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The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 15 May 2009 06:22 AM |
((DISCLAIMER: This is an ongoing bickering match between my Elven sorceror, Tulith Dy'nesseren (Tull), and Wicked Hampster's Human blackguard, Wilhelm Von'Drake (Will). This dialogue is actual IG interaction between our two characters, and will be relayed as accurately as I can relay it. Enjoy!))
EPISODE 1:
Tull: So! Let's see you dance!
Will: Excuse me?
Tull: You know, the dance! It's local custom! You fall off your horse, and you do a dance while singing a song and letting Brandibuck know that you're a filthy Midoran!
Will: I didn't fall off my horse, I just got a bit side-tracked.
Tull: Don't you lie to me, I -watched- you! You fell off your horse!
Will: No. I didn't.
Tull: You did! I was right behind you, and I saw you do it! I even sat on my horse giggling the rest of the trip over here!
Will: You would, you filthy Atalan!
Tull: Well, it was one of those things. I didn't really need to worry after it, because you're too much of a moron to know that you're supposed to die.
Will: I didn't fall off my horse! I saw some bandits, and I decided to make my way over there. I slaughtered them all and I looted their corpses.
Tull: Yep. Right after you fell off your horse.
Will: .......
Tull: Well?
Will: I'm not doing your stupid dance.
Tull: But it's custom!
Will: I don't have time for your silly customs or your pathetic fascinations with stupid Midorans.
Tull: It's not my fascination, it's custom! Besides, you're not the only oversized human to fall off his horse! Just the other day, I saw a pretty big guy in black and chrome armor trudge his way in here. He talked kinda funny, but there he was doing the dance and singing his song. I asked someone about that, they said it was custom.
Will: How about this. How about I take my blade and drive it through your gut. From there, I'll take my fist, and punch it through your skull. How would you like that?
Tull: ........ I'd really rather see you do the dance.
((Tull, at this point, makes himself invisible.))
Will: You know, you almost earned a bit of respect there. Come on, it's time to go.
((They begin walking.))
Will: Wuss. |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 16 May 2009 04:03 AM |
EPISODE 2:
Will: Where are you going?
Tull: Inside.
Will: Why?
Tull: I need a nap.
Will: Another one?! Gods, you're such a wuss!
Tull: I am. It's part of the reason I'm so effective.
Will: *throws Tull his customary irritated glare* What are you blathering about this time?
Tull: Well, think about it. You're an over-sized warrior, yes?
Will: What does that have to do with anything?
Tull: It's simple. You're the worker between the two of us. You do all the dirty work.
Will: Your point?
Tull: My point is that you don't need another warrior. I just sit here and..... augment you, yes, augment you when it's necessary.
Will: No, you just sit there and be a wuss.
Tull: Exactly! It's my wussiness that makes me so effective!
Will: You don't make a bit of sense.
Tull: Well, it's not exactly the most difficult leap of logic. Think of it. If I weren't a wuss, what would I be?
Will: I don't know. What would you be if you weren't such a wuss?
Tull: Well, I'd be the complete polar opposite of a wuss. Which would be you!
Will: Yea, and then maybe you'd be more useful.
Tull: Not so! We've already established that you don't need another one of you. Henceforth, my wussiness is what makes me useful!
Will: .......
Tull: What?
Will: You're an idiot. Hurry up and take your stupid nap. We have places to go.
((Tull naps, and off they go, back into the wild))
Will: Hey Tull.
Tull: Yes?
Will: You're a wuss. |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 18 May 2009 05:38 AM |
((Now, this one was great! StarryIce has been having a lot of fun with me and my cohort since our travels have begun, and I can't wait for the next one to come out! This time, we're in Buckshire. Will's using the tinkering tools. This one happened a while ago and may not be 100%, but I'm doing my best. Enjoy!))
EPISODE 3:
*Tull approaches Will under an Invisibility*
Tull: I need gold.
Will: Tull? Is that you?
Tull: Who else could it possibly be, running up behind you and telling you that he needs something?
