he didn’t fully grasp the enormity of asking her to marry him... what he was getting himself into.
Yep, good ol Johe...
He knows what he wants!
Doesn’t necessarily know what’s GOOD for him, but certainly knows what he wants...
And is never afraid to try and get it.
She frowned thoughtfully.
“Well... I know what I want right now,” she said softly to herself.
“A little more coin in my pocket...
Gotta pay for this dang wedding somehow”
And slipping out the door, she made off down the alley to go and get it. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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Puppet strings
Posted: 22 Sep 2005 03:48 AM |
Always when you least expect it... that’s when life slaps you square in the face.
The waves of emotion she kept buried deep inside had been under control.
There was always the threat they could dash her heart to pieces... if she gave them the chance, if she let them out fully. The trick was learning to walk the line... to let her feelings flow... without letting herself be mastered by them.
It made her deception that much more convincing.
Lately she had been getting the hang of it; as though she was a puppeteer inside her own mind... pulling the strings that controlled her body. Opening the floodgates just enough to let a trickle of emotion out, and stand aside as they fulfilled their purpose.
She could play the part, yet somehow keep herself... her true self... removed, separate, detached... compartmentalized.
She had been doing such a good job, that even the shadow couldn’t seem to tell.
‘You think you’re in control...’
But she was in control.
At least more so now than ever before.
She knew who the enemy was... everyone but her
And who to trust... no one but her
Not even the shadows could be trusted anymore.
The voice in her head had finally slipped up and let out that it knew things... had experiences, knowledge, interaction... completely apart from her.
It was now clear that it was something else... something altogether separate.
But she could never dwell upon it, never think about it, or mull it over and try to determine what it could be... and what its motivations might be.
It had to remain a feeling...
An understanding without thought, for this is what kept it hidden.
Or so she hoped. So far it seemed to be working.
Buried deep down, kept tucked away amongst her feelings of being betrayed by Johe, and among the distrust, anger, and desire for revenge, was the feeling she was utterly alone.
There was no one to turn too... now she had to be strong.
Perhaps one day, the shadow would reveal what it was after. Until then, she simply wouldn’t think about it... just keep playing the game.
But then the slap.
He was disfigured almost to the point of being unrecognizable.
And the stench... was enough to bring tears to your eyes.
As she stood there looking at Johe, There was a small corner of her heart that ached for him... wished she could do something to fix him... even wished she could trade places with him... so he wouldn’t suffer.
At that moment, she realized that there would always be a part of her that loved him.
And now that the shadows couldn’t be trusted, everything the voice had said to turn her against him...
It was all meaningless...
Something in her brain seemed to short circuit.
Unable to process the thoughts and feelings surging through her, she somehow managed to get through the encounter.
As if all that time she spent removed from herself in order to manipulate her feelings into working for her, was meant for this very moment... to prepare her for this.
She stepped aside... lost and confused, unable to make sense of what was happening within her... and the puppet was acting on its own.
Only after he had gone, did she realize it had played its part well. Or at least well enough. He still believed she loved him.
Only... the astounding thing was... she did!
Luckily he had already decided he couldn’t put her through the torment of having to look at him in that state. And even though he promised it wouldn’t be long, there was really no way to know how long he would be away.
She was relieved... not because it truly was sickening to be near him when he looked like that... smelled like that... although that might be a bonus.
No, she was relieved because she needed time to sort herself out. Time to decide whom to trust... and whether love was a thing she could allow herself to feel... or even do.
Her head was swimming...
What would become of her?
What would become of her and Johe?
And what of the shadows... the voice in her head?
It couldn’t be trusted.
But perhaps...
Just perhaps... it could still be an ally.
With a deep sigh, and her mind heavy with thoughts, she disappeared into the shadows... and there, for the first time in a long while...
She found solace. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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What’s trust got to do with it?
Posted: 05 Oct 2005 07:14 PM |
How do you continue to fall deeper in love with someone at the same time your trust in them dwindles to nothing?
She lay there in his arms, for the first time in what seemed like forever.
She hadn’t cared what he looked like, all she knew is that she missed the warmth of his body against hers... the embrace of his arms around her.
It helped her sleep...
Usually anyway.
Right now, one little thought kept nagging at her... keeping her awake.
‘This is a bad idea.’
Her own little voice was speaking this time... she didn’t need the shadows to figure that out.
However, soon enough, the all too familiar chill was there, as another voice sounded in her head.
‘See, I tried to warn you...’
