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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 26 Jan 2006 12:21 PM |
Much neglected, suddenly my small book finds itself in use once more. I'm torn between being concise and pouring out paragraphs of feelings that will likely make no sense - I'll strive for something in between as both coldness and emotion are at play within me, a delicate dance akin to the warriors I have followed into battle in the past.
Firstly, the elven woman, as it was a curious meeting and I confess that it only added to my already confused emotions, almost certainly contributing to the events of later in the evening. I grew rapidly impatient of waiting, and having been told she had gone to the basement, I slipped quietly along the wall and into the lower portions of the Inn. She sat on the cushions, a pale and fragile creation. There was something curious about her arm, but her face held my attention more so I cannot say what it was. I observed her for a few minutes, before I stepped out and joined her on the cushions, her manner much the same as it had been outside. She stiffened, suddenly becoming what I would classify as fearful. Avoiding my eyes, my face, looking mostly to my feet. I assume that though the boots I wore that day are lovely, she was not interested much in my fashion.
I spoke to her, curious as to why she acted so timidly, and first I thought she would ignore me. Then, in a small voice, almost no voice at all, she introduced herself - A'mael En'manu. I knew the name, of course. I might even account for the actions, on that account. I pleasantly maintained a conversation, speaking of nothing much, trying to gage a reaction from her. Surely there must be something other than fear there....and sparks came once or twice, to my disappointment immediately replaced with near trembling meekness. The rest of the conversation I must say was extremely dissatisfying. The only other things she would say to me were "I know who you are", which I took to mean my affiliations given what Lucius revealed to me about the Raven, and "what do you want" which obviously by her tone was not an invitation to conversation. Lastly she came out with "they are waiting for you upstairs" which frankly must have been a bad bluff, counting on the idea that I was traveling in company or someone might be looking for me. I probed, but found nothing that would elicit any response but the fear, with a small spark now and again quickly doused. A small smile at the mention of Lucius worrying for her was the closest I came to the real woman. I grew bored and wandered off, observing again while she bandaged a hin. Then, tossing an arrow to the ground behind her, I left for more interesting things. I would have thought she'd have more substance, from what I'd heard.
I spent the evening pondering, melancholy, first with Juylina and Dorian, and then I sought to be alone. Frankly, I thought perhaps of finding Lucius, but at the same time I felt a vague uneasy sense of guilt about doing so. I ended up sitting outside of Port, the same spot I found him once before, looking at the walls of the city I call home most days and pondering what I'm doing. Alton, and then Sirac, each found me there and spoke to me. My uncertainty must be evident, because they both spoke of the same things...choices, happiness...what I want. I was touched that these men still felt friendship for me, still cared enough to try. At the same time, I can't help but wonder..why? What is their motivation? Simply friendship, or something more? Gratitude mingled with uneasiness as I spoke to each, and it seems only to have pushed me closer to the edge of uncertainty.
I wander on, still not knowing what course I will take. Even if I wanted to, I am certain in my heart that He will not simply let me go. And the thought remains...he's given me so much, why would I want to? For friendship, for love? For things I am not even sure I can have? Why would these people care for me, beyond what I might be able to give? And what can I give if I am hunted, besides ever present danger and strife? Do they care, or do they wish to see me fall for the deeds I have done? And what will befall me if I choose to leave? It's all too much right now...I go to try to rest. Perhaps it will be more clear tomorrow. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 27 Jan 2006 02:22 PM |
I spoke to Him yesterday. I didn't plan it, but He came to me while I sat and pondered. He sat with me, and...it was not what I expected. I didn't tell Him what I thought of doing, though I think he knows. We both acknowledged that He has heard many of my conversations, and I never know when He is watching so simply assume He is. I thought there would be anger, control..that He would threaten me. Instead, He showed concern, kindness, understanding...acceptance. It's left me wondering why it seemed so important that I leave Him, and I find myself dreading the thought of it. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, especially after speaking with Lucius.
I was in Aramani's, speaking with Naomi and holding an armful of dresses to try on for the Masquerade, when a pixie fluttered in and hovered in front of me, dropping a scroll to the top of the gowns. Naomi reacted badly - she started batting and shrieking at the thing like it was some sort of bug, toppling over onto me with her efforts and sending us all tumbling to the floor. The pixie, of course, was untouched, and dangled above us wondering why we were so silly. It took me some time to shoo her out the door and calm Naomi enough I could actually see what the letter contained. I returned the dresses and went out by the docks.