Will: I was actually hoping you died.
Tull: Cute. I need gold.
Will: So go sell something, you idiot.
Tull: Not that kind of gold, you moron! I want to try my hand at making some daggers!
Will: Well, go ahead.
Tull: I need an escort! Don't forget, I'm a wuss.
Will: Believe me, I didn't forget.
((At this point, Oinstoin mutters something about hearing voices again.))
Tull: Hey! Oinstoin! I need molds! May I please puchase some?
((Oinstoin hits himself with a See Invis))
Oinstoin: Ah-HA! I knew I wasn't hearing voices!
Tull: Of course not! I've been here the whole time!
Oinstoin: ......Or am I halucinating....
Tull: No, you're not halucinating! I'm here in front of you, right now, telling you that I'd like to purchase some molds!
Oinstoin: Oh, really? And just how do I know that?! How do I know you're not a figment of my imagination?!
Tull: Because I'm telling you I'm- *takes a breath* Will, would you please tell him I'm here and that I'm real?
Will: *throws his customary irritated glare at the both of them* Oh, yea. This whiny, wussy, obnoxious little excuse for an elf is really here, sad as I am to say it.
Tull: *dryly* Thank you, Will.
Oinstoin: *to Will* Really? And how do I know that -you're- not a figment of my imagination?!
Will: *shrugs* Think whatever you want, old man, I could truly care less.
Tull: Yea, that's great and all, but it doesn't help me in the least, and dangnabit, I need molds!
((Oinstoin then shuffles his way over to the tinkering machine and drops a small mold and a shovel into it. One of those ugly, frightening magical effects occurs.))
Will: What in the hells was that?!
Oinstoin: This is how I make my stash! This'll make everything better.....
Will: You mean your moustache.
Oinstoin: No, I mean my stash-stash!
Will: Oh, this won't end well....
Tull: *to Will* Oh, go on over there and try some! I -dare- you!
((Will looks from Tull, to the machine, and back to Tull))
Will: If this ends badly, I'm going to kill you.
((Will then starts messing with the tinkering machine. Another frightening magical effect occurs, and now here we are faced with something labelled an Excrement Elemental Oinstoin shrieks like a little girl and promptly locks himself in his home.))
Tull: Oh dang....
Elemental: YES! I'M FREE! AFTER SO LONG, I'M FINALLY FREE!!!
Will: Yes. And now you're going to die.
Elemental: At your hand, puny man?! I think not!!
((The battle begins. No matter how hard Will hits it, no damage is landed. Tull tries magic, first augmenting Will, and then directly at the Elemental. Tull forgot to hit Will with a Clarity before tossing off a Fear spell. The monster is unaffected. Will, on the other hand, takes off running.))
Tull: Oh my....
Elemental: AAAHAHAHAHA! That's right! Run in fear, puny one!
((Tull then attempts a bit of offensive magic. One Magic Missile, coming up! The spell is cast, the missiles land, and of course, no damage is incurred. The Excrement Elemental then takes one step forward, lifts one oversized dookie-pile fist, and brings it down. Right on top of my tiny little elven sorceror. Someone's now out for the count.... Will comes back to reality. A bit of conversation ensues that I wasn't really paying attention to (Will edit later after further correspondence), and Will somehow manages to get close enough to grab Tull's corpse and drag him off to the Seven Sisters.))
Will: I need him healed.
Sister Mina: I'm sorry, just what is that smell?
Will: *points* Him. I need him healed.
Sister Mina: *sighs* Very well, let me see what I can do....
((Tull is now brought back into mortal being))
Will: *To Tull* You owe this woman your life.
Tull: *his face is blank with shock, but his eyes appear to be tearing up*
Will: Well?
Tull: ...... *quietly* Is this doo-doo all over me?
((Tull then goes running from the Seven Sisters, gagging and tripping over himself and his doo-doo covered robes. He crawls outside, promptly vomits, strips out of his robe, and goes running for the nearby waterfall.))
