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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 19 Oct 2004 01:43 PM |
I'm becoming entirely too weary of this. I'm beside myself with anger, and the only thing I want to do is lash out at those who brought this into being. And Elrith..well, I can't blame her for being angry either. I can't imagine the pain of being beaten and mutilated while others stood by and watched in hate, or the type of person that would be cowardly enough to hire someone for the deed and ill-willed enough to want to see it done. They say the hunt is evil...this was a truly evil and malicious act.
Elrith is recovered, and that is well enough. We plan our hunt, but I feel that we are motivated and driven by the anger we both feel, manipulated by rage. Such petty and common criminals are hardly worthy of our attention, I think. They play with things they can't understand, and strike out because they are helpless in their fear. Even in this, they strike out using others more powerful and motivated than they are. While writing this, my emotions become more clear and I feel nothing but scorn for them. They lack strength, strength of character and of conviction. Whatever may come, I question whether they are even worth the effort to hunt. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 19 Oct 2004 01:51 PM |
| *shivers* |
Its easy clinging to your moral high ground when you have everything, try it when you have nothing left.
Cain Angus |
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 21 Oct 2004 10:25 AM |
I'm so very cold. I still have Luthers cloak, and I'm sitting here shivering. The temperatures in Icy Vale haven't affected me this much in a long while, but I think it's something more. Ever since that being touched me yesterday....It's presence was so strong, I got chills before it happened, and I knew I didn't want it to. I agreed to shake the hand of the man I called Shade, who said that if I didn't our bargain was ended. And then the shadow covered him, and I awoke feeling cold, ill and...well, emotionless. I thought it was due in part to what's happened over the course of the last couple of days, the dulling of my heart to the realization of all that has been my life for the last months. But the feelings return gradually, whatever the cause of their dulling.
And...I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even detail what has happened. I feel...and I suppose that is the biggest thing. I feel compassion once more, something other than rage and resentment bubbling within me. I can't explain it, what happened to me...First Bronwyn, her words running along cracks in the barriers I had so carefully constructed, the walls first meant to keep me strong so that I could do what I had to do. And then, those same walls holding in the corruption, the need to do what He wanted of me, to-I can hardly bear to say it- make him proud of me.
And then...then the other. I can't write much of it right now, it is too emotional for me to even bear. The thought of the things that I did, and the trust, the vows, I betrayed. He's right, I ignored my duty even when I thought I was doing it. I took what I wanted and ignored the rest...and what it led to is something I will have to deal with, and make up for. Pennance...it will be a long time before I am done with it. I can accept that, and I know that others may not trust me, cannot trust me. I must trust myself, because if I do not I am in danger of doing the same all over again. I refuse to fear anymore...death can be pennance, pain can be pennance...and if that is so, then perhaps it will come to that.
Luther has been a rock to me, and I am grateful for his friendship and his loyalty, as well as Bronwyn, who reached out to me in such love even when I scorned her. We shared so much...and I owe her greatly. Elvalia..I hope that she can trust me again, but I understand that she might not be able to. And Alarwen...Alarwen who kept telling me she would not give up. I am grateful and lucky to have such people in my life.
I sought out Byron, I said what I needed to say...the important things I left unsaid so long ago. I feel a certain closure with it, and I will not bother them again. They have enough pain of their own, I feel...I have wronged them enough that they are wary in my presence and I don't want to press them further. It is enough...it's more than I ever thought I would have the chance for again. And he will live on in my heart now, without so much regret and pain, but only the rememberance and knowledge of the feelings we shared. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 22 Oct 2004 07:10 AM |
| ((May I just say another PC said to me the other day that they thought you were the best RPer in Vives. Now I havent played that often with you recently but I always find you a pleasure to RP with and I always love to read your stories. I truly can see why that other PC said this. Thanks Trishy)) |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 22 Oct 2004 08:34 AM |
| ((Wow...considering where we are, I'll take that as a high compliment indeed. I really can't leave it at that, though. There are so many here I can't even begin to name that make this the best experience at exploring a story I've ever had. Look around you - I think you could say the same about most every player here ... )) |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 26 Oct 2004 11:31 AM |
I want to write about how I feel, but I'm not sure I know. I'm myself..I can tell that because I do feel. I'd forgotten how much I feel, sometimes. It seems to have come back over me like a wave, knocking me about relentlessly. And now...now I recognize the other feelings I have, I don't deny the anger and rage that I feel at times. It is as much a part of me as the love and the caring that I feel, and I can no longer hide from it. If nothing else, my previous choice has released me from the belief that I can exist without anger.
Still, so many things happen here. Vampires, again. Why must there always be vampires? I know it has something to do with the fact that Syn was released, so long ago now. Is he making his move? I feel like I must do something, fight it somehow...but I do not know how. I am gathering my resolve. I must conquer this fear, this helplessness, and return to Maldovia. For myself, and to determine how to best fight this.
