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DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 28 Jun 2006 06:04 PM |
Dear Susanna,
Let me start off by saying that I am a very open minded person. With that said, here is my problem: My son has fallen in love with a half-orc woman. I have not told anyone this for obvious reasons. Needless to say, this is a very large problem. If my husband ever found out my son would be disowned. More importantly, if this got out I would be the laughing stock of the knitting club. What can I ever do to stop this? I cannot have little half-orc babies running around.
Please Help,
Ugly Animal Stealing Son.
Dear UASS,
Fooling with young love is a slippery slope. I understand your feelings. Half-Orc’s have terrible table manners and their use of the common tongue is atrocious. With that said, I fear there is only one thing for you to do. If you forbid your son to see her I fear he might do it just to spite you. If you try to live with it, your house will begin to smell worse than a pigsty with half eaten carcasses lying all over the place. This is what you must do: Take a trip to the docks. Many shady low lifes frequent that area. Find yourself a particular low low-life and see if you can arrange for this half-orc woman to have an unfortunate accident.
Best of luck,
Susanna
Dear Susanna,
I am planning a wagon trip to visit relatives in Paws with my wife and two kids. We have hired protection and should make it with little problem. What I need to know is what to do with my two kids, ages 8 and 6. Listing to two screaming kids stuck in the back of a wagon for 4 days doesn’t sound very entertaining. It’s hard for me to swat at them while keeping my hands on the reigns. What ever can I do so my wife and I can keep our sanity??
Please Help,
Beating Ain’t Doing Please Assist
Dear BADPA,
Road trips can be fun as well as stressful. Looking back at them, you will cherish the together time with your family. But, young children can get on everyone’s nerves. Especially loud mouth ones like yours. My advice to you is what my mother did when I was a child. During your morning meal, before you break camp, slip some strong ale or hard spirits into your children’s morning milk. This will keep them sedate until the mid day meal when you can do the same again. Be careful though, giving your children too much will cause a big smelly mess in the wagon.
Safe Travels,
Susanna.
Please send your letter to the Port Royal Newspaper ((this post)) labeled Dear Susanna. Your letter will be included with sound advice in the next edition ((whenever I read it)). |
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Re: DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 29 Jun 2006 02:16 AM |
Dear Susanna,
I just keep getting cursed. Whether it's multiple personality disorders stuck on me by way of a loincloth, becoming someone's gardener, having my personal belongings moved, having orchids stolen out of my room or coming into the possession of nasty gems that everyone seems to want (it's mine by the way), there seems to be no way out for me. It's rare for me to find a sane moment. What should I do?
Please help me out,
The Wizard Formerly Known as DaraFrobozzastrixir. |
Luther McIath: I see, so [X is] the right person in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time.
[Fictrix] ... And can speak French, like both! Wait, I mean Elven. |
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Re: DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 29 Jun 2006 03:28 AM |
Dear Susanna
A few days ago I was charmed by a young elf named
kaltar Woodwalker. I found out yesterday that he was
already in a relationship with an elven Lass named
Annes'seh Kethora. We were both furious. I told him
to leave me alone, and forgave him. But this poor
Annes girl looks like she wants to jump a cliff. Is there
anything I could do to help her through this difficult time?
I dont know what to do.
-Violet |
-TimmiG
PC: Leanne "Lightning" Scarlett (Active)
PC: Violet Scarlett (Semi-Active)
PC: Crimson Scarlett (Semi-Active)
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Re: DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 29 Jun 2006 01:13 PM |
Dear Susanna,
I just keep getting cursed. Whether it's multiple personality disorders stuck on me by way of a loincloth, becoming someone's gardener, having my personal belongings moved, having orchids stolen out of my room or coming into the possession of nasty gems that everyone seems to want (it's mine by the way), there seems to be no way out for me. It's rare for me to find a sane moment. What should I do?
Please help me out,
The Wizard Formerly Known as DaraFrobozzastrixir.
Dear Formerly Known,
Life’s bad luck wand hits everyone now and again. To some it might seem that they get whacked more than their fair share. The wand just keeps bashing them again and again. Does this sound like you? In my life my bad luck wand happened to be my late husband who “unfortunately” perished in a horrific accident. He was crushed while fixing the wagon when I “accidentally” kicked the jack out. So, that’s how my wand was broken. How can we break yours? In my book, “It’s Tough Being A Wizard: A guide to living with the peons.” I explain how the best way for an established wizard to avoid many problems is twofold: One, maintaining a large tower with a little window at the top. By shutting yourself off from the rest of the little people you can keep your eyes on things that are important to you. Of course every now and again wandering fools might try to get in to your tower. This is where part two comes in. Maintaining an army of minions. These minions will help keep intruders out and serve your wizardry needs. Of course my book has many other useful suggestions for all levels of wizardry and I advise you and my readers to go out and purchase it. Now, after reading the book, gathering an army of minions, and constructing a tower still does not break that wand, then my advice to you is truly to become “Formerly Known”. As in, the tower is very high and you will never feel the impact if you fall headfirst.