Will: *To Mina* How much do I owe you?
Sister Mina: Oh, you don't owe us anything, but we do take donations.
Will: *nods* Very well. How much should I donate?
Tull: *from outside* Water! Oh, yes! Clean, sweet water!
Sister Mina: However much you think his soul his worth.
Will: *glares* Woman, if you don't answer my question seriously, I will give you only one crown! How much do you people want?
Tull: *still outside* Oh, gods, it's in my HAIR!!!
Sister Mina: Talk to the sister in that room over there. She takes donations.
Will: *nods* Very well.
((Will makes a proper donation and joins up with Tull outside. Tull, having been stripped naked several times since he began here, kept an extra set of clothing in his pack.))
Will: What are you wearing?!
Tull: Well, the gentleman in Icy Vale said it was farmhands' clothing....
Will: You look like a barbarian on date night!
Tull: *sighs* It looked a lot less revealing before I put it on....
Will: Well, put something else on!
Tull: I don't have anything else.
Will: What about your robe?
Tull: I'll never wear that robe again.
Will: *shakes his head* You know, you're lucky that that walking waste-pile slapped you down as well as it did.
Tull: Oh, really? Why's that?
Will: Because if it hadn't, I'd do it right now. Come on. Let's go get cleaned up properly.
((They begin making their way to the bath house in Port.))
Will: You wuss.
((as one final point, I previewed this post before actually setting it. The site auto-corrects certain words, turning them into things like dang and dangnabit. These words were never actually said, and I wanted that point made before actually posting. He did, however, actually use the word 'doo-doo'. Fatherhood does terrible things to one's vocabulary. Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for the next episode!)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 18 May 2009 05:10 PM |
| ((Heh heh.)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 18 May 2009 09:19 PM |
| ((I could have sworn I threatened your life at least half a dozen times during that particular exchange... Wussy! *Breaks out in manical laughter*)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 24 May 2009 05:28 PM |
EPISODE 4, Part 1:
Will: Tull! dangnabit, how many times do I have to tell you to close the door behind yourself?!
Tull: Heh! Sorry about that, let me go ahead and get that....
Will: It's not hard, and I know you weren't raised in a barn!
Tull: No. No I wasn't. I was raised in a cave.
Will: .......
Tull: What?
Will: You were not.
Tull: Yes. I was.
Will: ....... *his jaw clenches and his face starts going a bit red*
((Yep. We all know that he's trying not to laugh.))
Will: You were raised in a cave.
Tull: I was.
Will: *his jaw clenches a bit tighter and his face goes a bit more red* Alright. If you insist. You were raised in a cave. So. Tell me about this Auntie of yours; the one you keep mentioning. Who was she, and what type of woman was she that she raised you in a cave?
Tull: *shrugs* Well, she was a goblin.
Will: ....... You're serious.
Tull: A wise friend of mine once said, "As serious as a fat woman rolling down the stairs".
Will: *laughs* Your friend sounds very wise, indeed.
Tull: *grins* I thought so.
Will: *takes a calming breath* Alright. So you were raised in a cave. By a goblin.
Tull: I was.
Will: How in the world did that happen?
Tull: Well, you see, it's like this. I was born to a family of wood elves. They belonged to a clan that lived in the deep, deep backwoods. Very little contact with the outside world. Very superstitious sorts, they were. When I was born, they took it as a bad omen.
Will: Why?
Tull: My hair. They thought I was possibly a hereditary throwback, that there might have been some Atalan in the bloodline. They called me bad luck and started working on ways to get rid of me. Nobody there had the heart to kill me themselves.
Will: It's a shame I didn't know anything about it back then. I would've come out there just to kill you myself, you filthy Atalan.
Tull: *dryly* Thanks.
Will: So how does your Auntie come into play here?
Tull: Well, it happened like this. The clan that I was born to, some of their warriors had cornered an Atalan scout. They told her that they wouldn't kill her if she took me away.
Will: Wait, what?