The letter contained a wilted flower and an expression of surprise at my own letter. It also contained news that in truth had me hard pressed not to travel immediately to the Four Winds and hunt that elven woman down. When I spoke to Lucius of her attempt on his life later, he begged me not to harm her. When I asked him why, he could only say that he didn't think she deserved it. It's no answer, of course, but I agreed...for now. If it happens again, I will in no uncertain terms put her in her place. I plan to do so soon, anyway, if only with a warning again to stay away from what is mine.
I met Lucius later that evening while I was retrieving some metal dye, and we went off to converse, mostly with me speaking incessantly while he watched me. Though the conversation about A'mael took some precedence, and my feelings about my Father. It's evident the man has no idea what it means for me, to follow Tarik, and I know not how to be more frank in warning him. At the end, I decided that perhaps I talk too much. I felt very uneasy in his presence, a guilt at enjoying being in his company, feeling his touch, coloring the entire evening. We shared some tender moments, but..it was difficult to me to overcome a feeling that perhaps he is not as naive as he seems...perhaps the paladin and the old woman have convinced him, finally, and he seeks to placate me in order to somehow keep my father from the other woman.
But these presumptions go nowhere. I'm weary of guessing, of trying to put it together. I'm simply not smart enough to make all the connections necessary. I'm left with these things - a father who loves me, friends who express their desire that I not follow Him, and a man that apparently doesn't care who I follow so long as I am beautiful and in his company. My life continues to be interesting. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 30 Jan 2006 11:26 AM |
Were I to be writing my epitaph right this moment, I think it would suffice with the words "exceedingly foolish". I do many things, and many of them I don't understand at all. And yet, it continues...I do not know that it can do anything else.
My conflict has been tearing at me of late, and despite the pleasantness and joy I've allowed myself to take in the company of Lucius, what I must do and who I am have weighed on me heavily. I found myself alternating between rage and despair - this is how Alton, and then Sirac, found me the other evening. Perhaps that is why in the hour immediately following Siracs departure from the Four Winds I wrote two notes. One to Lucius, trying to put my thoughts into words, and one to Sirac, which so frightened me to write at the time that I managed only two shaky words, in hand unrecognizable from my own. I could not bring myself to sign my name, in fear of Him finding out what I had done, and even as I left it for Sirac with Uwe I felt shame and guilt encompass me. Later the note would return to me in Icy Vale without a word. I felt it slipped into my pack on the way to find Dorian who had fallen. I've yet to find out what that means and it hardly matters. My precautions were foolish, as it turns out. Of course He knew what I had done, and we spoke of it later.
I know that much of this is surfacing because of my work with Lucius. What started out as a means to an end, the destruction of someone who acted out against my Father, has turned to something more for me. I dare not speak of it to anyone, nor really even to acknowledge it to myself - yet I write it here in the hopes of getting it down and leaving it be. I've said many things to Lucius, I've given him my secrets and treated him with affection, in an effort to win his trust so that when my opening comes I can take it. But the fact remains...I've never lied to him, never pretended the affection I feel or the things I tell him. I've never had to. And that scares me in many ways. I've allowed myself to get close to my prey, to care for them. To love him. I know I cannot have these things, I've known it for a long time. But somehow this weak human man has gotten under my defenses and I find myself regretting what I must do. I've found myself desperately wanting to leave behind my service to my Father and actually do this - be with him. Considering our exchanges and my feelings, I don't know what pains me more - the fact that I know he will die, or the fact that it will come by my hand.
As these things tore at my heart, my Father came in the form of a raven and requested my presence on the hill. I went with some trepidation, as my resolve to leave His service wavered and I did not know what He wanted of me. It turns out my trepidation was deserved, as He looked at me with such sadness and anguish it hurt me to see it, though the air crackled around Him with barely suppressed rage. It was difficult to see Him as my father in that moment, though the hurt he showed me softened the frightening rage I felt in him under the surface. I spoke to Him of the conflict I felt, not specifically (for I know He would never understand my feelings for Lucius), but more simply of how I hurt and questioned that I could continue on being what I am. In the end, He offered me sanctuary in the woods should I want it after my task is done, and stated that He could help me with my feelings if I wished it. He took my hand, and for the first time in many weeks I felt the uncertainty of my path disappear. The other feelings remain, but the anguish is diminished as I know that I can do nothing else. I'm grateful to Him for the small measure of peace among the tumult of other feelings.