Gukathul, the Mothers Tears...I swear I care so little for Gods except that I wish they would leave me be. I have been wounded, marked in some way, by the god of death, a tear in my stomach that will not seem to heal and that he can seemingly break open at will. He demands that I stop looking for the Tears...and of course I will not.
So many other things...I wander, in my thoughts and in my path. I vary from resolve to fear to pain to anger...and dare not let my thoughts dwell too much on any one thing. Sometimes I stop myself, hold myself back from the urge to follow the boy around, searching for signs of him. Sillyness...I let that go, it's not fair to anyone involved. I have too much to do.... |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 01 Nov 2004 04:48 PM |
Two of Elbereths Tears have been returned to their place. I admit my reluctance in the beginning to participate, and the reluctance only grew within my resolve as the events progressed. I never meant to travel with them to the Tears, to return them. I certainly did not intend to face Her myself. Yet...she spoke to me. I thought that she would reject me, would force me from her holy place. I have avoided traveling there for that reason. But she did not, she spoke to me. She called me her child yet, and admonished me that I still could travel that path.
Luther spoke true that Tarik has made me cynical. I fear I don't have it within me to believe without reserve in any one thing, in all circumstances. So many reasons, so many factors, play into each thing, each happening, that I don't think that absolutes can ever really exist. I am not sure yet whether I have found the balance in disbelieving and believing...and I realize now that I must watch myself not to become bitter with the experience, but learn from it and temper myself because of it. Am I wiser? Well, not wiser, perhaps, but stronger. Stronger and more aware of how much it is I do not know...
There are more things..I build stronger relationships now again, trying to lend my hand and help where I can. I have been traveling a good bit with Arcane, who I am thankful to for his complete acceptance of me without judgement, even when I tried my hardest to convince him not to. I am a silly woman sometimes, but now and again I realize it's so.
And the other...I sent Byron and Eliana away. I told them to go far, with anyone who they are known to care deeply for. To flee...for their own safety. I don't know what is happening, not exactly. I don't know, but I fear it. He never should have gone to Maldovia. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 01 Nov 2004 04:55 PM |
| ((*clap clap clap*)) |
Purpose in life: finding better ways of allowing players to kill themselves. Repeatedly.
--
"...Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good."
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<@James42> Lawful good isn't in your vocabulary, it's on your menu.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 02 Nov 2004 05:37 AM |
((ooc - flirting with a priestess of Gukathal is a very serious matter. *Tisk tisk* Friend Akril
lol
- Paul))
((I have never seen this post. When did I do that?
And thanks again Trishy (and for the nice PM)) |
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
Akril
Quinellieth. 20th Circle of the Order of the Ring |
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 08 Nov 2004 01:13 PM |
What I am going to write is uncertain, but my head is in such turmoil I feel I must try to organize what thoughts I have. The best way I know to do this is to write...and so I do. My emotions are uncertain and unpredictable anymore, it seems. I hardly know what I feel or think at any given moment, and that in itself is troublesome. I don't feel in control, of anything. And that is not acceptable. Though I hardly know what to do about it.
I could write of specific instances, but I don't know that it would be productive. Truly, it isn't the people and circumstances in my life that cause these feelings, and well I know it. They simply bring to my conscious mind, and to action, the things that trouble me. Perhaps I think too much about things, but it is something I have constantly been prone to do.
Byron...he was bitten by a vampire, and he was turned. I saw him rise, and Arcane and I fought him and felled him again. Bronwyn came, it's a blur from there, I think Balthor raised him and we helped him to the Inn in Brandibuck. I don't dare write of the things that transpired, and the conflicts in my mind and heart. We spoke once more last night, and tried to formulate a plan, but I wonder whether we can work together at all. I question, I feel upset and angry to the point that I know I argue to no good purpose. We throw comments back and forth to each other, and I wonder how much of it is mean spiritedness, or where it comes from. I resent him...I sit on my hands and fume because storming out is not option, though it is what I dearly want to do. That, or....well, that is to no purpose, either.
I don't dare....but it pains me to hold it inside, knowing there is no one I can consult, no one dear to me that I can speak to of it. I hold myself aside, partly because I have to, and partly because I am afraid. There are other things, other ways that I hold myself apart, and I question it as well. But...perhaps the fear is too great, and the past holds me in it's web so as to make it difficult for me to wade past the emotion and events that have led me to this point. I am stubborn, and well I know it. For better or for worse, I will go on. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 15 Nov 2004 10:44 AM |
Everyone is retired, gone to their rest, and I sit here and look into the fire. I've traveled much to Inns of late, Inns I had not entered in some time. Those that hold memories for me, pleasant and unpleasant. It seems to me that to travel to such places is to journey into the past, overlapping it with the present. Perhaps with the future as well, the new memories standing beside the old ones to weave into our tapestry. What complicated tapestries we make.