Tull: That's right. She was so dumbfounded by the entire situation that she sat there speechless until they delivered me to her. She took me and ran. Auntie found them discussing what to do with me. They'd come to the decision to kill me and leave me.
Will: Alright, wait. So a goblin finds a team of Atalan holding a child. They're about to kill it, and this little goblin does exactly what about it?
Tull: *matter of factly* Well, she stopped them.
Will: *incredulously* How?!
Tull: Magic.
Will: .......
Tull: What?
Will: Do you realize how ridiculous your story sounds?
Tull: Well, I can imagine so, but it's my story. Auntie was a shamaness. She had more magic than most I've met. It made her almost ageless. Her clan exiled her. She was unmarried and childless. She told me about it once. Said that there were no marriageable males in her clan worthy of her. She lived long enough to raise me.
Will: In a cave.
Tull: *nods* In a cave.
Will: So wait. If she was a caster powerful enough to scatter a team of Atalan scouts, then how come you're not? Why are you such a wuss?
Tull: *shrugs* She had a lot more practice than I did. Besides, I'm getting better. I get better every day. Even -you- have to admit that.
Will: *waves it off* Whatever. So. Say I choose to believe your story. It seems just a bit too fleshed out for me. Too detailed to be real. Just how do you explain that?
Tull: Well, Auntie fed me most of the details. The clan that I was born to gave me the rest.
Will: *staggers* Alright, how?!
Tull: Well, Auntie wasn't exactly kind or caring. In fact, she was very, very stern. Downright mean, even. I didn't exactly grow up in a loving-
Will: Cave? *grins*
Tull: *dryly* Quite. Well, as it happens, I'd had enough one day. I decided to go back to where my clan was and see if I had a family there. When I got there, I found the house that I was born in. People looked at me as if I were a ghost come to haunt. I didn't let it discourage me. I knocked on the door, and a young girl answered. Then a woman stepped into view behind her and began to scream. I let myself in, only to find a blade at my throat.
Will: Let me guess. Your mother and father.
Tull: *nods* Mhmm. The woman sat there sobbing. The man, he held the blade at my throat, told me that I wasn't welcome there and that he had no son. And, as I said, the clan no longer exists there.
Will: Really. How'd that happen, then?
Tull: Well, I simply lost it. I was hurt, enraged, and didn't care who got in my way. And when I finally came back to myself, the clan holding was nothing more than a smoking husk. Auntie found me afterwards and brought me home.
Will: To the cave.
Tull: *nods* To the cave. One of three bits of kindness she'd shown me in my time with her.
Will: So, she saved you from Atalan and brought you back when your clan rejected you a second time. What was the third?
Tull: *grins* She taught me to wield magic.
Will: *nods slowly* Well, maybe if you weren't a filthy Atalan, you would've come up a bit easier.
((And, of course, it's on now! Stay tuned for Part 2!)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 25 May 2009 07:53 AM |
| just read this entire thread and am loving it. what a fun read! keep 'em coming, please |
-Gnimini // gnomish wizard facinated with tailoring
-Mirg // young human ranger
-Dredger Hack'nchant // dwarven spellsword
-Hallelujah // gnomish singer and songwriter
-----------
"i just can't wait till this squirrel mating season is over, those bug |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 26 May 2009 09:26 PM |
((Hehe! Thank you very much! Again, I'm not 100% on all of this, I'm writing it out as best as I can remember it, and I -know- that this one's not completely accurate. Alright, let's see how it ended....))
EPISODE 4, Part 2:
Tull: Why does it have to end with speak of Atalan? Do you realize how easily you could get me attacked talking like that?
Will: I'm counting on it. Enough about that, though. How'd it go?
Tull: Hm?
Will: Don't play stu- Wait.... You're never -playing- stupid, you actually are. Alright. How'd it go with you and her?
Tull: Me and whom?
Will: *irritated glare* Now you're just being completely dense. You and that elven woman over in the water mill.
Tull: Oh, her! It went professionally. Very, very professionally.