Reluctantly she replied. ‘Yeah yeah... love is a weakness.’
Her resolve strengthened. ‘But you know what? It’s a weakness I’m prepared to endure right now.’
‘Why? Is he really worth all of that?’
‘Yes...
Maybe...
I think so.’
‘I don’t know what you see in him.’ A cold, amused chuckle echoed in her head. ‘Its certainly not his looks, that’s for sure.’
Cora smiled sarcastically. ‘Yeah... very funny.’
‘...He loves me.’
‘Does he?’
‘I believe he does.’
‘Even after the tip off you got from one of your associates?’
At this she frowned. Not wanting to believe what she had heard from this "accociate", she had put it as far out of her thoughts as possible.
There was a long silence, and then...
‘You’re a silly girl.’
‘Yeah, well, you’re a liar… so why the hell should I listen to you?’
Just then Johe stirred slightly in his sleep. His arm pulling her closer, she snuggled up against him with a sigh.
So she couldn’t trust him... so what?
She loved him.
All that mattered was that he was here.
Now.
With her.
As long as they were together, nothing else mattered.
Besides... what’s trust got to do with it? |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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...never worth the pain that you feel
Posted: 17 Nov 2005 12:06 PM |
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Love...
It isn’t real.
Doesn’t exist.
~*~
Cora sat up in bed and moved to sit on the edge with a heavy sigh, her mind a bit hazy after a night of restless sleep. Johe had been missing for what now seemed like ages.
So much had happened since he disappeared. So much to think about... yet she always tried not to. She didn’t want to deal with those feelings... couldn’t deal with them.
But she would have to eventually.
She gave another sigh as one word rose to the surface of the haze in her mind... that word that had plagued her, her entire life.
Love...
Lately, any time someone spoke the word, she couldn’t help but cringe inside
She could hear Johes voice as though he were right next to her.
“I’ll luv ya ferever”
“yer my cyfi”
Cora spat on the floor in disgust.
‘It was bad enough to have been played’ she thought, ‘but I actually fell in love with him’
She grimaced, getting up to wander over to the Armoire. ‘I wonder how many other women he professed his undying love to? Besides Claudia... Eliana... Meram...’
She couldn’t help her mind from wondering as she picked through her clothes halfheartedly.
Had he dismissed them ALL so easily as she had seen him do to Meram?
And had Claudia’s death really been an accident?
On the other hand, what if he truly DID love them all?
But then, how could he choose between them? And how could he have discarded Meram so easily? Had he said the very same words to her? Professed his endless love? Called her cyfi?
If so, then how could he brush her aside so easily?
Cora frowned, grabbing something to wear, and slammed the Armoire shut.
‘Love doesn’t work that way.’
If there was anything at all Cora thought she knew about love... it was this.
It cannot simply be turned off.
As she dressed she tried to keep from remembering how painful it had been... letting go... no, being let go.
‘I’ll never fall in love again’
Those words echoed tauntingly in her head... the words of the promise she had made herself so many years ago.
‘So much for keeping promises.’
‘You see? You see what love has brought you this time?’
Cora scowled as the familiar voice mocked her.
‘You wouldn’t have to feel this pain, if you hadn’t fallen in love with Johe in the first place. But no, you thought you had it under control. Thought you could handle it.’
‘And as if that wasn’t bad enough, now you are starting to have feelings for this Tomi...’
‘I am not’
She was really starting to resent the fact that the shadow was right all the time. Though, the anger welling up inside her wasn’t just because of its meddling... but also in part because she knew she had been slipping... loosing control once again.
She passed Zig silently, with the scowl still firmly etched on her face, making her way out the door and down the alley, the dark night completely enveloping her. The voice continued to drone on in her head.
‘And you’ve got to be twice his age... at least. What, you think just because he is young, that you could... mold him better? Somehow keep him from one day trampling your heart underfoot like Johe did...’
‘Or Thomas did?’
Her anger flared to an intensity that even surprised her. Spinning around suddenly, she found herself shouting into the darkness of the alley.
“I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION HIS NAME AGAIN!”
There was a great pause, in which the silence was deafening. Not even the sound of rats scurrying about. Inside her head, the memories she had buried so long ago threatened to escape the dark recesses of her mind... to haunt her once again.
The voice returned with quiet confidence.
‘You see? All this time passed... and still, the mere mention of his name...’
“We are not going to discuss this!” she said quietly through gritted teeth.
‘Oh, but I think we are.’