I feel somewhat detached from the events of past days, yet I wonder if I simply have detached myself of late and this is just my first noticing of it. I know that I have emotion, I can acknowledge that it is there. Yet...am I allowing myself to feel it? It's similar to the conversation with Arcane....I know there is something to say, to feel, but I don't feel able to give voice to it.
I apologized to Byron for my approach to him the other night. I came to him expecting a confrontation, perhaps even provoking one deliberately. His words struck home...I acted in anticipation of using force. I didn't ask, nor did I explain myself. I simply stated my intentions and my willingness to use strength to bring them about. It brings to mind many questions. When did I become a creature who's first instinct was to fight?
When did I become someone who rejects the caring of others, the offers of friendship and closeness, outright? I've set myself apart, anchored in the pain I hold close to me like a charm, refusing to put it down. I'm afraid...even of putting to parchment what it is I am afraid of. Caring, at the most. Caring, and losing. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 16 Nov 2004 12:39 PM |
I have so much intwined in my head, so much to put into words. I write it down, to try to make sense of it. To give it a coherence it doesn't seem to have in my mind. I feel at odds, with the world and with myself. There are two of me now, the hunter and the hunted....the strong and the vulnerable...and they do not coexist well. I feel like I am coming apart, and it must not happen. But...perhaps it must, to become wholly myself once more. I read back over my words, so many months ago, and my words from recently, and find it hard to reconcile them. I perform, singing my songs, and they take on new meaning for me. Meaning that they must have had before, meaning that tears at my heart.
To recent events, which serve to bring these issues to the fore...I appear to have been marked by a vampire. At first, I thought perhaps it was Loccard, as he came to me not so long ago, demanding answers I could not give him. Yet now, now this other comes to me...his bite burns upon me as he insists on my aid, as he insists that he will do what I have not been able to accomplish. That I must help him, or be turned myself. Even now, I press my hand against his mark and feel desperation and...and hope. Hope that he will kill Loccard for me, and then...then this mark will be removed from me, somehow. And now, more emotions cloud through. What will become of him? What will become of me? I know that to bargain with vampires is folly, but I am unsure what choice I have. I keep this close to me, and long for someone to confide in, to trust wholly that I can tell everything without reserve.
I accompanied Arcane to the temple yesterday, as he said he had business and I didn't want to be alone. Not after the confrontations with both synspawn. I sat in the corner and waited, listening...and then they called me over. Something within me changed, I felt...cornered, trapped. The priest spoke that he wanted to help me, to remove the mark. I don't trust him, though Arcane speaks vehemently that this Delucien can help me, can remove the mark. And then we can deal with what comes after....which brings up a whole other set of issues.
I feel at odds with myself. I cannot even put into words what I feel. I want to be Macha...not Macha the bard, or Macha the huntress, or Macha the strong. Just Macha, just the girl who loves, and sings, and cares - who doesn't have a guard to let down.
*many lines follow, words crossed out or smudged* |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 03 Dec 2004 02:20 PM |
I'm making what the old Macha would say are questionable choices, and I know it. But I've come to a realization. I am not the old Macha. And I cannot keep looking ahead, striving for the new version of what I once was. I cannot be...I cannot change what has happened to me, what my choices led to me. In giving myself freely to evil, something within me moved, opened something inside of me that I can't close again. I can't help but feel that the part of me that is strong, that goes on despite any circumstance, that takes action - that part is also ungiving, uncaring, unmovable in it's force. And the part of me that can care...that can love...that part is weak. That is the part that has led to so many things, so much pain, that could have been avoided.
I care, I still care. But I cannot allow that to rule me, to make my choices. The love I knew in the past lives within me, and I can go on with the knowledge that I had it. It remains, between us, and that will have to be enough. Other feelings, new feelings - I cannot take those chances. I can't fathom myself who and what I am...and I find myself holding back, keeping myself apart because I do not know what I will do, how to act, what to say. The part of myself that once gave in to that freely, that loved in that way, easily and joyfully...that part exists still, but it is given to something else. It is already taken, and I have no more to give to it.
As for the other things....my driving motivation is to kill Loccard. I have found that to me, that is worth whatever it takes, whatever I must do. I know that others would disagree...I don't care right now. People believe what they want to believe, they see in black and white. Not that I don't, but I can realize it. I know full well that I'm foolish, and willful, and headstrong...yet perhaps the realization is this. We all do what we do because of our own personal desires. Desires to help others, to be something more, to be loved...even simply to survive.
Is this vengeance for me? Oh, yes...I can admit it. I want him dead, I swore long ago that he would be repaid, and he has only given me more reason to fulfill that. I will not sit by and let him bring the game as he likes...I will act. He will be repaid, and I will repay him myself. Perhaps I become what I hated so much in this simple act. I've fought it for so long...I won't return to what I have been, to the one I was when I followed Tarik. But I can't deny it, either...in thought if not in action, I am one of his. I -want- this kill. I savor this hunt...and I will see it done. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 16 Dec 2004 10:11 PM |
It has been two weeks since I've written any words in my book. Two weeks in which it seems so much has happened, and not much has changed.