Will: Is that right? How much did she cost?
Tull: Not like that, you moron! I mean she bandaged me, let me rest, and sent me on my way.
Will: Yea right.
Tull: Seriously! That's all that happened!
Will: And what about you and your "way with the ladies"?
Tull: I do have a very good way with the ladies. But consider how seriously a woman's going to take you once she just finished bandaging your parts. Besides, I'm fairly certain she's married.
Will: Didn't matter when I introduced you to Kalid.
((-The- pivotal factor in their relationship today, I might add.))
Tull: *nods* A filthy trick that I'll spend the rest of our time together making you pay for. Besides. I didn't know any better. I do now. But enough about -my- way with the ladies. Let's discuss yours.
Will: We'll do no such thing.
Tull: Oh, we certainly will! We'll begin with your approach. Tell me, how well has, "Ummm, you're hot, I'll see you later" worked for you in the past?
Will: *getting even more irritated* There is no need to discuss my approach to women.
Tull: Oh, but there is! I mean, that was the first bit of male instinct I've seen in you since we met! We run into beautiful women all the time! Not even a peep out of you more often than not! I mean, up until now, I've been allowing myself to believe that you're either completely inactive, or, well, deviant.
((Yep, that's right! For those of you that didn't quite catch it, the little guy just called the Blackguard gay!))
Will: .......
Tull: Well seriously! I mean, what's your stance on this?
Will: My stance on women is that they have three purposes. They warm your bed, make your breakfast, and clean your home before you toss them back where you found them.
Tull: Wow. Enlightened. I'm surprised you're not still married. Whatever happened with that, anyway?
Will: *abjectly angry* That's none of your concern! In fact, nothing I do with women is your concern, and we will not discuss this anymore!
Tull: *grinning* No seriously, I wanna know! Besides, there's always that woman out at Mystique to consider! You know, Honey! I mean, a woman like that, oh, all sorts of easy on the eyes! Cancels out two of your three steps, even! I'm certain she'd warm your bed right up! Not sure what she'd do about the breakfast thing, though.... But she has her own little shanty out there, so you don't have to bring her anywhere near your home!
Will: *even more angry* I will -not- waste my time with a mere human woman!
Tull: *laughs* Well, what then? Would you prefer a Hin?!
Will: *stands and shouts angrily* How in the world does something so small and insignificant manage to be so annoying and survive?! This conversation is OVER!!
((Will then reaches down, grabs Tull's chair with but one hand, and gives him a flying lesson. Tull's left there at the Icy Vale Inn, flat on his back, thinking nothing more than, "Oh dang..." Yea, there's a lot more to this second part of the conversation that I'm just not remembering, but I think I got the gist of it. I'm fairly certain that Wicked Hampster will agree. If not, he'll have me make the appropriate changes. Again, thank you all for reading, please continue to enjoy, and stay tuned for the next episode!)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 27 May 2009 07:39 PM |
((Yup, thats pretty much it. The way I remember it though, Tull had asked Will about this mysterious woman Will had mentioned once. Will responded with his typical fashion when asked a question about his personal life, kill something. In this case, the chair scrawny Tull just so happened to be sitting in.
*Stands back and re-reads the post* You know... I dont remember Will being so talkative, or his responses being so lengthy. Must be a Wussy wrote this. Yup. Must be. )) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 28 May 2009 02:17 AM |
((So here they are, our two heroes, wandering the land. We find them wandering aimlessly about, eventually making their way to Brandibuck.))
EPISODE 5:
Tull: Hey Will!
Will: *flatly* What?
Tull: *points out a female Hin* There's a cute one! Go get'er!
Will: *annoyed* Shut your mouth.
Tull: *grinning merrily* Would you like me to approach her for you?
Will: I won't tell you again.
Tull: Seriously! if you're shy, that's fine! I'll bring her over here for you!
Will: Keep it up, Tulip.
Tull: I'll lay out the groundwork, do the moving, all of it! Guarantee you, she'll be yours by the end of the afternoon!