It was too late. The memories were in clear focus now. She braced herself against the wall as they assailed her.
***
Keep your distance.
That’s what you learned once you embarked on the worlds’ oldest profession. You learned it quick, or you paid the consequences.
Keep your distance... don’t get attached... and by the gods, never, EVER, fall in love.
It was the unwritten law of the trade.
Usually it wasn’t a problem. The fellas who paid for such services, were not the type you fell for.
Usually...
HE was different.
Those eyes... something about those eyes that she couldn’t look away from.
He reminded her of someone... or something.
Maybe it was herself.
Whatever it was, he sensed it too... he picked her over all the others.
He was different all right. Honest, tender, confident... except for the eyes.
His eyes spoke of loss… pain... heartache.
He only wanted company... to talk.
So they talked.
His next visit... talk
And the next, and the next.
But the more they talked, the more they were drawn to each other.
Cora never noticed it happening. But three months after he first walked through the door, she found she didn’t want him to leave. Couldn’t let him leave. Couldn’t bear to be apart from him.
She had let herself get attached...
No... it was worse than that.
She loved him.
But he didn’t love her.
How could he?
The woman he loved was still out there... the reason for that look in his eyes. She was betrothed to another man. Thomas had not the right “parentage.” But that didn’t stop him from trying. Trying to prove his worth to her parents.
Cora could see it... why couldn’t they?
Again and again he returned to be with Cora... always just to talk, but talking no longer satisfied her. She wanted him. Wanted him to be fully hers. Enough of the talking...
She convinced him... it was what they both needed... wanted...
Seduced him.
And then in the heat of passion, she let it slip.
“I love you”
“I love you too”
And when she awoke, he was gone.
Forever.
He’ll come back.
He said he loved me.
He’ll come back.
He awoke that morning, his head having cleared... from the alcohol, and the throes of passion.
He had to go.
A fella like that, needs a respectable gal you see.
And she was far from respectable. Doesn’t matter how he felt about her, it just couldn’t be.
It was the most painful thing she had ever experienced.
Worse than killing an innocent child. With that, a piece of her soul had been taken. But at least it was taken... gone... you can’t feel what you don’t have.
This was worse, because her heart was still there... it was just crushed, mangled beyond recognition. If she could have ripped it out and thrown it away, she would have.
But she couldn’t. So she tried the next best thing.
Claudia...
She was the only reason Cora made it through.
Claudia had found her lying in a pool of her own blood. Somehow, she managed to pull Cora from the brink of death... back to the cold hard reality of life.
And somewhere deep inside, she hated Claudia for it. Cora owed Claudia her life... and even though they became as close as sisters, she could never forgive her for keeping her here.
But life, as painful as it was, went on.
“I’ll never fall in love again.”
***
A gust of cold air whipped through the alley, cutting across her face and jerking her back to the present.
Thomas... she thought sure he had loved her... she felt it.
But he had just used her. Much like Johe has been.
Cora steeled her resolve.
‘As far as I’m concerned, he never existed.’
A tone of amusement now evident in the voice as it continued.
‘I see... and what about Johe? are you going to forget HE ever existed? Or how about Tomi, will you erase all memory of him as well?
Can you bury the feelings you have for THEM?
And then what? Will you kill them... erase them from this world as well as your memory, just so that you don’t have to face the fact that YOU are to blame? That YOU made the decision to open yourself up to this pain, that YOU seem to have this pointless desire for love?’
With each word she slipped further and further into despair.
‘That YOU are a weak, pathetic, silly little girl that is too afraid to face life alone?
Too afraid to take hold of the power available to you... IN you, if you would just stop looking to others for validation… to give your existence meaning…’
The voice continued, though she was far past the point of hearing any of it... it all just blurred into an incomprehensible noise echoing in her head as she fought desperately, and futilely, to contain the flood of emotions that had now broken free.
Her entire life, she’d been at the mercy of her emotions. Sure there were times when she was in control, but they didn’t last. And usually they just ended in disaster. Just when she would come to feel confident in her own abilities to direct the course of her life, these... emotions... would overwhelm... setting her adrift once again on that endless stormy sea, always threatening to dash her heart to pieces upon the rocks.
Cora slumped slowly against the wall, sliding to the ground.
The pain... sorrow... disappointment... all her fears... washing over her. The fear of loss. Fear of being alone, of having to take responsibility for her own life. Fear of intimacy, being known for who and what she truly was. Fear, even, of her own success, and forever after having to then hold herself to an unattainable standard.