Tonight, we go to Maldovia.
I remember writing those same words once, long ago. Feeling what I feel now - determination, fear, anger, pain. I feel it again now. For those who go, and in memory of those who once went. Those who once stood beside me, who once risked everything to save him. What has become of them...they are all gone now. Everyone but me, and Bronwyn. I remember writing that I would come back changed, if I came back at all. I didn't know how true it was, when I wrote it. And I know that once again, I will go. And once again, I will come back changed. I cannot say how, I simply know it is true.
I feel like the eye of a storm, the emotions and events brewing around me and effecting me, yet inside of it all I but stand and watch. I cannot change it, I cannot yield to it...I simply watch and wait for my moment, knowing that when it is here I will know it, and I will know what to do with it. And then...then perhaps I will be free of this everlasting ache, this yearning to the pit of my soul for gods know what. Maybe then I will know. All I can do now is wait. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 21 Dec 2004 12:05 PM |
It is done. I stare at these words on my page, my mind still not grasping the fact that this thing, this circumstance, has taken up so much of my heart until now, is over. We have returned once again from Maldovia, but this time...this time we return triumphant. Loccard is dead...he will not rise again, will not inflict the horror, the terror that he inspired for so long. At least, that he inspired in me. He is dead...really and truly dead. Whatever comes now, that purpose is accomplished.
I have come back changed. Only time will tell in what way. But I can feel it. What I thought would be left as a hole is...different. I feel an emptiness, and there is sadness within it, and pain. That is true enough. But also...it is done. There is nothing left to do, nothing that compels me as the hauntings from my past. And in my release of him, I feel released myself. Sadness, yes. Rememberence...I will always remember. But it is done...there is nothing left to do. What needed to be said was said, what was left undone has been accomplished.
And now...I do not know what will come next. But I know this...whatever it is, I will face it. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 06 Jan 2005 12:33 AM |
I feel compelled once more to put words to the page, though I know that words can never accurately convey what we hold in our minds and our hearts. I wonder sometimes if even we can grasp the complexity of the world in which we live, and the people that are here with us. Much has happened, but still I feel a sense of peace within myself. For whatever it is that happens, I know that it will pass.
I have to admit here that I am filled with wonder at the complexity of the things that are at work within me. I am learning to reconcile the darkness I feel within me, knowing that it is there, and it is mine. But also, there is still light, compassion, love. I have all these things, and they are not placed upon me by an outside hand, even when I have felt manipulated and molded it was only what was there that could have been used. What I am, I am, with or without the influences that exist outside of me. And only within myself can I find the peace within that, the ability to accept all that I am, and use it.
And to the complexity of love I must now turn my pen, though hardly knowing what to write. Charm, poetry, grace...yet tempered with a gleam of the darkness I feel within myself. All these things compel me to his side, keep me entranced and wondering at each of us. I was drawn to him from the first, even as he seemed to approach the edge of the wall I had set up again and again, each time moving back before I felt the need to push him away. Each time fanning my curiousity and emotion more, and instead of pushing him away I sought him. Perhaps I see myself in the mirror of his eyes...perhaps I only wish to. I only know that I am caught in the web he cast, knowing or not, and I do not struggle.
And Johe, dearest friend..the first to win so much of my trust in so long. He is deeply in my heart, dear to me in ways I am not even sure he knows and that I cannot convey to him. I didn't know, I didn't realize...and perhaps it is only my tendency to only see what I wish to be so. But I fear that in loving him as I do, but not as he needs, I will lose what is precious between us. Yet...I cannot betray myself, or him, by forgetting our promise to tell one another truth in all things. And I never was a good liar, in any case.
Everything else...everything else seems so far away. I care, but I am not bound by the feeling of desperation, of urgency, that once held me in its sway as one after another the situations that connect our lives rushed to the fore. I make my way, I try to remember to live. The other things will come to pass, and I will lend myself to them as I may. One thing has become my solace, my soft words to myself in the darkness of rest, the song that lulls me when it seems I will once again be taken over by my emotions...
I am what I am. What is, is. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 20 Jan 2005 09:26 PM |
I've been thinking often lately...so often, of so many things. Pennance. It is one thing I wrote of so often in the time after I renounced Tarik. Truthfully, when I renounced what I became when first I gave myself to him in desperation. I was driven then. Driven by guilt, by remorse, by regret, by pain and longing and so many things I am not sure I can put a name to. Perhaps I will always be driven by these things. As I told someone recently, I am a woman of dramatic gestures. I look now at the words I wrote, and I wonder how long I will hold myself to them. I wonder how long I will feel I owe this pennance, how long I will isolate myself and live in memories of those things that were most precious to me, those things and those people who simply no longer exist. In my selfish heart, I wonder if I have given enough of myself to causes, to others, to what I thought was right...or do I owe more?