Many other things have happened that I feel of import to write of - the falling of Dorian and consequent breaking of the woman paladin Ulalume, which in all honesty I thought would be more difficult; an exchange of feelings with Lucius that seems to have cemented our relationship; my resolve is strengthened in these things. The pain I am used to, and I will bear it until I can no longer do so. I can only hope that it might be soon. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 05 Feb 2006 03:30 PM |
I've left the writing of this to go too long, mostly because, whatever else has transpired since, it still haunts me. Let it go, I keep hearing - and I want to. It's just...such a large event, such an unlikely occurrence to be able to recover from, that I find my mind traveling to the edge of my awareness now and again, remembering.
Even now, I hardly know how to write it. When I speak of it, it boils down to three shocking words - I killed him. Harsh words for a harsh action, and after they come out I find I have a hard time moving forward with an explanation, for I can find no good one myself. For the act itself, or for what happened afterwards. I had to - a phrase that comes unbidden to my lips when I'm asked why. I had to...but I cannot explain that either. Perhaps there is no simple explanation, and I'm too much a fool to come up with the more complex one. And perhaps it just doesn't really matter.
It all boiled down to a choice at the end, an impossible choice that was impossible to make. I wanted to speak to him, to explain before I acted, to delay it...but when I came up the hill, and saw the raven in the tree, I lost any braveness I had, my resolve quickly fleeing in despair, and I struck before I could think, before I could completely give it up. Not doing it was not an option, though my heart and my mind tore at me to stop, to resist. I looked into his eyes, and my mind wanted two things - to take him in my arms and to see him lying dead. I chose poorly, as I often do, as my heart often leads me to. It's hard to say whether following that broken object nested inside my chest leads to more or less despair.
I chose to kill him, and then I was overwhelmed with an emptiness, a despair so complete it felt as if my soul had fled my body with the raven, both flying away together to leave me broken with my finished task. I don't remember exactly what happened - but I remember my fathers voice, at once harsh and loving, angry and caring...disappointed as I begged for the life of a man who tried three times to kill him. Professing my love for him, a human man, pleading for him to be given back. I should perhaps have left it be, have followed him there. But I did not, and he did come back.
Would that I never have to see those cold eyes again, the expression even and calm, as if...I were simply any woman. As if I were no one. I don't remember how it changed, why it changed. I don't remember much of the rest of that night at all, just blurs. My flight for refuge in Icy Vale, my shocked words to Connavar and Markus, the almost comedic confrontations back in Buckshire. None of it make sense, none of it connects in my head.
I know only this - love lives in me again, and I have stopped denying it. Stopped professing that I cannot have it, because it has defied me. I don't know where it will lead, but it cannot go anywhere close to the desperation of my past. Let it go...I can only be thankful, and move forward. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 22 Feb 2006 02:09 PM |
Control.
In retrospect, this is the thing I've been striving for most of my life. At least, since I entered the wider world. I never realized it, but it's come to my attention more and more recently. I didn't know what to expect when I left my Fathers service, and I think I've felt somewhat adrift since then. I've heard others speak of it before - the feeling as if you're set free in a vast ocean of choices, but none of them belong to you.
I've thrown myself into learning new skills, sharpening my meager skill in woodworking and enchanting to make my own arrows. They seem to be hard to find outside of Ferein, and I enjoy the repetition of the work, and the excuse to 'follow my feet' as Gasher used to say.
I've thrown myself into helping Lucius in his quest, mainly for enough gold to support his training, and frankly, I enjoyed it very much. At least, until our ill-fated trip to Maldovia to gain Black Cohosh gave a shove to my precariously balanced control. Everything went well, until Sylune fell. All three of us - Dorian, Lucius and I - rushed to her aid, as well as we could while caught at intervals among the tendrils of the creeper, or affected to paralyzation by it's poison. Even then, though it was a hard circumstance, carrying a fallen comrade to safety to be healed is certainly something that we'd all done before. Dorian was more than capable of the task, while Lucius and I led the way. At least, that is how it was supposed to happen.