Fear is strong, and love’s for everyone who isn’t me.
She was tired of it all.
It was time to make a decision.
Time to put her foot down.
I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
I'll just pretend he never was real
I don't believe in love
I need to forget his face, I see it still
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel
Cora picked herself up off the ground. They would go out in search of Johe soon. She would have to face him... have to face herself.
Finally she had made up her mind... now it was time to put it to the test.
Love?
It isn’t real.
Doesn’t exist
. |
"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
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The sweet smell of defeat
Posted: 21 Nov 2005 03:33 PM |
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Cora picked herself up off the ground. They would go out in search of Johe soon. She would have to face him... have to face herself.
Finally she had made up her mind... now it was time to put it to the test.
...and she failed miserably.
~*~
Cora woke up in his arms, a contented smile on her face, having slept soundly for the first time in... she couldn’t even recall how long.
‘So that’s it then is it?’
‘All that talk about being strong... the resolve to not let emotion take over... to be free of emotions once and for all.’
‘So easily forgotten with him here in your bed.’
‘You hardly even put up a fight.’
Her smile faded as the prior days events slowly came back into focus.
She had lost control... yet again.
She had tried to be strong. Tried to stay focused...
Then she found herself standing over his limp body laying at the edge of a cliff... and found it difficult to hold back the anger that was welling up inside. It was all she could do not to just kick his lifeless form over the edge, into the ominous depths of the chasm below... the voice whispering in her head to be rid of him forever.
But then she would have no answers... and there HAD to be answers.
So they brought him back to life.
But that just made it worse. With every word he spoke, her anger swelled a bit more...
But so did the growing desire to be held by him... which only served to make her even more angry because of the fact that she couldn’t be rid of these feelings.
She was so confused. She hated him with every ounce of her being... and yet, still wanted more than anything to be close to him.
Anger, Hate, compassion, jealousy, feelings of betrayal, the overwhelming desire to be near him... It was all too much... she couldn’t think straight.
The anger soon showed itself to be the dominant force within her as she found herself hurling accusations... questions... and threats... and an occasional slap in the face.
Nothing he said made it any better, or any clearer. So that as he walked away, having been unable to contend with all three of them (Claudia, Meram and herself) at once, she was perfectly content to see him go. A part of her hoping she would never see him again.
...Anything to not have to deal with all of this... with him... these feelings.
Then Merams voice cut through the fog in her mind.
“Go after 'im. Won' work less yer do”
Cora cussed loudly... overwhelmed by her emotions, she had lost sight of the plan. Mentally berating herself, she set off after him.
‘get a hold of yourself Cora... focus’
But it was no good. As soon as she got near him again, reason flew out the window.
The rest of the evening was a blur, almost as if she had become intoxicated, and couldn’t remember anything else from that point on... until waking in his arms a few moments ago.
Not really knowing why, she said the first thing that came to her.
“I know what I’m doing.”
The voice laughed heartily. ‘You know what your doing do you? Well its obvious what your doing... you’re giving up. A little sweet talking, he signs over his store to you, you’ve once again got someone to snuggle up against... and you loose all reasoning... completely give in.’
Cora seemed genuinely shocked at this. Carefully, so as not to wake Johe, she crawled out of bed and looked around the room... not entirely sure what she was looking for, but hoping something would jog her memory.
Putting on a robe she made her way across the room until something caught her eye. There it was, on the table next to the couch...
The deed to the store.
With HER name on it.
She picked it up, mouth wide open in astonishment, and read it over several times trying to make some sense of it.
‘Why would he do this?’ she thought.
The voice replied with a cynical tone of amusement. ‘Nothin like a good bribe, is there’
Cora put her hand to her forehead and grimaced as she tried to concentrate. Trying to recall something... anything.
‘Why would he have to bribe me?’
‘I don’t know... but it worked didn’t it? You played right into his hands.’
Then it added coldly. ‘He’s played you well from the beginning.’
Cora found she was getting angry again.
‘You know, I’m really starting to get tired of you.’
‘This is ME.
This is what I am.’
‘I want this!’
‘I tried it your way... the gods know I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it.
Call me weak and pathetic if you will, I don’t care. When I’m with Johe... everything...’
Cora let out a sigh.
‘...everything is all right.’
‘So instead of taking control of your destiny, you would rather give it up because you love him... a thing you denied the existence of just the other day, I might add.’
‘I never said I loved him.’