I have begun to allow myself to hold some things, some people, dear to me again. As close to my heart as I have allowed anyone since...well, in a long while. Once I spoke the words to someone that no one of us is important in the greater fight against evil, that I would not place any one life, however precious to me, above that. I know with certainty that it is not true of me now. I would fight to the death, not for good, not for justice...but for those I hold in my heart. For them, because that is the only thing that matters. And if they were taken from me, I know that I would not do pennance, and I would not grieve and hide. No, I would seek out what took them and repay it in whatever way I could. I am changed, but I no longer grieve what I was. I turn to the future, and to the path that is laid before me.
I accept now who I am, and what lies within me. I will no longer deny it, I will embrace it and use it, allow it to give me strength and purpose. I am my father's child, it is true. It is not all that I am, and all that I am is not a Huntress. But it is there...a part of me, and I cannot deny it. I will not give in to fear, or rage...I will temper it with what else I carry in my heart. And I will be what I am. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 26 Oct 2005 02:23 PM |
I emerge from my time in the woods to find many things different. Perhaps it is that I held myself in isolation for so long, or perhaps things have truly changed but I find that I do not feel so much a part of this world. I stand apart, and I watch. It is no longer, as I said to Johe once, that I can't bring myself to care. No, it seems that it doesn't matter whether I care or not. These things, these people, they have little or nothing to do with me...yet I stand apart, and I watch, and occassionally I throw a small stone into things to watch what ripples it makes.
Since I have been back, Sinjin has returned from his meditations. It is with an interesting mix of emotions that I greet this event. I am glad to have him back, and yet find myself holding back from him. I know why, yet despite how I have changed it is still something I hoped for for so long that I cannot keep from welcoming it. For his part, though he knows little of what I've become in his absence I feel he knows more than he says. As always, he watches, he listens, but he speaks little of it and after our initial meeting nor do I. Even after the happening with the girl, he said nothing, asked me no questions about why I was there or what my role was. Perhaps it will always be this way, perhaps not. Only time will tell...
I see many adventurers in the lands now, people who are obviously those who seek their fortune, or pursue their dreams outside the realm of the every day. One in particular seems to have caught my attention, though I cannot say precisely why. I came across her again, this time speaking with a woman with a flaming scythe, and unseen I listened to their conversation. The first time I met her, she was abrasive, full of bravado and challenge, almost acting as if she meant to offend...in this instance, she was meek, and I could almost smell her fear. Certainly it was evident to watch, and even when the woman left she continued to speak to herself as one would speak to calm a small child. She moved as if pursued to Port Royale, where I emerged from the shadows to speak with her for a time.
Perhaps she draws my attention because she is a half-blood, and quite evidently holds resentment of it. I remember well those feelings, though in speaking with her it's obvious she is far different than I was then. I see weakness in her, as I said to her...but there is strength there as well. Perhaps I will see more of the woman...perhaps she will see more of me. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 28 Oct 2005 09:37 PM |
It seems that happenings in my life come all at once...peace and calm for a time and then great eventfulness. Not more than a week it's been since Sinjin returns than another shows up as well. His face is greatly scarred, so much so that it took me a moment to recognize him. I followed him around Port Royale for some time when I saw him, the familiarity of his gait catching my attention though the look of him was different. It didn't take me long to place his gestures nor his melacholy, though I let him believe for a time that I didn't know him. I'm not sure why..perhaps I simply wanted to watch his reaction. Perhaps it was more than that. Father cautions me, and though I see no threat I know it's best to heed his words. Again today while speaking idly with some others in Port I felt the warning...mayhap it would be best to leave Port Royale for a while.
I spoke with the half-blood again today, and while I did Elvalia made herself known and joined our conversation. Apparently the girl went to Ferein and drew the conclusion that elves were simply long-lived humans. Somehow within the realms of conversation the topic was turned to Tariks followers, and in turn why they did not hunt me. It seemed to instill a great deal of fear into the girl, and where she had begun to be pleasant to me suddenly she had other places to be. She was rather abrupt in her departure, though she expressed confidence in her ability to evade being hunted by anyone. I'll be interested to see where her choices lead her, this girl.
I believe I'll take my rest within the palace walls tonight, and venture out tomorrow. Strangely enough, I've missed this city in my travels. It's only nostalgia, I imagine. I indulge that far too often. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 27 Nov 2005 05:46 PM |
I found myself back in Port Royale yesterday, and once again felt it very difficult to leave. I find myself craving the company of others lately, and each time I resolve to stay out of the city I do so while traveling back to that very place. What convoluted paths my mind does travel.