The details of the rest - well, they are relatively unimportant. Dorian slipped while we ran, falling from the dock and into the water, and losing Sylune. If it were somewhere other than Maldovia, perhaps I would have paid more attention and known about the fall. Had I not relegated myself to traveling alone so long. Even had I been shadowing him unseen like so often before - but that isn't how it came about, and Dorian found Lucius and I preparing to search for them on the Great Plains. Dorian was determined, though he was injured and exhausted, to find Sylune, determined that we'd have to face that great dog and enter the castle again. He ran off almost as soon as he could walk again after the healing. I thought he made for the castle, and I followed as closely as I could, Lucius and I arguing vehemently against the action. It would do me well to remember Dorian is not a brash fool, though he is quick to action, headstrong and not given to explanation. I felt like an idiot as I threw admonitions at him, only to emerge from the swamp to the small hut that occupies a few of the sunbringers. He'd thought to go for help.
I was tired, and let relief wash over me as we entered the hut. I was concerned for Sylune still, but hopeful that these sunbringers might have a better plan. Such proved to be unnecessary, though, as we entered to find Sylune having tea. With Natika. I felt the blood run from my face, and...well. I can't altogether remember. I remember emotions flooding through me at the sight of her. I dont' recall ever having spoken to her, though I recall trading blows with her more than once, and the sight of her standing next to Count Valinor in the throne room...In that moment, she seemed to represent all I hated about Syn, and Maldovia. I backed into the corner and fought for..control. To hold back the tears, the shivering fear, the rage.
It grew ever more difficult as she had the audacity to offer us a tour. I was very vocal in my protestations, knowing that I did -not- want to enter that castle unless it was to kill what was there. Certainly not as a guest. I've seen what hospitality Syn offers, and I'd rather avoid it.
Dorian agreed with me, but Sylune, in her sweet way, just smiled at Natika and acted delighted to be invited along.
And Lucius. He acted like a child being offered an irresistable piece of candy. I thought if she asked he might scoop Natika up and carry her for the priveledge of the trip. We debated for a while, and finally Lucius came over to stand by me and said he'd trust in my judgement. In my emotional state, this served only to infuriate me further as the disappointment was evident on his face while he looked at me. Now, looking back, I know there is no way he could have known what I was feeling, the sheer terror the thought of accompanying Natika to the castle raised in me. But I felt trapped - I couldn't let him go alone, and in the end I knew that if we didn't do it then the offer might be made sometime when I wasn't there to come. Control. It's obvious there was little I could do, but I wanted to be there to do -something- if I could. Finally, I grabbed Lucius by the hand and dragged him forward, cateloguing the sites we might possibly see on our little tour and encouraging everyone to move along and get it over with. I imagine it must have looked odd, but I didn't know. I kept my eyes focused warily on the vampire. Even now, I know she wanted something from us, though I don't know if she's gotten it yet or not.
The rest of the trip I spent trying to maintain a precarious hold on what I was feeling. I don't remember much of what happened, I only remember that Dorian, good friend that he is, stayed by my side while Lucius followed Natika like a puppy, oohing and ahing over the sites. I hate myself for not being strong enough to have control enough over my emotions to simply walk through the place. I hate that I -needed- someone to encourage me through it, like a child. I hate that I resent Lucius for being so fascinated by the power and knowledge Syn's followers hold that if I'd dropped off the precipice I doubt he'd have noticed until later. Especially since I'm quite sure Natika wouldn't have pointed it out. Above all I hate that even now I'm unable - unwilling? - to express this to Lucius.