‘And I don’t really care if it exists or not.
If it does exist, I sure as hell don’t understand it.’
‘Maybe it is real...
Or maybe it isn’t.
It doesn’t really matter to me anymore.’
‘I don’t care if he truly loves me or not.
I don’t care if he loved, or even still loves any of the others.
All I know is that I want him.’
‘And he’s with me now...’
‘He chose me.’
‘So I’m going to hold on as long as I can.’
‘And what about the plan to find out the truth? Don’t you want to know what he is up to? Or are you just going to give up on that as well?’
Cora paused for a moment before answering defiantly.
‘...I don’t care about the truth.’
‘Liar!
You’re just afraid that it might ruin what you have. Might wake you up to the fact that Johe is much more than he pretends to be. That you might discover the truth behind why he is manipulating you.’
‘He is not manipulating me.’
‘Nonsense! He is so, and he is doing such a good job, that you can’t even see it. Even refuse to try to see it.’
‘...fine. We’ll go ahead with the plan... just to shut you up.’
With a smug tone the voice continued. ‘Hmm, yes, how very accommodating of you. But we both know you want answers as much as the others.’
The voice was right of course, there HAD to be answers.
...even if she didn’t like what they were.
The only problem now... was getting them.
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"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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The end of forever
Posted: 02 Jan 2006 04:52 AM |
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“Heya Zig”
Cora set a stack of meat pies on the counter in front of Zig, who’s eyes lit up immediately.
“I’ll be in the back”
Making her way into the back room, she dropped her pack on the floor... and out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of something purple... there on the desk, normally piled with papers... bills, legal documents, guyverin plans, maps, invoices, letters... that stack of papers had always been Johe’s realm. Even when he was around every day, they always seemed out of hand. What with him being away so much lately, it was a veritable mountain.
She walked forward and noticed the spot of purple was actually a small bunch of flowers. A wry smile crossed her face as she imagined they were his attempt to say sorry for being away so much.
“Well... it’s a start”
Then she reached the desk, eyes growing wide, noticing the ring that bound the flowers together. Carefully she picked up the flowers and slid the ring off.
“Johe...” She merely muttered his name softly, staring at the ring.
Suddenly her eyes changed focus, as she looked past the ring she held in her hands to see the letter that had been left under the flowers. Dropping the flowers, she picked it up, her eyes darted across the page as she began to read.
My Cora
I luvs ya an awlways will, but I gotsta go keep a promise, if’n I can, I’ll cum back. Tell Jubei an’ Tomi ta take cae uf tha guyvers
Luv Johe
It was as though time stopped dead.
She continued to stare at the page, the words written upon it now blurring into incomprehensible black smudges.
Despite the fact it said he’d come back if he could... she could feel it in her heart.
He was gone.
‘...it’s about time you were rid of him’
The cold familiar voice spoke, though she barely even noticed.
In an undertone it added... ‘a shame you weren’t able to do him in yourself though’
Cora felt her knees about to give and sat down heavily in the chair.
‘He’s gone,’ she thought.
‘He’s really... gone?’
‘Yes, Cora... he’s gone.’
‘Perhaps now you will be rid of this disease called love, once and for all!’
‘He’ll come back.’
‘...He said he loved me.’
‘No Cora. Can’t you see? It didn’t happen last time... and it won’t this time either. They all leave you in the end.
Alone...
With nothing but painful memories, and shattered dreams... broken promises’
She looked down at the page again, and read the words. “I gotsta go keep a promise.”
Just then she could hear Johe’s voice, as though from a dream.
“I’ll luv ya ferever”
‘...what about your promise to me johe?’
In a daze she set the ring down upon the desk, as the letter slipped out of her other hand to the floor. Picking up the flowers, she inhaled their aroma and smiled sadly.
Cora sat there is silence for hours, though, to her it seemed like moments, until the pain of knowing he would never again hold her in his arms, became a cold dull ache in her chest.
“I guess forever came and went”
She said the words aloud, but it was as though someone else had said them. Someone bitter... or perhaps just... detached.
‘you’re far better off this way’
Reluctantly she nodded in agreement. Her face emotionless.
It was over. She had held onto the dream as long as she could... only, somehow she thought it might have been longer.
There was nothing for it now.
With a cold, bitter voice she said softly, “goodbye Johe”
...and the last flicker of love within her went out.
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"I'm not closed-minded, you're just WRONG." - Bucky Katt
My characters n portraits |
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