I spoke for quite some time in the Black Pearl to the halfling named Tomi, our conversation eventually turning to subjects I still find troubling. During the course of our conversation, I felt my anger begin to grow and I became very upset. It was unsettling, the realization that my sense of calm still may be so easily displaced. Tomi himself spoke with the words of one confident of their actions in any situation, whether they have been faced with it or not. I remember myself at such a time...the words I spoke to Calia once, that no one of us is of consequence in the greater fight against evil. Now such idealism grates against me, as the road is not so clear and wide as it would seem. Tomi spoke that it was often far simpler than people make it, but we let the argument go. Some things cannot be conveyed with words.
While on my way out of Port Royale, I came upon Byron for the first time in a long time. It was fairly odd, as his name had come up in my previous conversation. We spoke quite pleasantly, and he invited me to travel with him to Ladriel after I expressed my inability to get out of Port Royale due to the fact that I simply can't pass up an opportunity to speak to people. I should have turned him down, and I knew it at the time. I almost did tell him no, so that I could then follow him unnoticed, see what he was about. But I accepted, and traveled with him there.
He has set up a house there, and apparently is having a play written about his life. I sat in their house, observing them, listening to them speak. The way they all looked at one another, and interacted...and finally I had to leave. I said to Byron that I had found a place in myself that accepted what I am, but then I found it wasn't entirely true. Watching them, I see something I still want though I can't have it. Something I had thought I had come to peace with, realized that it could not belong to me. Curse them for being so content, for their little family.
I wander Ladriel now, though I think it's wise to head into the woods again for a time. Yes, I think it would be wise to take myself away for a while. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 02 Jan 2006 09:42 PM |
My poor little unused journal...my musings so often go on only in my head anymore. Though once again today I feel the desire to see things more clearly. Writing them down always did make some things more obvious to me.
There are many things of interest I could write about, though one that captures my attention and once again I wonder about myself. Perhaps I write about these events to convince myself I am one way or the other...but now I begin to write like I speak, in circles. I met a group of adventurers outside of the Inn in Buckshire, and after a time of leisure and conversation, the group decided that they would travel into the Buckshire Woods (where the centaurs dwell). Something about the group caught my interest, though I'm not sure what it was. One human man played a lute while we spoke, the woman had an elven look about her, the other man a bit gruff....I cannot say what it was, but I followed them as I so often do lately. To see what they did, hear their words to one another.
I lagged behind a bit, wandering my usual path in those woods, and when I came back across the group found they were in the process of being overwhelmed in numbers of the centaurs. One of the men in particular (I believe it was the musician), had fallen face down, with the woman standing over him in horror. Without thinking I found myself caught up in the heat of battle, as long ago when I was a part of such groups myself, groups of friends seeking adventure together. I went up to the fallen man, forgetting completely I had cast a spell of invisibility on myself. I heard the woman exclaim in surprise as she felt me brush past her, then looked up to see the other man, bleeding in several places, running for his life. By rote, I drew my bow and fired at his attacker, pleased when my arrow hit it's mark and dripped it's acid down his neck, hissing in his blood. Three of the centaurs then turned their attention to me, and I gave into the pleasure of the kill, switching bow for spear and dispatching them. When I returned to where the man had fallen, the group was gone, apparently taking my interference as an opportunity to leave. Myself, I went to rest under my tree, and think on my actions. I do surprise myself sometimes.
Virallax has returned - the man who kidnapped me, claiming it to be nothing personal. I take exception to that...he acted against my will. It is personal in my eyes. Of course, he and his group are interested only in taking possession of the Port - possession they see firmly in the hands of the Black Hand. I am making inquiries, listening for what I might hear. I am also to speak with Jessup when I may. I am dearly hoping to have my chance at this one - this man they call Breathstealer.
Lightly, Juylina (ever a source of entertainment for me, as she sees my endless flattery of her at face value) has spoken to me and another woman, a performer by the name of Sylune, about opening a clothing store in Port Royale. It seems at once both frivolous and appealing - I do enjoy dressing well and our little amusing encounters with teaching the art to the inept multitudes, and it could be good to have a personal space in Port Royale. I do not know what the eyes of the Queen bring to her, but she may not always tolerate my presence and position within her court, despite anything she has said to me in the past. We shall see, as I am writing a request to use the courtyard once more for a performance, or perhaps the gardens. I await only the solidification of a good date with Sylune, who I've asked to perform then as well so that she may begin to make a name for herself.