Why? That's a question that I thought I knew the answer to. The anger, the control - if I let myself feel the one, will I lose the other? Lucius grew angry when I said that to him. Said that my constant implication that I -could- kill him was insulting and as much of a threat as the one Dorian made to him. And he's right...at the most core level, it's not the anger, or the control, that stops me. It's the fear. I can complicate it to myself just as much as to others. I'm good at muddying the water with words, with all the extra things that surround and cushion an issue. But deep down, it comes to one thing. I'm terribly, terribly afraid. What that means for me, I'm not sure. But I know if I cannot overcome it, nothing will change. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 05 Mar 2006 10:01 AM |
| I am a weak fool. I don't know - I don't know anything, what to do, what to say. I sit here in the back of the Broken Mask because I couldn't think so far as anywhere else to go, so far as anything but just...being alone so I can cry. I don't want to be alone, I am so desperately, so completely afraid of it. I want someone to hold me. No, I want him to hold me, to comfort me, but I know I don't deserve it. I'm afraid, and I've pushed away the one person I would allow close enough to comfort me and I can't seem to let go of my fear of being hurt for long enough to tell him that all I want in this world is his arms around me. I watch myself while we talk like some outsider looking in, watch myself rigidly and methodically refusing to allow myself the things that would mend this. Watch myself denying the only thing that might mean something, but I feel so helpless to stop it. I feel like a child. I feel like a broken, worthless child. Now I'm only rambling and in danger of falling into the melancholy and self-pity that Dorian and I indulge in together, but..I feel so helpless. I want to go to him, to beg him to just hold me, but I don't. Instead I sit here and long for it, the fire my only company. I don't know what to do. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 11 Mar 2006 05:56 PM |
Moral Ambiguity. I'm not sure where the words came from. If they were something someone spoke to me once, while I sat in a haze of anger and fear, or perhaps just wine. Or if they are simply something that popped into my head while I searched for a way to define who I'd become. Wherever they came from, I think they are a good way to describe my state of mind, the thoughts that have led me to the apathy and frenzy of self-destruction that I find myself wallowing in of late. I find myself tempted to write of it in detail, to cleanse myself at length of the ways I've followed this path that says there is no right, or no wrong - only what we each choose. But that, I think, is just muddying the waters once more with words and self-pity. And really, if I pity myself for being the killer, feel sorry for myself because I became the evil in the world, how can I escape the pit of non-existance I find myself in now? I become like that I hate most in the world, in a way - the children of Syn, seeking blindly for a way to make emptiness of, at the least, my own very existance.
Do I know how to move forward, to believe again in right and wrong? Even further, to be able to see in myself someone who can do good, rather than evil? Even now, the words feel foreign on my tongue, and I find myself wanting to qualify them, to define them in better terms, more comfortable terms. Terms that mean I don't have to take a stand, don't have to exclude anyone, or call anyone wrong. I find it terribly hard to believe in myself, but if I can't I fear I will simply fall back into the same patterns as before. Moral Ambiguity - at this point, I can only push forward, as Dorian and I talked. Despite the pain and the fear, because those things are there anyway. Whether I stand still or push forward. So...I may as well try. Not a very resounding statement for starting on a new path, but at the moment I find it is all I can muster in the way of enthusiasm.
I've been spending time in Ferein for the last week or so, beginning to familiarize myself once more with elves, and their city that I never knew much of in the first place. Thinking, perhaps, to make it my city eventually. I've found myself mostly secluding myself in the secret garden, what I used to think of as the Mothers garden, though. To escape what I imagine must be the glances of the elves as I pass by, questioning, or hateful (though, all in all, most of this must be simply in my mind.) I found myself both surprised and not when Dorian asked if he could come to Ferein with me, ostensibly to spend time in the monastery, but in truth we have spent much of this time sitting in the garden talking perhaps more seriously than we ever have. Without the haze of alcohol or the distraction of the bustle of Port, the peacefullness of our surroundings seemed to loosen the tension we both carry. We came mostly to the conclusions I spoke of above, but..we also spoke a small amount of what else lies between us. The unspoken things, the things we both know are there but don't speak of. This would come up later, interestingly, between Lucius and myself. It's strange, sometimes, how things follow. I suppose that is why these things have stayed mostly unspoken - it's almost as if by speaking of them it brings them further into being. We've agreed, at the moment, that the fact that we know they exist, and acknowledging that we are important to one another is the extent to which it needs to be spoken.
Later I was to go to Icy Vale, to retrieve a book or two from my room, and find Lucius and Ana and Holace in the main room of the Mayors lodging house, much to my surprise. I had believed Lucius still to be studying at Ka'azim, though later he was to tell me that he had been hoping to see me. I'm not sure how, when I knew not where he was or that he was hoping for a visit. Things have been strained between us since we argued, more tentative than before. I want to do the right thing, I'm just...not quite sure what that is. We come together every now and again, and things seem...right. I enjoy spending time with him, speaking with him, when we can allow ourselves to be comfortable enough to do so. Otherwise we seem to be at opposite ends, tentatively moving around one another to avoid..something. Meeting every now and again on our seperate journeys. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
When we met last night, after the others had left, he asked me quite bluntly what my feelings for Dorian were. A list came wandering out of his mouth that I couldn't deny -I've known Dorian longer, spend most of my time with him, let him teach me and teach him in return, and seem to enjoy it. He had seen us, apparently, in the garden, and decided that we must have wanted to be alone. That, along with the fact that someone had asked him whether Dorian and I were together now, seem to have come together in his mind to suggest that we had moved our relationship forward. I couldn't deny any of these things, obviously, and told him that of course I had feelings for Dorian but I hadn't really thought much about it. It hasn't seemed to be prudent to do so, for many reasons that I just feel too tired to reiterate here. Suffice it to say that I simply told him what Dorian and I had decided earlier...our relationship is important to us. We mean something to one another, and that we see something of ourselves in the other. By believing the other one can be better, it somehow gives us hope for ourselves. All in all, I'm not really sure at this moment how I left things with Lucius. We embraced, we said we loved one another, we said we wanted to try to bridge the gap...and then he said he would see me again..sometime. And he left, and I will return to Ferein and my musings there. I haven't any more tears for it...I can only go forward with what I am doing, with finding something to believe in. The rest will simply have to fall into place, or not. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 19 Mar 2006 09:21 AM |
It has been too many days since I've written, and too much has come to pass. I know that I've put it off because, quite simply, I don't want to think about it. I want to ignore it, not accept the feelings or the reality. But I can't, and I sit now on my hill alone again, and find that I cannot rest as I said I would. So I pick up my book again, and hope that in writing some of these things down I can let go of them.