Will: I guarantee -you-, by the end of the afternoon, your life will be forfeit if you keep this up.
Tull: *sighs* Fine. I'll leave you alone on the Hin thing. Still love to know about this mystery woman that you're harboring.
Will: We're not discussing that.
Tull: Of course not. I'll tell you what, though, if this is how you are about every female, It's going to be a true hassle to find you one.
Will: If you keep bugging me about her, I'm going to kill you.
Tull: *smiles* No you won't. You value me too much!
Will: If you truly believe- No. You are stupid enough to truly believe that, aren't you.... Well, go ahead and keep believing it. You'll find yourself surprised one day, I promise.
Tull: Well, I'd bet that if you introduced her to me, I could make her yours within hours!
Will: You're an ignorant fool.
Tull: Is that right? Well, if I'm the ignorant one, how come you haven't won your mystery woman yet? I don't even know her name! I'd bet you haven't approached her yet! When are you going to do that so I can meet her?
Will: You'll never meet her.
Tull: Oh, that's no way to be! For as much time as we spend in eachothers' comapny, you won't even bring her around? I'd love to see your true taste in women!
Will: *draws his double-sword* How about this. If you mention my 'mystery woman' one more time, I'm going to take this and drive it through your gut. Then, I'm going to take it and remove your head. How about that?
((Will, at this point, has the tip of his forward blade set just shy of Tull's throat. Tull grins and rests his chin on the flat of the blade.))
Tull: Oh yea? What's her name?
Will: ......... I hate you.
((By the way, I have, in past episodes, made Will more talkative than he normally is. Again, the IG dialogue happened a good bit ago, but I can remember a lot of Tull's one liners. I've been forced to add to Will's dialogue to make a lot of what I remember of Tull's part in the dialogue make sense. This time, however, no matter what he might say, with the exception of a few lines that I'd forgotten, he really was just that talkative! Eat it, Hampster! How's that for a wuss!)) |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 02 Jun 2009 05:43 PM |
((Hey everyone! Back for more. We're still in Brandibuck, different time, however. Seems our best stuff happens here, come to think of it.... Either way, there's a smoking wreckage of a gravesite not too far off from Ye Ole Hole in da ground. I never noticed it before! I'm sure it's been there for a good long while, but Tull finds Will standing in the middle of it, and, well.... Heh! Here it is.))
EPISODE 6:
Tull: What did you do?!
Will: You're nothing like Spike.
Tull: That's blatantly obvious and completely beside the point! What did you do?!
Will: You mean while you were off putting on your dress and curling your hair and taking your wussy nap? Nothing.
Tull: Don't you lie to me! This wasn't here when I left! What did you do?!
Will: *irritated glare* I didn't do this.
Tull: Of course not. Fresh smoking wreckage, angry, oversized human standing in the middle of it? You're right. I believe it. No possible way this could be your fault.
Will: *getting a bit angrier* I didn't do this.
Tull: Well, this wasn't here before I left! You're the only one here! What, are you trying to add more poor souls than Spike to your repertoire?!
Will: That's all over now, and how's that. I'm a perfectly normal necropheliac.
((I really have no idea what possessed him to say that, but say it he did....))
Tull: *incredulously* I don't care how many dead men you've been shacking up with! I want to know why you would do this!
Will: *turns* Come on. If you've finished your wussy business in the Inn, we've got places to go.
Tull: *heaves an exasperated sigh* If we don't get killed on our way out of here, I'll be amazed.
Will: I didn't do anything.
Tull: *looks around* Where are all the bodies that should be littering the ground? All that wreckage, I'm surprised nobody tried to stop you....
Will: There are no bodies. I didn't do anything. Now come on.
((And they begin walking south))
Will: Hey Tull.
Tull: What?
Will: You're an idiot. |
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Re: The Epic of the Brothers Moron
Posted: 02 Jun 2009 08:42 PM |
| Will: Yup, I still didnt do it, and you're still a Wuss. |
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