Lastly the paladins, only a breif note. There seem to be an influx of paladins lately, perhaps due to the winter celebrations. I find it interesting, and am quite enjoying watching their actions. Perhaps soon one will prove worthy of more active attention, as time permits. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 11 Jan 2006 12:02 PM |
Something very curious, and perhaps a bit frustrating, occurred yesterday. I was in the process of leaving to go mining with Tomi, Dorian, and Nataylia. Natalyia had just gone to try on the red leather outfit I designed for her (very striking) when I heard a voice clear behind me. Turning slowly, I was faced with that man - Virallax. To say the least, I was surprised. He asked to speak to me privately a moment, so I asked the others to simply meet me in the mountains and took him to my tree. To my surprise, he meant to apologize and offer me recompense for abducting me that long ago. The curious bit was his manner - he seemed very nervous, not at all exuding the confidence he had the last time we met. He does speak very well, and offered to "stop the breathing" of anyone I'd choose to compensate for his actions, and then asked for assurance that I accepted his apology when I declined that offer. I intended to ask after our mutual acquaintance, and the bargain we had discussed, anticipating that perhaps this was my opportunity to secure my learning. But as soon as he had assurance of my acceptance, he waved a hand in an intricate gesture and disappeared. Perhaps I should offer him a class in manners, particularly the one that says a conversation holds two participants....At any rate, I do think the group will be in Port often enough at this point, though my position for bargaining is somewhat weakened in my eyes.
People continue to have those visions, which, while they do not bother me overly much, remind me of the wave of emotion I felt the first time I witnessed that elven woman having one. I can say that I'm looking forward to the time that this is done, as it's difficult to avoid and I don't particularly care for the feelings it leaves me with.
Otherwise I've been seeking companionship as it's grown a bit tedious to sit around alone, and I do enjoy company. Some of my efforts have gone better than others, however, as I've found some don't find my presence agreeable as others. And some find it agreeable in some instances and flee me the next, which is mildly irritating. I have learned some interesting tidbits here and there, and Tomi and Lucius have asked that we dress them to impress. They whispered in one anothers ear so much the other evening that it was quite obvious who they wished to impress.
I'm also deliberating on making my own arrows, not being able to find the satisfactory style I require outside of Ferein, where I would prefer not to make the great effort to go for such a thing. Dorian mined some iron for me for the arrow heads, but then became very disagreeable after Tomi's vision and I went off hunting before I could make arrangements. Perhaps he'll be a bit more himself the next time we meet. I've also designed one outfit as mentioned previously, and am commissioned to make two more for Natalyia. It's quite different than being commissioned to write a specific song (which has also happened recently, sort of), but I'm enjoying the change as I do like to sew and create.
Lastly, I've been asked to sing at Queen Aquinas' daughters coming out party. Though I don't know the Princess, it seems appropriate to me that she should have a song of her own so it is another project I'm working on. Between the aforementioned activities, and all the parties, I've been pleasantly occupied lately. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 23 Jan 2006 09:37 PM |
It has been a mostly pleasant couple of days. Truthfully, the most pleasant I've had in quite some time, despite some occassions where I fear I let my emotions get the better of me. I believe that the fact I have been in company and alone in balance has been good for me.
Of course, there are some whose company I enjoy more than others. Sylune, whom I've spent time with off and on, is always pleasant to speak with and I do like to hear her sing. It's nice to hear another beautiful voice, and her creations in song are a nice change from my own. She is a sweet-natured creature, but not offensively so. Juylina, also, I've been spending a lot of time with. To my surprise I have gone from spending time and speaking with her in order to subtly taunt her with my compliance and insults couched in praise, to genuinely enjoying her company. I think the only one who's friendship surprises me more is Fri'els.
I also seem to be drawn to human men lately, to my slight consternation. I tell myself it is only because their nature intrigues me, and that they do tend to be useful. Though admittedly the above-mentioned times when my emotions took a life of their own was during my interactions with one of them. Dorian doesn't try me in this way - he is very matter of fact and easy to speak with, and any opinions I have been able to get him to share with me (as he does tend to be reserved in speaking his personal views) have been interesting and thought-provoking rather than the usual opinions of sheep. I enjoy his company greatly, as I feel no need to couch myself in distance generally. Of course, this has resulted at least twice in a lowering of my restraint to the extent that I drank far too much wine and perhaps said things I should not have said. I've since decided to reinstate my previous policy of not drinking at all.
Interestingly, I was present during a small ritual Juylina did for him. The man was greatly scarred, I assume due to his profession as a warrior-for-hire. I'm not sure how it came about, but Juylina performed a ceremony that swept the scars from his body. I'm certain it was painful, as she laid him open with some greivous cuts. Those were healed as well in the ceremony, and he emerged with skin as smooth as mine. He seemed very pleased with the result, and I have to say I'm not displeased myself.
The other man, Lucius, admittedly seems at first glance to be completely uninteresting. A typical human man, absorbed in the daily business of their short lives. I began following him simply because I noted he spent time in the company of Ulalume, a female paladin, and Radra, an elven woman of abrasive tongue. These two interested me to a degree, and I set about learning more of them in the idea that at least the paladin might be worth closer dealings. Since then I've spent quite a bit of time in his company, finding his manner alternately offensive and interesting, and of late even endearing. To my surprise, I find that I seek him out to speak to him rather than my usual motives. We've had several very in depth conversations, actually, and it's led me to some conclusions of my own. The man expresses a greater interest in me than I should perhaps allow, but I find myself reluctant to send him on his way. Indeed, reading over what I've written I know there is as much unacknowledged as there is in the formality of my speech, designed to keep people at a distance. Necessary, but at times I find myself regretting it.