Lucius and I have parted for the final time. It is painful, and I spend most of my time avoiding the thoughts and feelings that accompany it. The first time I saw him after, I behaved like a child, locking myself into a room away from him when I felt I could take no more. Of course, he followed me, unlocking the door somehow and then standing over me as I sat on the floor, looking at me with no words. I don't suppose I gave him much of a chance, in fairness, as I paused a moment, then stood and left, going into another room close by. Dorian told me later that he had simply left afterwards without a word. I sought him out later, and we talked, but I'm afraid I no longer have it in me to try further to bridge those differences between us and open myself up to him again.
In addressing my current situation, I suppose I must address exactly how this came about. I wrote earlier that I had gone to Ferein and that Dorian was with me. After discussing these things with Lucius, and having him tell me that if I chose Dorian there would be 'no hard feelings' I returned to Ferein again to think. The situation weighed on me - Lucius was hurting, Dorian was hurting, I was hurting...though none of us would actually say anything. I finally saw Dorian in the shop in Ferein, and after some time I told him that it would probably be better for all of us if we simply stopped spending so much time together. In his typical stubborn fashion he then began to tell me all the ways it would be better for me, and that he would just go off 'somewhere' that he wouldn't tell me. I tried, gods know I tried, to get him to see that his life would be better, that he needed to try. In the end we were at the standstill we so often are. Exasperated with one another, and neither of us willing to give in. Finally, he said he had no more words, which didn't help me anticipate what came next. He took me by the shoulder, turned me around, and kissed me, then stormed out the door with a farewell.
Perhaps I should have left it at that. But my mind filled with visions of Dorian charging through gods know what, throwing himself at everything in his path without a care. So I put what had happened out of my mind, and I followed him. I caught up with him on the Great Plains, and we just sat without speaking for some time. As happens so often, neither of us were willing to speak of things, and finally I just told him I didn't want him to leave, not without some assurance that he would try to make his life better rather than throwing it away. Our conversation wasn't to continue, as we were interupted by the sight of Jessup dragging a terrified Willom through the plains, closely followed by a worried Iris. I stood quickly and followed, stopping them by the mysterious ghost of a monument on the Plains. Somehow I agreed to try to contact Byron and Blanche to meet with them, and after a bit of back and forth, and the arrival of Natalyia and Connavar and Fengus....well, the moment was seemingly lost. We spoke to the priests about what the monument was, and we sat vigil the night at which point Dorian went off to Brandibuck, ostensibly to meet the others. I thought it best to leave him at that point, and went to sit by the fire on the plains to ponder where I would go and what I would do next.
Lucius, in good spirits, found me there and we spoke for some time. I told him that I thought Dorian was going away, and couldn't hide how upset I was, but I also told him I didn't want to speak of it. It was probably a mistake, but...I couldn't see how the retelling of what had happened would do anything but hurt, and it didn't seem pertinent to the current situation anyway. Of course, just a few minutes later as we looked at the monument, Dorian walked past, and after some greetings simply told Lucius they needed to speak, with or without me. Suddenly I was nervous. After all, these men had threatened one another with harm before, and I had no idea what was to come. I couldn't have anticipated it. Once at the fire, Dorian simply blurted out that he had kissed me. Lucius turned red, told me he'd wished he'd heard it from me and fell silent. After some breif questioning by Dorian as to what Lucius intended to do about it, and my stunned silence trying to think of a way to clear the air between all of us and rid us of the heavy overlying silences of things we don't say, Lucius simply stood and told us that he hoped we'd be happy together.