Best Wishes,
Susanna
Dear Susanna
A few days ago I was charmed by a young elf named
kaltar Woodwalker. I found out yesterday that he was
already in a relationship with an elven Lass named
Annes'seh Kethora. We were both furious. I told him
to leave me alone, and forgave him. But this poor
Annes girl looks like she wants to jump a cliff. Is there
anything I could do to help her through this difficult time?
I dont know what to do.
-Violet
Dear V,
Ahh yes, the old love triangle. Rampaging across the lands destroying small farms and even kingdoms. I get many of these letters. I chose yours, V. In your letter you mentioned two others. A boy elf that we will call Woody and a girl elf that we will call Ahora. I have found that dealing with elves is always difficult. They love to be –very- over dramatic, so to say. Obviously this is due to their long life spans. Living for so long, things tend to get a little boring. They have to compensate for this boredom by making drama. I have found you cannot invite more then 3 elves to a dinner party at one time. They start to speak slowly, waving their arms about, talking about their mother and to stop killing weeds and trees and their precious deer. Anyway, I am getting off track here. It is obvious that both you and Ahora where hurt by this Woody. This Woody sounds like a hard one. Pounding your hearts to a wet sloppy mess. This Woody has to be stopped. My first suggestion is this. You and Ahora should beat this Woody to an inch of his life. Use it as a bonding experience between two new friends. Hunt him down and stop him before he strikes again. Teach him that a woman’s heart is nothing to be toyed with. You will find that the mutual beating of Woody will jell you and Ahora’s friendship. It might even open new pathways that you weren’t expecting, leading you down the road of new exploration.
There are Many Fish in the Sea,
Susanna
Thank you for your letters. I can’t wait for more to come. Please be on the look out for my new book, “Paladins: The Perfect Example of Good Table Manners”. |
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Re: DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 29 Jun 2006 09:30 PM |
Dear Susanna,
Girls. I just dont understand them. Flex some muscles, Sing a song, Steal some gold and the girls go wild. But talk about the beauty of casting a spell, or delving through old tomes for lost knowledge, discuss the theories of demonology, and they just turn away.
Please help me become a more dynamic individual so I can get the respect from women I so rightly deserve.
Wizard Introvert
Not Extroverted
Your Advice Should Suffice. |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
--
<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: DEAR SUSANNA ((Advice column in the Port Royal Newpaper))
Posted: 03 Jul 2006 10:35 AM |
Dear Susanna,
Girls. I just dont understand them. Flex some muscles, Sing a song, Steal some gold and the girls go wild. But talk about the beauty of casting a spell, or delving through old tomes for lost knowledge, discuss the theories of demonology, and they just turn away.
Please help me become a more dynamic individual so I can get the respect from women I so rightly deserve.
Wizard Introvert
Not Extroverted
Your Advice Should Suffice.
((OK, Just a warning on this one. THIS IS JUST A JOKE! I would never do such a thing and didn’t meeting my wife. I swear! I did not do this to meet my wife! *Begins to sweet*))
Dear WINEYASS,
[Moderators Note: I don't see in H in the signature - hey, I worked hard to get that spelling! get it right!][opps sorry. there.]
Constant Persistency. Of course MOST people know this as the title to my 2nd book. CONSTANT PERSISTENCY: How no means yes and yes means it is not worth it. Obviously, WINEYASS you did not read it. So this is your first problem. I will give you a brief synopsis of one of the techniques in the book knowing full well you will buy it. The following is known as the “Pity Attack”. Lets say you go to a bar to find a potential mate. Because everyone knows a bar is the best place to find one. When you first go in find the best looking woman. Probably a noblewoman with pale soft skin. Never farmhand women, they tend to be smelly and not shave the proper areas. The woman you choose will be the “Mark”. The Mark will always be with friends. Find the worst looking woman in this group of friends. Introduce yourself to this ugly woman. Immediately ask to buy her a drink. Ask her about herself. No matter what she says keep nodding. Always making sure the Mark is watching the interaction. Laugh when she tries to be funny and never stop asking questions. Next, you must corral the Mark between yourself the ugly one and the bar. Blocking potential men from stealing the Mark. This also forces her focus on your interaction with her friend. The Mark will eventually speak up. When she does immediately shift your attention to her. Ask if she is married. If she is, even better, this means she has married once and will again. Eventually, it will look like she is growing bored with you and make hints for you to leave. Ignore these hints; she is just trying to see if you are interested. After a while she will tell you to leave. Again, ignore this. At this point ask if you can kiss her. She will slap you, stab you, or pity you. The first is flirting while the stabbing might mean she is not interested. You might want to leave her alone if she draws blood but it’s your call. If she pities you this is a good sign. My book has detailed instructions what to do next. By the sound of your letter you desperately need to buy it. The pity technique is probably the only way you are going to meet women.
Good Luck, Its your only hope.
Susanna
Thanks for all your letters. Please keep them coming. |
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