Of myself, and my feelings, the previous weeks worth of emotions has been distressing. I found myself actually crying in the Broken Mask after being glared at with hatred by the paladin. I've done nothing to her, though I can admit to myself that the possibility is there. I suppose what bothers me is that despite the fact that I am outwardly courteous and kind to everyone people choose to hate what they think I am. Most have no idea what it even is, and I cultivate the thought that I am simply a singer with a head for nothing but song, fashion and vacuous conversation. How then can I blame them for alternately believing the image I project, or the fact of what I am? It's foolishness, and a weakness that I know I will have to deal with. I haven't the patience for such conflicts, even with myself.
I've let go of the past ties I held onto for so long. I didn't realize until I was telling Lucius in part what led me along my path. The grief associated with losing so many, and the taking of Mykal in particular, remains in a part of my heart. But I saw clearly with the telling how useless it was to hold onto it, realized that it has faded to the back of my heart. Perhaps it's just that my heart has cooled, and has no room for such things anymore. Perhaps it's simply that it was all a fiction I told myself, that it wasn't what I clung to at all but something smaller, something I made bigger in my mind and heart. I'm prone to such passions, I know, and the overwhelming emotions I remember no longer feel the same. I can remember them...but in their place I feel mostly sadness. It's a strange feeling, to set aside that which I felt defined me for so long. It bears more contemplation, I think, contemplation best served by some time in meditation. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 25 Jan 2006 03:58 PM |
I have been sitting and staring at this journal today for so long, I wonder that suddenly my thoughts may just manifest themselves onto the page without my help. I had a plan - a statement that causes me to smile just a little. It was the sort of plan that leads to the unknown, a plan formed only partially in my mind, and of course it did not happen as I expected.
I've cultivated things, people. I've bared my heart and my soul, shared much of what I am and why to a few select people. But to the wizard in particular, and yesterday I saw my opportunity and I took it. I expressed my true desire to him, in no uncertain terms, and I asked him to help me with the task. He was shocked, as I had anticipated. We went to a private location, where we proceeded to speak of what was in my heart, of my situation in truth. I spoke frankly, without reservation. There was no need for me to lie to accomplish my goal - everything I said was the truth, and I made no attempt to hide my feelings in any way. I have shown everything that I am over the past weeks, and last night was the culmination of it - I've let tenderness, bitterness, love and anger, desire and pain do my work for me. It's ironic, that the only way I can allow myself to get close now is by having the knowledge that it will destroy those who are subject to it. By the end of things, I expect I will not be the only broken thing in the world. It pains me, in truth, but I know not how to change it. I've chosen my path, and it will not easily let me go, whatever it is that I would choose. I tell myself that I have no hope things will turn out differently than I anticipate, that my situation will not change in any way. I am what I am...whatever I might want I don't see how that can be different.
I think my Father will be pleased with me. He does not know what work I do, and perhaps will question my words and actions should he have been watching. As he reminded me gently, the man did try to kill him. He does not need to know I meant every word I said, only that the result will be pleasing to him. Though I act in loyalty to him, with this game it enters my mind that perhaps what I do with these others, he does with me. I am a means to an end, and feelings may exist but have little bearing beyond being something that can be used.
I wonder - no, I know - this is the hold of my Father as well. I believe he does care for me. But I am useful, as well. Caring or not, I will do as I must do in his service. I am a tool to accomplish his goals, whatever else I am. When the tool ceases to be useful, it is discarded. Perhaps with regret, but discarded nonetheless. Perhaps the tool will be destroyed eventually, and allowed to remain that way. I would imagine it's only a matter of time. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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Re: Excerpts from Macha's journal
Posted: 26 Jan 2006 12:31 AM |
In walking past the Four Winds just now, I saw an elven woman, who seemingly froze in place upon my greeting and fairly well ran from me into the Inn. Of course I followed, but she seems to have gone downstairs according to a young man who was coming up. I've decided to wait, as I did not recognize her and am curious.
In sitting at the table to wait, I've flipped back over what I wrote. It is exactly what I spoke of yesterday, when I told Lucius I disliked what I had become. I cannot even be honest with myself, it seems, but push my emotions off on some plan to please Him. I'm angry with myself for the level of cowardice I can't seem to shake off, the fear that paralyzes me, and my inability to..do anything but run. Yet still..I -am- paralyzed, paralyzed by what I want but know I cannot have, and what I have but cannot seem to want consistently, and I don't know what to do. Perhaps soon it will be taken out of my hands, if what the gnome in Buckshire told me is true. I'm waiting...my largest thought being how long until it all collapses on my head. |
Trishy
Macha Sparrowsong - Song is my life
Coretta Alandar - Cleric of Midoran
Dekla Debena - whatever
Not all people who wander are lost.
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