It infuriated me, though mostly because it hurt me. If he cared so little in the first place, I don't see why he even bothered to try again. He'd already said he had intended to come to Ferein and give us his blessing once, and now he was eager to walk away again. I can't help but think that he was only too relieved to be rid of me, rid of the situation altogether. I was tired, I am tired, of struggling with it. If he doesn't want this, who am I to fight against it. I stood up, I asked what he wanted me to say to him...and he told me to just say goodbye. I left quickly then, before I could give in to any of the emotions that overcame me in the middle of the plains. He wanted me to go, I left. I made it as far as the cave before I could no longer see where I was going or keep my breath for walking, and that is where Dorian found me.
Much more happened, and has happened. I don't know what my situation is, completely, even now. With Dorian, with life, in general. I wander through each day, and spend most of it much the same as I always did. Dorian and I spend most of our time together, but that is no different than before. We speak more of the feelings between us, but we don't for the most part speak of them or act on them. I know I hold myself back, still, from it. I don't trust myself. But, still, I do allow myself to feel safe with him and can let go of the nagging worry and fear that before seemed ever present in my life. I can relax with Dorian, speak about anything, simply be who I am without worrying what he might think of it. It's enough.
I miss Lucius, which sounds like a horrible thing to say in light of what is between Dorian and I. I've spoken to him since, healed a bit of the rift I would hope, made it so we can try to be friends. With everything that we both are, what we want, what we dedicate ourselves to, it won't work, I know it. But I miss the simple moments between us when we were only two people who cared for one another, and I grieve for it's loss. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 24 Mar 2006 05:14 AM |
What odd times. I find myself once again on my small hill, after spending many days traveling almost continuosly, until I am near exhaustion and simply can't walk anymore. Yet still, this restlessness holds me, this need to walk, to fight, to do something. If I try to contain it, resist it...something happens that is difficult to explain. Zubeida felt the brunt of this in Brandibuck recently, as I'd been in the city for too long. She's so very...*words are scratched out, leaving a small blank space before continuing a couple of lines down*
I will just write here that the restlessness seems accompanied by a certain amount of aggression, which is triggered at times by an almost uncontrollable need to confront others.
I've done a great deal of crafting over this time, as mainly we've used gathering materials as an excuse to wander. Potion making is once more a hobby, along with other things that keep my hands and mind busy. Life, all in all, is very calm, and I feel content with what is in this moment. I spend a great deal of time with Dorian, and in between the small struggles with words, his companionship is invaluable to me. Even those squabbles we get into, the back and forth, is part of it. I know he will say what he thinks to me, without qualm. And when I hesitate, he knows, and demands that I speak as well. There is a growing comfort between us that is gratifying. I'm thankful to have him with me.
There are other things I will write of, my recent travels and my talk with Cedrych...but I fear I am too tired to go into it right now. Tomorrow, after I rest. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 24 Mar 2006 01:46 PM |
The thing that comes foremost in my mind now is a talk I had with Cedrych recently. I've spent a great deal of time lately indulging my interest in codes, with the events in Midor and the seeming influx of paladins with and without causes in and around Port Royale. I admire many of them greatly, and they seemed to genuinely enjoy discussing such things with me, tolerating my questions and musings with a great deal of grace, if some little frustration at times with my inability to simply accept "you just have to believe it" as a good reason.
With the speech given by Lady Lillian, there was a small group gathering afterwards, and it was decided that perhaps it might be interesting to sit down at McGillicutty's and discuss events. Sir Markus and Sir Cedrych and I went back and forth quite a bit, with Sir Holace contributing as well, though the subject gradually turned to justice. I seem to have a far different concept of this than the paladins, and the conversation got heated enough that Sir Cedrych hit the table, I'm assuming as a replacement for hitting me for being stubborn in my opinion and unable to concede his.
The core of the issue boiled down to whether it was better to arrest a murderer and submit them to trial, or simply kill them to prevent death. I realized during the discussion that I landed firmly on the side of killing them, and in the process, that I held the belief that I should have been killed for the deaths I had caused. At some point, I exited the discussion as it was growing far too heated and I simply needed a break. Sir Cedrych followed me outside, and we proceeded to discuss my revelation to myself, and then he suggested to me that perhaps in order to move on I needed to submit myself to judgement, to be tried. We went back and forth over some of the details for a time, and truthfully that evening it sounded like a viable option, though I fear it may have become something of a gap in what I thought was our growing friendship. In the end, I realized that to submit myself to judgement in this way was at least a mistake, and at worst a death sentence. I may as well march myself into Midor and present myself to Vidus for punishment, and quite bluntly I do not wish to die now. Ultimately, I don't feel that Midorans, ex- or otherwise, would judge me according to what I feel to be true. They are not my peers, they are so far different from me that I fear any decisions I have made would be put into the context of who or what they perceive me to be, rather than what I am. Sir Cedrych seemed to take offense, saying that they did not usually allow murderers and thieves to be judges (to which I must confess I took offense, to know that he thought such things of me, and it made me wonder whether we were friends at all or I was simply a 'project'). And then he seemed to be saddened at my decision, and I'm sorry for it. It hurts me that perhaps I will lose his kindness in my life, and the discussions that help me understand their world more. But I cannot be what I am not to save his sensibilities, and that is simply what must be. As Dorian said, submitting myself to judgement will not change what I have done. It won't help to have someone slap my hand and say "You've been naughty", and any punishment, up to and including death, will preclude any effort I might be able to make toward actually doing some good in the world. I wish that I could have overcome the gap with words that ironically seems this bards bane of late and convey that wish to Cedrych, but...it seemed that I was not capable of it.
Hopefully, I will see him again and be able to speak of other things with the same ease as before. I would miss it, if we could not. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 03 Jul 2007 01:58 PM |
This well-worn little book has weathered many things. I find myself confined to Port Royale for the moment, for the comfort of a friend, and for some reason with my evening wine decided to read back over what I've written in the past.
The beginning entries seem to me to be someone else completely. Who I was then, so very long ago it seems now, the girl who is lost to me forever...the woman I am now would find her not worth a second glance. The indecisive, quibbling nature, the obvious reluctance to make any choice while declaring loudly her own righteousness. So many things that could have been different if that weakness, that soft, frightened little bird, knew what claws existed within.
And now, the sparrow does know of her claws. She knows that it is possible to fight against forces much stronger than herself, not in naivety, but simply from necessity. Choose your battles...it's something that one finds in most stories of successful campaigns of heroes. Choose your battles, and then dedicate your whole being to success. Have complete confidence that you will succeed, and know that if not, it is a good day to die. Dorian used to say something similar to me.
I have walked through camps of battle-scarred warriors as they jibed and laughed, and cast lewd glances my way. I have sung to them of the past, of death and what lies beyond, of the softness of love and the boldness of battle. The hardness of their eyes is what makes them the most frightening, moreso even than their scars or the blood-stained weapons they carry.
The woman that I see now when I look in the mirror, when I am alone and not pretending, has those eyes. I can remember feeling hope, seeing life spread before me as calm, lovely moments interspersed with journey's to battle that would simply give me something to write my songs about. The girl who just knew that whatever happened, things would always be made right. But I no longer grieve for what became of her, I no longer wish to return to that which I was. Reading the words of my younger self, I felt nothing but annoyance for her helplessness, her dependance upon everyone else and her unwillingness to stand up and be strong on her own. She's dead, and I am glad.
I have spent much time in the Broken Mask of late, and met all manner of new people, and some that I have met before. Johe has returned to the city, and of all people I find it good to sit with him, to speak with him, though it seems that he has progressed far from the rash hin newly come into the world when I met him as we sought a way to find Elbereth's stolen Tears. Each time we stand to speak, it seems that some fresh batch of people come to ask him something, or relay some information to him. He seems to have a knack for bringing people together, and it makes me proud to call him my friend. Despite everything I've said I am, I do wish I could erase the pain that I see in his eyes, and the scars from his face that seem to trouble him so. In truth, I never see the scars, though he seems always to be aware of them.
There are other things that rest at the fore of my mind. My conversation with Shard that put me more at ease with myself through his insight and friendship. The little rabbit, who in truth I can't muster the desire to really pursue, but cannot also resolve myself to what I presume is her manipulation of those I care for. Sir Vike, who for some reason draws my attention and curiosity. The hin Ashe, who as well arouses my curiousity with his circumstance both known and hidden. It seems, as always, so much is happening. And each glass of wine I enjoy helps to dull it from my mind. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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